10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Husbands

Think of getting married or are you married?! Here are 10 tips you can use to become  all your wife in a husband and a kid love in a father. peace!

 

happy mulism family

Alhamdullilah, I have been married for almost three years now and I feel that Muslim Marriage is one of the most beautiful gifts that Allah has given to Muslims in this world.

 

However, Muslim Marriage doesn’t come easy right away. Actually, many husbands today have been spoiled by family or their environment or even society and media. This has caused us to lose our manliness and personal striving that our forefathers and great men in the history of Islam had.

Now, as a Muslim Husband in this generation, I know how important and necessary it is for every Muslim Husband to work hard at their marriage in order for this Ummah to be strong again. After all, without the Muslim Family foundation, all other foundations cannot be formed.

I’ve put together some habits as a personal reminder to myself first and hopefully it can benefit Muslim Husbands out there who want to create a blissful marriage. Some ideas presented are from what I’ve read and heard and some are from experience. Take what applies to you and act on it.

So, let’s start…

1. Exercising, Staying Fit and Healthy

Sorry, brothers, you know this was coming. It is important that we stay healthy, exercise and keep fit for our wives and children. Many of us let ourselves go after marriage when it should be the other way around. When we are fit, we can do more for our wives and children. We also feel good that we are a strong contributing member of the Ummah.

My wife told me a story of how she was visiting a Muslim country recently and saw many couples where the wife was still dressed up nicely but the husband had totally let himself go.

I’m not asking everyone to be Arnold Schwarzenegger but to exercise so that when your kids are 12 years old, you can still kick a soccer ball with them. Because of my career in the software industry, I have to especially work hard at it as it is so easy for me to slack off (which I already have on a few occasions).

Doing what you enjoy will also help you stay fit. You don’t have to lift weights to stay in shape. As long as whatever you do helps you maintain a healthy, fit, Islamic lifestyle.

Also, it is imperative to eat a healthy diet. It doesn’t make much sense to work-out and stay fit and indulge in sweets and desserts everyday. Having a sweet tooth my whole life, I have now limited my sweet intake to one day of the week and have noticed positive changes like having more energy.

2. Dress well and with Ihsan (Excellence)

This is something I had to work on as I was never a good dresser when growing up. It doesn’t mean you have to wear rich expensive clothes. It means that your clothes are in good condition and you look presentable.

Muslims in history were known to dress excellently and to take care of their bodies. In the middle ages, Muslim Spain had running water and baths while the rest of Europe hardly washed their bodies.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to wear Musk to smell good.

Prophetic Saying:
Muslim narrated that Abu Sai’d Al-Khudri said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The best type of perfume is Musk.”

Try to buy quality over price or quantity as this is what dressing with Ihsan (Excellence) is about. At the end of the day, your wife will be happy with you and be thinking “MashaAllah.”

3. Read

It is no surprise that the first word revealed from the Quran to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was “Read…” (Surah Alaq 96:1).

I always struggled with reading growing up as I was too preoccupied with TV and video games. Even though I excelled in school, reading was always a chore and I didn’t do a lot of it.

However, as a Muslim Husband, reading is an important skill to have. Not only will it enrich you with more knowledge, it can also help with your communication and conversation skills with your wife and children. You will have much more interesting and important things to say and teach your children too.

Especially in today’s age of changing media and technology, if you are not reading and learning, you will be more susceptible to negative influences around you.

4. Help out around the house – Clean!

Many wives today juggle more daily than ever before. Things like working full-time, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids are all part of her daily regimen. Your wife will be more than happy if you can take some of that load off her.

Washing dishes, vacuuming or other chores around the house should be taken up by you and it should be proactively done. Read: Do them before being asked.

Even the best of creation, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) helped around the house.

Aisha (Ra), the wife of Muhammad (SAW) said: “Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) used to patch his sandals, sew his garment and conduct himself at home as anyone of you does in his house. He was a human being, searching his garment for lice, milking his sheep, and doing his own chores.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi).

5. Read Quran

A Muslim Husband is the leader of a Muslim Family. He needs to be setting the example for his wife and children. That is why it is important he reads the Quran.

Children imitate. If they see their father read Quran, then they will want to read Quran too. Doing this can actually make children look forward to the dreaded Sunday Quran school.

Before marriage, I wasn’t very good at Quran and barely had any surahs memorized. I then worked hard at improving my reading by attending Tajweed classes and memorizing more surahs.

Praying together is a large part of a Muslim household and knowing Quran will help you, the Muslim Husband, to lead your wife and family. The Muslim Husband or Father should strive to lead the members of his house in prayer at least once a day if not more.

6. Be Critical and Analytical – Talk about Ideas

When I was growing up, my mom had put up a sign in a hallway of our house saying: “Small people talk about other people, Average people talk about things, Great people talk about ideas.”

It is important that a Muslim Husband matures beyond self-interest and is able to transcend petty talk about people around him and material things. He needs to start talking about ideas.

It comes back to the fact that the Islamic role of a Muslim Husband in the family is to lead. If all he talks about is how he hates his boss at work or about his new pair of shoes, his family is going to suffer.

Before being married, it was easy for me to slip in to friends and enjoy trivial things like movies and sports, however, I knew that I had to rise above these activities and start reading and learning more about ideas and principles about how our world works. I needed to increase my knowledge.

I didn’t want a superficial marriage and I didn’t want to be a superficial husband. So I stepped out of my comfort zone and took action to grow intellectually. I believe that if you want a successful Muslim Marriage that Allah will shower His blessings on, it has to be about more than food and cars.

7. Take your wife out – Plan stuff

Every wife likes to be taken out, no matter how religious she is. You also don’t have to be rich either to do so.

Going to the park or buying her a new hijab or checking out that new halal restaurant are all fun activities you can enjoy with her.

I know that I sometimes slack off in the planning department. But every time I plan an outing with my wife, our marriage and relationship improves.

My wife and I have one day of the week that we go out together to explore a part of the city we haven’t yet been or we re-visit a favorite place. It is the day of the week that we re-connect and talk about our ideas.

Try it out, I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

8. Act Manly and Confident – Make Decisions

Men today behave less like men than our forefathers did. If you think back to the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him), his companions were all manly men, were confident and had presence.

Basically, Muslim Husbands need to take action in their lives and not sit idly by and let life slip away from you. I used to be very laid back and complacent in my first year of marriage but I realize that this quality is not beneficial in a relationship. When I started to act with confidence and to take action in my life, I began seeing positive changes in both my marriage and my personal life.

