CHOOSING A `SPOUSE

Marriage is said to be half our deen… a life-long decision… a very challenging institution and a lovely experience.. but to start we need to pick who or our Mr. or Mrs RIGHT.. So here is some thought Written by: Umm Juwayriyah, Hawa Abdullah and Umm Yusu,( daughter, sister-in-law and mother) to serve as an eye opener of what to focus on!

An Islaamic, successful and happy marriage is the goal of every sister who is considering marriage.

`The experience of choosing a spouse has both its highs and its lows. Low in the sense that we are uncertain about who will get as a spouse. This uncertainty may cause some sisters a bit of anxiety especially for those living in the West where marriages commonly occur between Muslims who are unknown to them or their family. High because you are hopeful that insha Allah the time and effort being put into your search will bring a spouse that you will be able to find companionship and love in.

No matter if you are just starting out or if you have already chosen a suitor it’s essential for every sister to have a realistic approach while going through the process. Here are some key points to consider:

Deen & Character:

For the sister and her family who may be helping her in looking for a spouse: The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said : “If there comes to you an offer of marriage, one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be mischief on earth and widespread corruption.” (at Tirmithi and Ibn Majah)

The search for a spouse who is righteous in his religion and has a good character should be at the top of the list for any Muslim woman. This is similar to laying down the foundation to build a house. If one builds a house on a weak foundation, it will collapse eventually, while a house built on a good solid foundation stands firm through all sorts of weather (trials), insh Allah. A husband with a stable foundation relies on and has trust in the speech of Allah and the authentic statements of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and has the ability to enjoin it upon his family in the best manner. He is also someone who is kind, patient and uses good speech.

As the Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: “The believers with the most complete iman are those with the most refined manners. And the best among you are those who are best to their women.” (at Tirmithi and Ibn Hiban; authenticated by al Albani in Sahih ul Jami no.1232 & as Sahihah no.284)

Disagreements within marriage are common and usually normal occurrences. Having a husband who has a stable foundation and good manners will do wonders to alleviate misunderstandings before they get out of control. Furthermore, the deen and character of a husband is directly linked to how well or not he has the ability to treat you. A husband who fears Allah SWT and has a good character will not only be able to treat you well but, insha Allah, will also be a good role model for any children that you may be blessed with. However, do not be fooled by outward appearances. It’s beautiful to see brothers dress according to the Sunnah, but their deeds must match their pious dress.

Fatimah bint Qais (RA) reported: “I went to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and said: Abul Jahm and Mu’awiyah (RA) have proposed to marry me.  The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: As to Mu’awiyah he is very poor and Abul Jahm is accustomed to beating women.” (Sahih Muslim)

Be diligent, dear sister, in finding out about a suitor’s religion and character and do not stop asking questions until you feel content. It is essential for you and your family to thoroughly research the character of your suitor. This may involve finding out about his reputation, observing him in his dealings with others, speaking to people who have lived with him, traveled with him or done business with him. It is amazing that people will spend weeks and months researching a potential business partner’s background for the sake of a financial investment but are content to ask the minimum number of questions before marrying the sister off to a relative stranger! This is a grave error.

Take your time and insist on getting the answers you seek so that you can make a balanced, informed decision.

Some questions to ask:
1. Do you pray all five salat?
2. How much Qur’an have you memorized?
3. Are you actively seeking knowledge?
4. How do you deal with your parents, siblings and co-worker?
5. Can I speak with your family about you?

Compatibility:

How many times do we hear of cases in which, after a couple weeks, a newly wed couple ends up divorcing because they were too different and could not get along? Homes have broken up over one spouse wanting the other to conform to their idea of how a spouse should behave or manage the household or children. If you know you are unable to be flexible or assimilate in certain areas of your life, you have to honestly express that to a suitor. Also seek honesty from the suitors as well.

Compromise is necessary in any marriage. It may be that you will find out later on that some things you thought you would not be able to accept, Allah grants you ease with. Likewise, it also possible that the very things that you thought you could deal with the best, cause you discomfort. Be balanced, flexible and understanding but not a sap. Know which areas you are prepared to compromise and which areas are not up for negotiation. Some forms of compatibility will develop after the marriage has taken place. Other areas of compatibility will aid in the long tern success of the marriage. Either way it is on you to check for it.

Some questions to ask:
1.What are your likes and dislikes?
2. How you do you feel about…? (Ask about things that are important to you)
3. What are your plans for the future? (Be specific and discuss issues such education, work, children, hijrah, polygyny, and other issues that are important for you to know about)
4. What would you do if…?
5. What do you not want your wife to do…?