It is important to note the difference between confidence and aggression/domination. The former deals with taking positive action in how one carries himself while still maintaining the haqq/rights of those around him. The latter does not focus on the haqq.

A confident Muslim Man, although a leader of his home, also knows and applies the concept of Shurah/consultation. It is important to include your wife and children in any major and minor decisions that will effect everyone.

Be a Muslim Man. Take Action. Be Confident. Your wife will be happy and your marriage will prosper, inshAllah.

9. Balance between Career/Work and Religion

A Muslim Husband must have balance. He should work and strive in his career to provide for his family as it is a haqq/right of the wife to be provided for (even if she chooses to work). He also must understand the fundamentals of his deen/religion. He doesn’t have to be a scholar, but he should at least know the basics.

I remember I was at Eid Prayer a long time ago and I saw a father teaching his son how to pray before the prayer itself. As a leader of the home, a Muslim Husband must know enough about Islam so that he can teach his wife and children. He shouldn’t be doing it at Eid prayer. He should have done it at home already.

If you can, go to a class once a week about your deen and read more about it. There are also vast resources online about this beautiful religion of ours.

Also, a Muslim Husband should strive to be excellent in any work/career that he takes on. Remember that balancing both is difficult to do but can be achieved gradually.

10. Cook and help with meals

OK, this is a contentious issue. Even though shariah doesn’t say that a wife must cook for her husband, she usually does. And, I am thankful that she does!

As a Muslim Husband, you should help with cooking dinners and preparing meals. This will alleviate some of the load off your wife and she will be very thankful you assisted.

You can do this by making a schedule and telling her which days you can help. Believe me, this will also really help your marriage and improve your relationship.

Source:

http://muslimworker.com/2009/03/10-habits-of-highly-effective-muslim-husbands/

The World from the view of a Single Brother

Get a preview of what goes on in the heads of single brothers.. at least some of them 🙂

In a world were sexual culture dominates media (read this CNN article about Sexual Content on TV to Teen Pregnancy), one finds himself surrounded with nothing but stimulus that pushes him to a direction that he knows that it isn’t the right one. This environment coupled with natural urges can put people in weird situations.

So we ask ourselves, what’s the way out of this? How can we resolve such issues and consciously feel good about the solution. And the  obvious answer to the question is “I want to get Married.”

One might ask, is sex the only motive that drives men to get married? And the answer to that is NO of course it’s not the only reason, but indeed its one of the very top ones. This goes for brothers and sisters equally. I must admit though, I don’t know how it feels like being a single sister, but rest assured I know very well how it feels like being a single brother. So here is a point of view that lots of other single brothers share when it comes to pre-marriage issues. I will try to cover three main areas starting with parents of a prospect wife, then the prospect wife, and end with our own insecurities.

Our view about the parents of a prospect wife:

Single brothers fear parents with “very” high expectations. They tend to demand a lot in order to stay within their class values. This issue is the seed for all sort of different problems such as the dowry, the wedding, where are they going to live, etc. Also their very high expectation of the career of the brother who is proposing. Its as I said before, they expect a prince, prophet, nerd, scholar, doctor and engineer, rich, humble… etc which leads us to fear them rather than just trying to build bridges with them.

Many parents also object to the “religiosity” of the brothers. This of course due to the times that we live in nowadays. Not only that, but also due to the fact that they view a religious person to be a dumb, have nothing better to do, uneducated, and poor. This comes with the culture baggage that they brought with them from back home (where ever that maybe).

If you are an immigrant holding a visa (tourist or a student visa) your chances of getting married to a girl from here are slim to none. That is due to the fact that parents fear that they ONLY want to marry their daughter for the “papers”. Though this maybe true in some cases, I object to having this believe as a default of all my immigrant brothers and sisters. Some of them are sincere and really want to marry your daughters for the sake of marrying her not for the papers, or to be more exact, not entirely for the papers.

I remember Shaykh Yasir Qadhi in a ICNA conference in Houston (May of 2007) said that he believes that it is permissible for the father to ask “how much money do you have saved up beta?” question. I can tell you right now, most of us “single brothers” are not well established enough to have saved up big sums of money to show to our inlaws. This is very important because parents tend to forget that the brother might be very comfortable financially in few years, but cant wait to get married for few years.

In my mind, if I were to be asked this question, I would reply back and say, Uncle, when you married your wife, how much money did you have in your account?  Of course that will result to an automatic rejection, but that is besides the point.

There is more to be said about this, but maybe inshaAllah we can elaborate on it in a future post.

Our view about the prospect wife:

I will list the top 10 things single “religious or wana-be religious” brothers look for in their future wife: This doesn’t come from a “scientific survey” but based on the views of a few brothers from different background racially, educationally, religiously.

1- Physical Appearance. Though this was the first point almost all those I surveyed mentioned, some of them said that she has to be “GORGEOUS” and others said, she doesn’t have to be SUPER good looking, yet she has to be good looking enough.

2- Religiosity. This doesn’t only mean that she prays and fasts, but also includes her eagerness to learn her deen and act up on it.

3- She must be attracted to me (She has to like me, intellectually, physically, and every other aspect out there).

4- Manners. This is different that religiosity because she can pray yet disrespect her husband. That includes physical, psychological, or verbal abuse or disrespect. This also includes her treatment to our families specially our mothers.

5- Knows how to cook. I know that some sisters fantasize about having a husband who will cook for them, which by the way guys dont mind every once in a while, but the reality is that rarely when you find a guy who would do it all the time.

A wise lady said one time, the shortest way to a mans heart is his stomach. Just a word of advice for my single and married sisters.

6- Westernized, yet carries the traditional values.

7- Dresses Islamically. This varies from one single brother to the next. Some are cool with loose pants, others are strictly Abayas but the one common ground was Hijab.

8- Know how to support her husband. Unlike most of what my single sisters believe, men too need emotional support. They work all day and come to the house expected to spend time with their wives, listen to them, comfort them, take them out, make them feel all good but who is out there to make the man feels good?! Here is something for you think about.

9- Jealous, but not too jealous. Men always want to feel wanted and needed. A sense of jealousy from his wife gives him the feeling that she wants him. Of course if she is an extreme jealous person, then in this case, a second wife is due. haha joking people dont shoot me.

10- I can carry an intellectual conversation with her without the fear of being penalized for holding certain views. This goes out to my married brothers who told me that they “must” agree with their wives otherwise they usually spend the night on the couch.

Of course the order various from one person to the next and of course this list does not apply to all the single brothers, but I guarantee you that at least 4 out of the 10 will be common in all what the single brothers are looking for in their future wives.

Finally, Our view about our own insecurities:

While I was asking some of the single brothers this question, I got a lot of long faces and no answers. I found out that its very hard for a man to discuss his own insecurities to others (at least to other men).

I guess this is a part of our “macho” mentality that we are not suppose to be weak in public or in front of anybody. This I will say, is one of our biggest insecurities. The fear to be looked down upon from other peers.

Though we wont admit it, single brothers try to impress the sisters by how they look. Single brothers feel very insecure about their weight, and physical appearance in general.

Single brothers fear the comparison to other single brothers when it comes to proposing to sisters. I can tell you countless stories of 2 (or more sometimes depending on the sister) brothers “competing” over a sister.

Assuming that the brother comes from a decent but not rich family, one fear that he wont be able to provide for her as her parents did. Which usually causes some brothers to stay single longer than average.

Finally, single brothers feel so insecure when it comes to understanding their future wives. We hear horror stories from married men (and if you married sisters ask your husbands, they will deny it because they actually want to sleep in peace tonight) about how its almost impossible to understand what women want or need.

Again, there is much more to be said about this topic, but due to the fact that some brothers refused to answer this question (refer to the first insecurity that i mentioned) i wasn’t able to get a comprehensive insight in to what single brothers view as their own insecurities.

To sum all this up, Muslims as a big community should be able to relate to our single brothers needs. If not, more family and social issues will start appearing. Issues such as fornication, depression, girls running away from their families house, Shiyook marrying girls without having wali (guardians), guys taking advantage of innocent girls, and much more. Ask the Shiyok and Psychologists about the cases that they see, I know of stories that are terrifying.

There are a lot of pressure on single brothers out there. Giving the society we live in, we are faced with sexual pressure to the max, add to that financial instability (given that the brother is in still in the beginning of his career), along with his own insecurities, one can conclude that making marriage harder is a lose-lose situation for the brothers and for the future inlaws. That is because the longer the brothers delay their marriage, the longer the sisters will stay single. So both ends will lose on a few years of their lives due to some materialisitic (which will soon be fixed once the brother jump starts his career) issues.

SOURCE

Dear Single and searching brothers! Get real!

This was a woman’s responds to blog post titled “The World from the view of a Single Brother” by br.Haytham on muslimmatters.org . She is actually a mother in her early forties and a into a matchmaking business with her husband.

Dear  & all the single brothers , LISTEN UP!
SubhanAllah, may I ask are you looking for a wife or a car? Reading your post was amusing & angering at the same time.Why? you ask, because I see too many times & believe me I have a fair amount of experience in the matchmaking bussiness,when I come across brothers who are asking us to help them in their wife search I always ready what they’re looking for & for almost half of them I inform my husband that I’m not going to even bother helping.
Reasons: 1. They give specs for age, weight, height, colour & looks. Hello!!! This is a human & not a car you’re buying!! Sorry we don’t have a production factory that can build you a model to suit.
2. Hmm, are you THAT good looking as what you’re asking for? Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder & will you be voted #1 on the next Top 10 Hunks chart?
3. Do you think YOU have all those qualities that you want in a prospective wife to have? ie. be able to hold an intellectual conversation, attracted to her in ALL aspects & likes what she likes?
4. What if she’s more into deen then you? Are you strong enough to be proud of her for it & support her in it?
5. She must be ‘westernised with traditional values’. What does this mean? I have an idea but could be wrong, so plz clarify.
6. Plz brs. do realise that not ALL sisters love to cook even though their mothers might be the best at it. So don’t expect a Martha Stewart in the kitchen unless you’re chef Ramsay
7. Support goes both ways. It’s not a one way street especially if she’s suppose to be some what westenised.
8.Jealousy goes both ways also.
9. Will she be given the same courtesy of not having you angry with her when her views are different from yours during an interlectual conversation? Most times it’s the other way round.As soon as a wife has a view on anything that is different from the husband, if she doesn’t shush up then it leads to an argument = he won’t speak to her for the night or more .
As for humor not all men have them. Sorry to say.
Also how many bros. are willing ot give up their time playing xbox & PSP & hanging out with their Bros. for their wives?
I know of too many bros. whose young wives are waiting for them at home to be with the husbands & talk but he doesn’t come home until fajr. All because they had a game going on & forgot he’ld be back in an hr. Men expect the wives to stop their social life to an extent & give up hanging with their freinds for the most part but don’t reciprocate.
Also don’t look for a sister btwn 16 & 23 when you’re hitting 30. Besides the HUGE age gap generally nowadays it doesn’t work out & there are very different mentalities & expectations. She wants to be romanced & he wants a more mature thinking woman.

So on behalf of all the sisters who only ask for a decent, hard working , caring & understanding man. I ask the single brothers to get back to reality!!!
UmmZainab

Source:

Women Discover the Secrets of a Happy Marriage

If you were to ask a girl who has not yet been married about the secrets of a happy marriage, she would consider it a strange question, because she is not married or because she might give a romantic dreamy answer that embodies her dreams, ideals and needs rather than reality.

Hence, if we want to discover these secrets, we should ask married women who have real experience, because the answers of such women will be more credible, practical, and realistic. Their answers would be guiding signs on the way of those who have not yet married, and useful advice to wives who have not discovered these secrets and still need to reconsider their marital relationship.

Compliment Your Husband

Randa Ahmad, who has been married for 17 years, advises every bride-to-be saying,

– To lead a happy, stable married life, you have to love your husband and understand his nature. Understanding the nature of your husband enables you to please him. Of course, this will not happen overnight; the longer you live with him, the more you will understand him.

–      It is very important to be humble with him and to pay him a compliment every now and then. By doing this, you will make him happy and lead a happy, stable life with him.

Your Husband’s Weaknesses

Saamiyah Ahmad, a housewife who has been married for 25 years, says to every girl and wife,

– Know the weaknesses of your life partner; care for him, be thoughtful, and make him feel comfortable.

–      If your husband likes food, master the art of cooking to make the most delicious dishes. If he loves his family, be kinder to them than he is.

Madeenah Raashid, a housewife who has been married for 57 years, offers the fruit of her long experience, saying:

–      Cherish your husband in hard times as well as in the good ones. Respect whatever he says and maintain good relations with his family, especially his mother, and you will win him easily.

Say, “I love you”

Muneerah Abdul-Hameed, a working wife who has been married for 30 years, says,

–      Dialogue, mutual understanding, love, and confidence. A husband can have his wife at his disposal just if he says to her “I love you”. This simple phrase will make her give you all her love, tenderness and care.