Lineage:

While a Muslim man can be married because of his lineage, the best reason should be righteousness and character. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) was asked, ‘Which people are the most honourable?

’ He said: ‘The most honourable in the sight of Allah are the most pious (those who have most taqwa).’ They said, ‘That is not what we were asking about.’ He said: ‘The most honourable of people is Yoosuf the Prophet of Allah, the son of the Prophet of Allah, the son of the Friend (khaleel) of Allah.’

They said: ‘That is not what we were asking about.’ He said, ‘Are you asking about which lineage of the Arabs is most honuorable?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ He said: ‘The best of you at the time of Jahiliyyah are the best of you in Islam, if they understand properly.” Reference required!

In a modern context, you may want to find out about your suitor’s family background, what kind of upbringing he had and whether he has any bad habits that he has carried over from jahiliyyah.

Finances:

Another common cause of friction among married couples is often related to finances. Finding yourself in a situation where you cannot afford your normal standard of living can be extremely stressful. Knowing ahead of time the state of the suitor’s finances can, insha Allah, eliminate unnecessary discord within the marriage.

Islamically, the husband is responsible for the care of his wife; you may already know that, although many times sisters don’t pay close attention to this right until after they have wed. Allah SWT says (English meaning) “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means.” (Surah An-Nisaa:34)

And the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, “They (your women) have a right over you – that you provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner.” (Muslim and Abu Dawud)

Although there is nothing wrong with marrying a pious brother with little money, there is something wrong with marrying a lazy man. A brother who does not want to work or who makes excuses for why he is not working is not ready to take on the responsibility of a wife and potential family.

Some questions to ask:
1. What is your financial situation? Are you in debt?
2. Can you afford to maintain a wife?
3. What are your living arrangements? Will we be living with your/my parents? Will you move into my flat or do you have your own place?
4. Do you expect me to work or claim benefits/social security to support the family?
5. Do you have the ability to give me an allowance for my own personal use?

Attraction:

Ah yes, the looks! What can we say other than that it is important, sisters! Yet, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In other words, what is handsome to one may not be to another. That’s fine, know what works for you. Don’t make the mistake of having a fixed idea of ‘your type’ and rejecting anyone who doesn’t fit the bill.

Attraction is about much more than looks: it is about chemistry and what works for you. Being physically attracted to your spouse helps to keep the bonds of marriage tighter. In Islam, it is permitted and recommended for one to look at their intended spouse, so do so:

Abu Hurayra (RA) reported: I was in the company of Allah’s Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) when there came a man and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar.  Thereupon the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. (Sahih Muslim) Please check this wording!

However, it should be done according to the agreed upon method in the Qur’an and Sunnah of the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and should not extend to unchaperoned meetings or dates.

Now you have a set of guidelines, informed by the Qur’an and the Sunnah. Trust in Allah and start on your journey to finding that special righteous man to be your garment.

May Allah grant you tawfiq and give you a husband from amongst the muttaq

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Women Discover the Secrets of a Happy Marriage

If you were to ask a girl who has not yet been married about the secrets of a happy marriage, she would consider it a strange question, because she is not married or because she might give a romantic dreamy answer that embodies her dreams, ideals and needs rather than reality.

Hence, if we want to discover these secrets, we should ask married women who have real experience, because the answers of such women will be more credible, practical, and realistic. Their answers would be guiding signs on the way of those who have not yet married, and useful advice to wives who have not discovered these secrets and still need to reconsider their marital relationship.

Compliment Your Husband

Randa Ahmad, who has been married for 17 years, advises every bride-to-be saying,

– To lead a happy, stable married life, you have to love your husband and understand his nature. Understanding the nature of your husband enables you to please him. Of course, this will not happen overnight; the longer you live with him, the more you will understand him.

–      It is very important to be humble with him and to pay him a compliment every now and then. By doing this, you will make him happy and lead a happy, stable life with him.

Your Husband’s Weaknesses

Saamiyah Ahmad, a housewife who has been married for 25 years, says to every girl and wife,

– Know the weaknesses of your life partner; care for him, be thoughtful, and make him feel comfortable.

–      If your husband likes food, master the art of cooking to make the most delicious dishes. If he loves his family, be kinder to them than he is.

Madeenah Raashid, a housewife who has been married for 57 years, offers the fruit of her long experience, saying:

–      Cherish your husband in hard times as well as in the good ones. Respect whatever he says and maintain good relations with his family, especially his mother, and you will win him easily.