Umm Yoosuf is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She says,

– First, you have to know that the marriage is not just a honeymoon. Marriage is a heavy responsibility that a woman has to be well-prepared for. An intelligent woman understands the nature of her husband and acts according to that nature, along with sharing his ambitions and hobbies. However, this should be within the proper limits without intruding upon your husband.

Adherence to Islam

Ameenah At-Turki, an Indonesian woman who has been married for 15 years, says,

A wife has to know her duties towards her husband as defined by the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. She has to always remember the saying of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”

Widaad Al-Qaseer has been married for 15 years. She says,

My mother used to tell me not to compare in order not to despair. I say the same thing to all girls: if you want to lead a happy life with your husband, you have to be content with what Allaah The Almighty has granted you. If you do this, you will realize how you are truly blessed by Allaah The Almighty. Otherwise, you will never be happy no matter how hard your husband may try to please you.

Ask Your Husband

Nawaal Muhammad, a Saudi housewife who has been married for 17 years, says,

Obedience is the key to a man’s heart, and then truthfulness with him, as it generates confidence between you and him. Certainly, confidence is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. Take care of your beauty and ask your husband, from time to time, about what he wants from you and what you should do to please him. In this way, you will find out what makes him happy and what makes him unhappy.

Jameelah Muhammad Ali is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She advises all young women, saying,

Men are all alike. All they need is delicious food, a clean, quiet house, and an obedient wife who takes care of her husband and of her beauty. This is all you have to do in order to live happily with your husband. Also, do not forget that you have to bear with him when he is angry and to support him if the going gets tough.

Your In-Laws

‘Aaydah Hanafi has been married for 37years and this is what she has to say,

– Save your husband’s money, never disclose his secrets, not even to the closest people to you, and treat his mother just like you treat yours.

‘Aaydah’s daughter, Naahid Muhammad, a teacher who has been married for 13years, agrees with her mother. She says,

-A wife has to create a good image of her husband in the eyes of her family. Never verbally abuse your husband. Deal with him calmly and politely. With regard to times when there are severe disagreements, a wife has to be clever enough to win her husband’s love and respect.

Aay Noor is an Algerian housewife. She has been married for 30 years. She is shedding light on being a good example and advises the family rather than the wife-to-be or the husband-to-be. She says,

– My advice to all mothers is to teach their daughters how to win the love of their husbands. Teach your daughter how to take you as an example through the way you deal with her father and vice versa. Never interfere with your children’s life after they are married. You should let them lead their own life and learn from their own experience.

Naadyah Abdulmajeed, who has been married for 18 years, advises all wives, saying,

Never belittle your husband, respect his wishes and allow him to act freely. It is wrong to try to discuss something with your husband when he is angry, or to tell him about the problems of the house and the children immediately after he returns from work. You have to choose the proper time for everything. Make him respect you, maintain your dignity with him and do not let him see your tears, except rarely, so that they would not lose their effect on him.

Graduation Certificate in the Kitchen

The famous American journalist, Norma Vincent Peale, Editor in Chief of Guideposts Magazine, who is a wife with three children and seven grandchildren, says that a woman who wants to be happily married has to realize that marriage is the law of life. She adds that with this spirit, a wife will succeed in her attempts to adapt according to her husband’s needs. All that concerns husbands is to see a clean, tidy house, a table full of the food they like, clean clothes whenever they want and some personal things such as the morning newspaper. She says that a skilful wife is the one who takes care of these needs so as to keep her husband’s smile. She says that some husbands like to see their wives in their full adornment and femininity, while others prefer moderate adornment. She adds that the role of the clever wife is to do what her husband expects of her.

Peale maintains that a wife has to make her family the first priority in her life and to sacrifice any position or job for the sake of her husband and children. She says that she once visited a friend and saw her university certificate hung in the kitchen. When she asked her why she did this, her friend replied that the kitchen was the best place for a bachelor’s degree because it is the place where she can make use of what she has learned to master performing her duties as an ideal mother and wife.

SOURCE: http://www.islamweb.net/womane/nindex.php?page=readart&id=149417

If you were to ask a girl who has not yet been married about the secrets of a happy marriage, she would consider it a strange question, because she is not married or because she might give a romantic dreamy answer that embodies her dreams, ideals and needs rather than reality.

Hence, if we want to discover these secrets, we should ask married women who have real experience, because the answers of such women will be more credible, practical, and realistic. Their answers would be guiding signs on the way of those who have not yet married, and useful advice to wives who have not discovered these secrets and still need to reconsider their marital relationship.

Compliment Your Husband

Randa Ahmad, who has been married for 17 years, advises every bride-to-be saying,

– To lead a happy, stable married life, you have to love your husband and understand his nature. Understanding the nature of your husband enables you to please him. Of course, this will not happen overnight; the longer you live with him, the more you will understand him.

– It is very important to be humble with him and to pay him a compliment every now and then. By doing this, you will make him happy and lead a happy, stable life with him.

Your Husband’s Weaknesses

Saamiyah Ahmad, a housewife who has been married for 25 years, says to every girl and wife,

– Know the weaknesses of your life partner; care for him, be thoughtful, and make him feel comfortable.

– If your husband likes food, master the art of cooking to make the most delicious dishes. If he loves his family, be kinder to them than he is.

Madeenah Raashid, a housewife who has been married for 57 years, offers the fruit of her long experience, saying:

– Cherish your husband in hard times as well as in the good ones. Respect whatever he says and maintain good relations with his family, especially his mother, and you will win him easily.

Say, “I love you”

Muneerah Abdul-Hameed, a working wife who has been married for 30 years, says,

– Dialogue, mutual understanding, love, and confidence. A husband can have his wife at his disposal just if he says to her “I love you”. This simple phrase will make her give you all her love, tenderness and care.

Umm Yoosuf is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She says,

– First, you have to know that the marriage is not just a honeymoon. Marriage is a heavy responsibility that a woman has to be well-prepared for. An intelligent woman understands the nature of her husband and acts according to that nature, along with sharing his ambitions and hobbies. However, this should be within the proper limits without intruding upon your husband.

Adherence to Islam

Ameenah At-Turki, an Indonesian woman who has been married for 15 years, says,

A wife has to know her duties towards her husband as defined by the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. She has to always remember the saying of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”

Widaad Al-Qaseer has been married for 15 years. She says,

My mother used to tell me not to compare in order not to despair. I say the same thing to all girls: if you want to lead a happy life with your husband, you have to be content with what Allaah The Almighty has granted you. If you do this, you will realize how you are truly blessed by Allaah The Almighty. Otherwise, you will never be happy no matter how hard your husband may try to please you.

Ask Your Husband

Nawaal Muhammad, a Saudi housewife who has been married for 17 years, says,

Obedience is the key to a man’s heart, and then truthfulness with him, as it generates confidence between you and him. Certainly, confidence is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. Take care of your beauty and ask your husband, from time to time, about what he wants from you and what you should do to please him. In this way, you will find out what makes him happy and what makes him unhappy.

Jameelah Muhammad Ali is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She advises all young women, saying,

Men are all alike. All they need is delicious food, a clean, quiet house, and an obedient wife who takes care of her husband and of her beauty. This is all you have to do in order to live happily with your husband. Also, do not forget that you have to bear with him when he is angry and to support him if the going gets tough.

Your In-Laws

‘Aaydah Hanafi has been married for 37years and this is what she has to say,

– Save your husband’s money, never disclose his secrets, not even to the closest people to you, and treat his mother just like you treat yours.

‘Aaydah’s daughter, Naahid Muhammad, a teacher who has been married for 13years, agrees with her mother. She says,

-A wife has to create a good image of her husband in the eyes of her family. Never verbally abuse your husband. Deal with him calmly and politely. With regard to times when there are severe disagreements, a wife has to be clever enough to win her husband’s love and respect.

Aay Noor is an Algerian housewife. She has been married for 30 years. She is shedding light on being a good example and advises the family rather than the wife-to-be or the husband-to-be. She says,

– My advice to all mothers is to teach their daughters how to win the love of their husbands. Teach your daughter how to take you as an example through the way you deal with her father and vice versa. Never interfere with your children’s life after they are married. You should let them lead their own life and learn from their own experience.

Naadyah Abdulmajeed, who has been married for 18 years, advises all wives, saying,

Never belittle your husband, respect his wishes and allow him to act freely. It is wrong to try to discuss something with your husband when he is angry, or to tell him about the problems of the house and the children immediately after he returns from work. You have to choose the proper time for everything. Make him respect you, maintain your dignity with him and do not let him see your tears, except rarely, so that they would not lose their effect on him.

Graduation Certificate in the Kitchen

The famous American journalist, Norma Vincent Peale, Editor in Chief of Guideposts Magazine, who is a wife with three children and seven grandchildren, says that a woman who wants to be happily married has to realize that marriage is the law of life. She adds that with this spirit, a wife will succeed in her attempts to adapt according to her husband’s needs. All that concerns husbands is to see a clean, tidy house, a table full of the food they like, clean clothes whenever they want and some personal things such as the morning newspaper. She says that a skilful wife is the one who takes care of these needs so as to keep her husband’s smile. She says that some husbands like to see their wives in their full adornment and femininity, while others prefer moderate adornment. She adds that the role of the clever wife is to do what her husband expects of her.

Peale maintains that a wife has to make her family the first priority in her life and to sacrifice any position or job for the sake of her husband and children. She says that she once visited a friend and saw her university certificate hung in the kitchen. When she asked her why she did this, her friend replied that the kitchen was the best place for a bachelor’s degree because it is the place where she can make use of what she has learned to master performing her duties as an ideal mother and wife.

SOURCE: http://www.islamweb.net/womane/nindex.php?page=readart&id=149417

The manners of welcoming the new-born child in Islaam

{This is an important topic especially for the intending or new couples; who either do not know much or are in doubt on “what to do” or “why it is done”, when the joyful cry of the baby arrives. For me it has opened my eyes to some “why it’s done” and has increased my knowledge on this topic . So as usual i share for the sake of Allah.. happy reading …PEACE!}

Children are a source of delight and an adornment for the world granted by Allaah to their parents, they give vigour to the hearts, joy to the souls, pleasure to the eyes. They are the fruit from whom good is to be hoped for when they frequently supplicate:

“Our Lord! Bestow on them your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small”

and they are the ones in every nation upon whom hope for the future lies, and they are the youth of tomorrow upon whose shoulders the call to Islaam is carried. Indeed Islaam has indeed elevated the status of children and has laid down manners for their treatment relating to all their affairs and each stage of their and from these are the manners for welcoming their arrival in this life.

Our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was a living example, educating, cultivating the Muslims upon the practices of Islaam, teaching them how to worship their Lord in the best of ways. But a number of Muslims have strayed from his pure teachings and have substituted that which is gold for that which worthless.

So here are the manners the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) taught us with regards our new-born.

1) Encouragement to have Children

Allaah says, “So now have sexual relations with them,, and seek that which Allaah has ordained for you.”

And the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Marry the loving and fertile because through you, I will compete with the nations for superiority in numbers” (Abu Dawood)

And it is important that the Parents bring up their children upon righteousness, so that the Parents will benefit from them during their lives and after their death. Allaah’s Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“A servant will have his rank raised and will say, ‘O my Lord how has this come about for me?’ He says, ‘through your sons after you seeking forgiveness for you'” (ibn Maajah)

Know that what has preceded applies equally to both boys and girls, and indeed Islaam has encouraged the bringing up of girls, and Allaah condemns those that are distressed at the birth of a girl, and the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came elevating the status of this gift from Allaah,

“whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood – he and I will come together on the Day of Resurrection (like this) – and he interlaced his two fingers” (Muslim)

meaning in Paradise. So can their be a greater honour given to daughters?!

2) Giving the good news of the Birth

The near of kin who are anxiously waiting should be informed so that they can stop worrying and congratulate the parents and supplicate for the baby. Allaah mentions this good news being conveyed to a number of His Prophets, from them Zakariyyah of his son Yahya,

“Then the angels called him, while he was standing in prayer in a private room (saying), ‘Allaah gives you glad tidings of Yahya'”

3) Giving the Adhaan in the ear of the newborn

The first practice to do is to make the adhaan in the ear of the baby, so that the first words that the baby hears is the name of Allaah, and the kalima.

It is to be given straight after the birth, or very soon afterwards as he (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) did with his grandson al-Husayn, as is related by Abu Raafi’ who said,

“I saw the Prophet give the adhaan for prayer in the ear of al-Husayn ibn Alee when his mother Faatimah gave birth to him,” (Tirmidhee)

It should be given with it’s usual wording in a voice which is audible to the baby, not so loudly that it risks harm to the baby or alarms it.

Only the adhaan is to be given, not the iqaamah as well as there is no authentic evidence to support this. Giving the adhaan only is also the reported practice of the Khaleefah Umar bin Abdul Azeez. This is closer to the sunnah, and Allaah knows best.

The sunnah has not specified as to which ear it should be given, however the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to love to do good actions starting from the right, so it would be more appropriate to give the adhaan in the right ear.

4) The Tahneek

This means to softening a date and then rubbing the palate of the new-born with it just after the birth or soon after. This is done by putting a piece of the softened date on the finger and rubbing it from left to right in the mouth of the baby.

Ibn Hajr said, “if one is not able to find a dry date, then a fresh date should be used, and if that is not available then anything sweet.” (Fath 9/588)

It is not essential to chew the date rather it may be softened in any way. The action of chewing as reported in the sunnah was something specific to the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) due to the blessings that Allaah had placed in his saliva.

It is done by the father or the mother or anyone from the People of Knowledge whose supplication is hoped would be accepted. So he should perform tahneek and supplicate for the child as was the practice of the Companions.

Imaam Nawawee says, ” scholars are agreed upon the recommendation of performing tahneek upon the baby after it’s birth.” (Sharh Saheeh Muslim 4/122)

Aaishah (radiyallaahu ‘anha) reports, “new-born children used to be brought to the Messenger of Allaah and he would supplicate for blessings for them, and rub a chewed date upon their palate.” (Muslim)

5) Naming the child

The baby may be named on the day of it’s birth or later on the seventh day or past the seventh day, as this is what is clear after study of all the evidences from the sunnah.

It is the father or the mother who chose the name for the baby. If they differ amongst themselves then it is the father who has the choice, he may name it himself or give his wife the right to choose. The fact that this is the right of the father is shown by the principle that the child is ascribed and attributed to the father, as Allaah says,

“Call them (adopted sons) by (the names of) their fathers, that is more just in the Sight of Allaah”

It is also allowed for the parents to allow others to name the child, since our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to name some of the children of his Companions.

The name should carry a good and praiseworthy meaning as the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“On the Day of Resurrection, you will be called by your names and your fathers names, so make your names good.” (Abu Dawood)

It is recommended to call oneself a servant of Allaah (Abdullaah) or the servant of any of the names of Allaah. Then it is recommended to name a child after a prophet, due to the hadeeth,

“call yourselves by the names of the Prophets” (Abu Dawood)

and the hadeeth,

“a son was born to me this night and I called him after my forefather Ibraaheem” (Muslim)

Then it is recommended to name the child after any pious person in the hope that it will become like him/her. Then it is recommended to name by any name which has good meaning.

It is forbidden to name a child with a name that denote servitude to other than Allaah, for example Abd an-Nabi, Abd ar-Rasool etc, just as it is forbidden to name them with names that are particular to the Unbelievers like George, Michael, Susan etc.

The names of tyrants and evil personalities should be avoided such as Fir’awn, Qaroon, Abu Lahab etc.. Likewise it is disliked to name with the names of the Surahs of the Qur’aan like ‘Taa Haa’ or ‘Yaa Seen’ as is reported from Imaam Maalik and others. There is no authentic hadeeth which ascribes the above two as being names of the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

6) The Aqeeqah

After the seventh day of the arrival of the new-born, as a form of welcome for it and to give thanks to the One who gave the blessings, it is prescribed to slaughter a sheep. The Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“Every child is in pledge for it’s Aqeeqah which is sacrificed for it on its seventh day, and it is named on it, and its head is shaved” (Abu Dawood)

If the new-born is a boy then two sheep are to be sacrificed, and if it is a girl then one sheep. This is the position of the majority of the scholars and Companions. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“for the boy two equal sheep, and for the girl, a single sheep.” (Ibn Maajah)

So it is permissible to sacrifice the male or female sheep or goat, and this is best. As for sacrificing other animals then the scholars have differed over this.

The sacrifice should be done by the father or a close relative, for our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) performed the Aqeeqah for his two grandsons. It is also obligatory to mention the name of Allaah over it while sacrificing, and if a close relative is performing the Aqeeqah then he should add, ‘this aqeeqah is the Aqeeqah of so and so’ mentioning the name of the person on whose behalf he is performing the aqeeqah, as is reported in the hadeeth related by al-Bayhaqee.

The meat of the sacrifice may be distributed cooked or uncooked,, but it is preferred that it should be cooked as this leads to greater blessing as mentioned by a group of the scholars.

7) Shaving the baby’s head

On the seventh day after the birth the head of the baby should be shaved. So when al-Hasan was born the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) told his daughter, Faatima (radiyallaahu ‘anha),

“shave his head and give the weight of his hair in silver to the poor” (Ahmad)

The right side of the head should be shaved first, then the left as mentioned in the hadeeth,

“shave, and he indicated to the right side of his head, and then the left” (Muslim)

It is not permissible to shave a part of the head and leave a part, as this was prohibited by the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) as reported by al-Bukhaaree. The strongest view seems to be that the head of the boy or the girl should be shaved, as is reported that Faatimah weighed the hair of her daughter (Muwatta) but the scholars differ on this, and Allaah knows best.

The shaving should be done after the sacrifice, and our pious predecessors liked to rub some perfume over the baby’s head after the shaving.

Then it is prescribed to give the value of the baby’s weight of hair in silver in charity, and it is recommended to give this charity on the seventh day also, but it is not necessary to do so, and may be delayed.

8) Circumcision

It is prescribed that the boy be circumcised, it is recommended that the circumcision take place on the seventh day, but it is obligatory to circumcise before the boy reaches

SOURCE: PINK ISLAM

Children are a source of delight and an adornment for the world granted by Allaah to their parents, they give vigour to the hearts, joy to the souls, pleasure to the eyes. They are the fruit from whom good is to be hoped for when they frequently supplicate:

Creative ways to finding a spouse

When looking for a spouse you might need to use a BIG creative googles… because not all of us will be luck to find help from family or friends. Are you searching? Do you know what you want? Do you know how to get it? Lessons i got from this video below are:

• asking loads of question,
• knowing what you want and
• being real would get

You the right partner insha Allah. Enjoy Baba Ali ‘s interview on how he found his wife as a convert.

Video: How Baba Ali found his wife [premiere on IslamicTube]

Marriage: Purpose and Obligation

<Are you of age to get married? or do you fit into the category refer to by the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) when he said :”Whoever is able to marry, should marry”. (Bukhari) ? Okay.. how much do you know about marriage and its obligations? Here is a good intro to the institution called marriage for both parent and intending couples. Enjoy!!>> An addition to our wedding 2 marriage series>

Definition of Marriage

Nikah is an Arabic term used for marriage. It means “contract” (“aqd in Arabic). The Quran specifically refers to marriage as “mithaqun ghalithun,” which means “a strong covenant”.

“…and they have taken a strong pledge (mithaqun ghalithun) from you?” (Quran 4:21)

The seriousness of this covenant becomes obvious when one finds the same tern i.e., Mithaqun Ghalithun, being used for the covenant made between Allah and the Prophet before granting them the responsibility of the Prophethood. (Quran 33:7)

The Quran also uses the Arabic word “Hisn” suggesting “fortress” for marriage. Marriage is considered the fortress of chastity.

The Purpose of Marriage

As a meaningful institution, marriage has two main purposes:

• To ensure preservation of the human species and continuation of the human race,

“O mankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them has spread abroad a multitude of men and women” (Quran: 4:1)

• To provide spiritual and legal foundation of the family,

“And of His Signs is this: He created for you mates from yourself that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, therein indeed are portents for folk who reflect”. (Quran 30:21)

Through Marriage, the conjugal relationship between a man and a woman becomes lawful. It provides a legitimate outlet for recreation as well as procreation. Islam regards sex as natural and good, but restricts it to the partners of marriage so as to ensure the responsibility for its consequences.

“Your women are a tilth for you so go to your tilth as you will, and send (good deeds) before you for your souls, and fear Allah, and know that you will (one day) meet him. Give glad tidings to believers, (O Muhammad).” (Quran 2:223)

Marriage provides spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological companionship. This companionship generates and sustains love, kindness, compassion, mutual confidence, solace and succor (sakinah). It lays a spiritual and legal foundation for raising a family. The children born of the matrimonial union become legitimate and mutual rights of inheritance are established.

Marriage: A Religious Requirement

• Marriage in Islam is recommended as a religious requirement.

“Marry those among you who are single and (marry) your slaves, male and female, that are righteous” (Quran 24:32)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) declared:

“When the servant of Allah marries, he has fulfilled half the (responsibilities laid on him by the) faith; so let him be God conscious with respect to the other half”. (Mishkat)

• Marriage has also been commended as the way of the prophets.

“We indeed sent messengers before you (O Muhammad), and We assigned them wives and children”. (Quran 13:38)

Marriage, in fact, is specifically considered the tradition (sunnah) of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) when he declared:

“Marriage is my Sunnah, whoever disregards my (sunnah) path is not from among us”. (ibn Majah)

• Islam discourages celibacy and encourages marriage, as Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended:

“Whoever is able to marry, should marry”. (Bukhari)

What Are The Benefits Of Marriage?

Fulfillment of deen (the full practice of religion) is accomplished through marriage. In Islam, we recognize that marriage is the state to which we aspire – a situation that supports, in every aspect, our attainment of the state that will please our Creator. To fulfill the role Allah (SWT) designed specifically for us, marriage is important. It is through marriage that these roles are fulfilled. Anas bin Malik reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said,

• “When a man marries, he indeed perfects half of his religion. Then he should fear Allah for the remaining half.”

(Bukhari)

• For women, marriage provides support and protection,

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard” (Ali Imran:34-36).

• Satisfying sexual desires/needs may only be accomplished through marriage. As Muslims, we understand that sex outside of marriage is forbidden and considered a major sin. Therefore, sexual desires may only be satisfied within a marriage. Marriage provides protection from sin,

“They (wives) are like garments for you, and you are like garments for them” (Al Baqarah:187).

• Marriage provides companionship,

“…the companion by your side (the wife).” (Al Nisaa:36)

For Muslims, it is clear that the trend to delay or skip marriage is prohibited, and with good reason. Marriage still remains the trend in Muslim communities. This provides for the safety and security of women and children. It provides a safeguard against sexual sin for the man as well as for the woman. It provides two-parent homes for children and strong ethics that will support a lifestyle that is consistent with the practice of Islam. It provides loving and kind companionship. This is the way of Muslims.

Islam provides clear and ideal direction for all aspects of life. This is a perfect example of those directions. The religion tells Muslims to marry early. It provides clear guidelines for husbands and wives and, as they become parents, for parenting and for the behaviour of children. There is no guesswork in the process.

SOURCE: http://islamic-world.net/sister/purpose_and_obligation.htm

related reading:

• 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse: An Islamic Perspective
• How to Help Muslims Get Married: Tips for Parents and Imams
• other series on our  wedding 2 marriage series

How to Help Muslims Get Married: Tips for Parents and imams

Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes.

>>

Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world. According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent. The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.

Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.

But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began. Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:

The older woman noticed her instantly.

The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin. As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion. The woman rushed up.

“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.

“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.

“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend. “But, but why,” she stammered.

“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”

(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed)

While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter. If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.

1. Understand your role.

Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:

1. Suggest individuals as prospective spouses.
   1. Thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references.
   2. Act as the third party between the two candidates.

2. Talk to your kids about what you both want.

Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.

Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable. Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.

Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.

3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate.

Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates. Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and a woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.

Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.

Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together,both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions.One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.

4. Give an allotted time for the meeting.

Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.

5. Investigate thoroughly.

One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.

Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.

The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.

Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.

One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.

6. Be honest.

Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.

Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.

7. Take your time.

Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.

Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.

8. Never be pushy.

Another true story

A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.

Why?

Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.

This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.

Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.

Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.

Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?

HOW IMAMS CAN HELP:

Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well.

So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.

1. Being a guardian for sisters.

Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.

This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.

Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.

2. Vouching for good brothers.

An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.

3. Providing the right information.

The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.

As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.

4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting).

While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule. As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.

If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.

Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.

Selecting Marriage Partner

Marriage is recommended for partners who share a common way of life. The matrimonial partners should be able to fulfill their purpose of creation as defined by Allah. They should be able to effectively carry out their responsibility as care-takers (khalifah) of earth. They should share the common goal of building a well integrated Muslim community and be able to work harmoniously towards it.

Criteria for Selecting a Marriage Partner

Normally the criteria for selecting matrimonial mates are many: wealth, beauty, rank, character, congeniality, compatibility, religion, etc. The Quran enjoins Muslims to select partners who are good and pure (tayyib)

“Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity.” (Quran 24:26)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (din) and character.

“A man may married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper”. (Bukhari and Muslim)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) assured the bounty of Allah to those who wish to get married and live a pure and clean life.

“Three groups of people Allah obliged Himself to help them: Mujahid in the cause of Allah, a worker to pay his debt, and the one who wants to marry to live a chaste life.” (Tirmidhi)

Freedom to Choose a Marriage Partner

Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married. The mutual choice of the would-be-spouses is given the highest consideration:

“Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner.” (Quran 2:232)

The process of mate selection should be a function of a healthy balance between the freedom of choice of the would-be-spouses and consideration of the influence and consent of the parents/guardians.

The freedom of choice of those who wish to get married should not preclude the influence and consent of the parents/guardians nor should the parents/guardians ignore the wishes and consent of the would be spouses.

Falling in love is not a pre-condition for marriage in Islam. However, for the purpose of selecting an appropriate mate, the would-be- spouses are allowed to see and/or talk to each other.

Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended:

“When one of you seeks a woman in marriage, and then if he is able to have a look at whom he wishes to marry, let him do so”. (Abu Dawood)

The would-be-spouse are allowed to see each other for matrimonial purposes under the direct supervision of their mahram relatives. This provision is expected to be conceived and executed with piety and modesty.

Prophet Muhammad (S) instructed:

“No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram”. (Ahmad)

The would-be-spouses residing in non-Muslim societies are recommended to enter into a pre-nuptial commitment to safeguard Islamic values and Muslim personal law.

culled from SOURCE: http://islamic-world.net/sister/purpose_and_obligation.htm

No to Spinsterhood. ..Yes to Marriage!

As usual we wont stop digging out article that will benefit us as Muslim  youths. Are you a spinster by choice or by situation? for how long? why? why not? all these have been reasonable answered in this nicely written piece .  So we say- No to Spinsterhood. ..Yes to Marriage! (PS: its kind of Nigerian based but with common knowledge too)

this image was found online... suitable rit? 🙂

” In the name of Allah the Beneficent the Merciful

Strong social ties form the foundation of the happiness, stability and development of communities and are a main factor behind the might and power that nations like Nigeria enjoy. Conversely, social problems are a danger to the very existence of communities because they represent a crack which will finally lead to the break up of communities.

O Muslims! Let us shed light on one of most important social issues of our time – marriage. A dangerous phenomenon impacting individuals, communities and the Muslim nation as a whole is the phenomenon of life-long spinsterhood.

Surveys conducted on this astonishing trend show that in this country alone there are more than 2 million single women waiting for the man of their dreams. This will increase in the next five years to reach four million if the trend continues as it is now.

This can have many evil consequences, especially during our era when the means of corruption have become easily accessible and the ways of unlawfully fulfilling one’s desires have become readily available. The only way to protect the youth from indulging in immorality and evil practices is through early marriage.(Not 13 years old pls)

It is unfortunate that many young men and women are reaching the age of 35 – 40 without getting married. Some have perhaps never even entertained the thought of doing so. This corruption only started when obstacles were put in front of those who wanted to get married. Moreover, immorality, prostitution, traveling abroad to corrupt places and illegal sexual relations have become widespread.

Majority of reasons behind this is either due to traditions passed down or due to the ideological attack that our nation has been subjected to.

These were supposed to give our youth hopes and dreams. But they are in reality illusions from Satan. Some youth give the excuse that they desire to complete their studies and that marriage would prevent them from doing so. But was marriage ever an obstacle? Experience has proved that a successful marriage helps in freeing the mind and relaxing the soul.

We must be very clear in our objectives. If university degrees mean one will remain unmarried till an old age, especially for a woman, then what good are they for? She may even miss the train of marriage altogether? What good is it if she never enjoyed having a husband or children to decorate her life? She may never have a source of benefit after her death. Many women delayed marriage and therefore missed out. Their beauty faded away and then they wished they could tear up their degrees in exchange for hearing a child call them, “Mother.” But this usually happens after it becomes too late. We sadly hear this too often from those who went through this terrible experience.

We were also being affected by what goes on within our environment. Are we a secular state or what, having many religion with stupid understanding and behavior.

Such problems are due to an unclear understanding, weak faith and misconceptions regarding the objectives of Islam. People have unjustified fears about the future, over-reliance on positions at work, being materialistic in life, and over-keenness to get degrees. All this weakens one’s reliance on Allah and the acceptance of His decree.

Young men and women must get married as soon as possible, and they should not deprive themselves from their desired happiness and success due to the false excuse of building for their future first, because Allah says (the meaning of which translates as):

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (Qur’an, 24:32)

Abdullah Bin Mas’ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “If there were only 10 days left in my life, and I knew that I would die after that, and I could get married then I would still do so, so that I would not expose my self to corruption.”

Imam Ahmad (may Allah have mercy upon him) said: “Remaining single is not from Islam, and anyone who introduces the idea of remaining single is introducing something other than Islam.”

Another main reason for the spread of this phenomenon is that some parents oppressively prevent their daughters from marrying suitable young men, despite the fact that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “If a man whose religion and manners you approve of comes to you (proposing to your daughter), then give her in marriage to him, otherwise, there will be turmoil on the earth and great corruption.” (Al-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah)

Some fathers breached the trust from Allah which they have carried regarding their daughters by preventing them from marriage. It may be that a young man comes to them asking for their daughter and they delay or prohibit him for no reason, citing baseless excuses. Indeed some fathers see their daughters as a piece of merchandise to be sold at an auction.

Even if your daughter is to be someone’s second wife, pray solatul istkhaara for her because only Allah SWT knows what we know not.

Such fathers do not realize that this is in fact oppression and betrayal. Some fathers even delay their daughter’s marriage in order to benefit from her salary. Where is their mercy?

Do they not consider the consequences of their actions? How can someone who knows about the nature of a woman imprison her for life?

If these people had used their minds then they would have looked for suitable husbands for their daughters, just as Umar offered his daughter for marriage to Abu Bakr and then Uthman, may Allah be pleased with them. Sa’eed Bin Al-Musayyib gave his daughter in marriage to one of his students. Making marriage difficult is destroying homes, killing chastity, ruining morality and spreading evil.

O fathers! Fear Allah regarding those whom are guardians of and rush into marrying them to those who propose for them. Rejecting suitable men and delaying women from marriage jeopardizes and endangers men, women and indeed the community as a whole. Suitable men are those whose practice of Islam is sound, whose manners are good and who are kind, honest and from a good family. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Marry the one who has (i.e., practices) religion, and you will rejoice.”

The tradition of excessive expenditure on weddings and exorbitant dowries, which some people impose upon the groom, only adds to the problem.

Brothers and sisters who are suffering from this problem! Persevere, remain steadfast and chaste and be content with the decree of Allah because what He has for you is better.

Fathers and guardians! We have high hopes in you; we are very optimistic that you will open your hearts and positively respond to that which is better for you, your children and your community.

The cure for spinsterhood lies in strengthening the foundation of faith in the Muslim nation and raising this coming generation upon the correct belief, while emphasising on morals and principles in our Muslim communities. We should facilitate marriages, reduce dowries and marry our daughters to suitable young men based on the correct Islamic criteria for choosing a spouse. The media should educate people and direct them to goodness. We should guide people to suitable young men and the wealthy among us should support those who wish to get married.

Source:  Welcome Islam