Say, “I love you”

Muneerah Abdul-Hameed, a working wife who has been married for 30 years, says,

–      Dialogue, mutual understanding, love, and confidence. A husband can have his wife at his disposal just if he says to her “I love you”. This simple phrase will make her give you all her love, tenderness and care.

Umm Yoosuf is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She says,

– First, you have to know that the marriage is not just a honeymoon. Marriage is a heavy responsibility that a woman has to be well-prepared for. An intelligent woman understands the nature of her husband and acts according to that nature, along with sharing his ambitions and hobbies. However, this should be within the proper limits without intruding upon your husband.

Adherence to Islam

Ameenah At-Turki, an Indonesian woman who has been married for 15 years, says,

A wife has to know her duties towards her husband as defined by the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. She has to always remember the saying of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”

Widaad Al-Qaseer has been married for 15 years. She says,

My mother used to tell me not to compare in order not to despair. I say the same thing to all girls: if you want to lead a happy life with your husband, you have to be content with what Allaah The Almighty has granted you. If you do this, you will realize how you are truly blessed by Allaah The Almighty. Otherwise, you will never be happy no matter how hard your husband may try to please you.

Ask Your Husband

Nawaal Muhammad, a Saudi housewife who has been married for 17 years, says,

Obedience is the key to a man’s heart, and then truthfulness with him, as it generates confidence between you and him. Certainly, confidence is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. Take care of your beauty and ask your husband, from time to time, about what he wants from you and what you should do to please him. In this way, you will find out what makes him happy and what makes him unhappy.

Jameelah Muhammad Ali is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She advises all young women, saying,

Men are all alike. All they need is delicious food, a clean, quiet house, and an obedient wife who takes care of her husband and of her beauty. This is all you have to do in order to live happily with your husband. Also, do not forget that you have to bear with him when he is angry and to support him if the going gets tough.

Your In-Laws

‘Aaydah Hanafi has been married for 37years and this is what she has to say,

– Save your husband’s money, never disclose his secrets, not even to the closest people to you, and treat his mother just like you treat yours.

‘Aaydah’s daughter, Naahid Muhammad, a teacher who has been married for 13years, agrees with her mother. She says,

-A wife has to create a good image of her husband in the eyes of her family. Never verbally abuse your husband. Deal with him calmly and politely. With regard to times when there are severe disagreements, a wife has to be clever enough to win her husband’s love and respect.

Aay Noor is an Algerian housewife. She has been married for 30 years. She is shedding light on being a good example and advises the family rather than the wife-to-be or the husband-to-be. She says,

– My advice to all mothers is to teach their daughters how to win the love of their husbands. Teach your daughter how to take you as an example through the way you deal with her father and vice versa. Never interfere with your children’s life after they are married. You should let them lead their own life and learn from their own experience.

Naadyah Abdulmajeed, who has been married for 18 years, advises all wives, saying,

Never belittle your husband, respect his wishes and allow him to act freely. It is wrong to try to discuss something with your husband when he is angry, or to tell him about the problems of the house and the children immediately after he returns from work. You have to choose the proper time for everything. Make him respect you, maintain your dignity with him and do not let him see your tears, except rarely, so that they would not lose their effect on him.

Graduation Certificate in the Kitchen

The famous American journalist, Norma Vincent Peale, Editor in Chief of Guideposts Magazine, who is a wife with three children and seven grandchildren, says that a woman who wants to be happily married has to realize that marriage is the law of life. She adds that with this spirit, a wife will succeed in her attempts to adapt according to her husband’s needs. All that concerns husbands is to see a clean, tidy house, a table full of the food they like, clean clothes whenever they want and some personal things such as the morning newspaper. She says that a skilful wife is the one who takes care of these needs so as to keep her husband’s smile. She says that some husbands like to see their wives in their full adornment and femininity, while others prefer moderate adornment. She adds that the role of the clever wife is to do what her husband expects of her.

Peale maintains that a wife has to make her family the first priority in her life and to sacrifice any position or job for the sake of her husband and children. She says that she once visited a friend and saw her university certificate hung in the kitchen. When she asked her why she did this, her friend replied that the kitchen was the best place for a bachelor’s degree because it is the place where she can make use of what she has learned to master performing her duties as an ideal mother and wife.

SOURCE: http://www.islamweb.net/womane/nindex.php?page=readart&id=149417

If you were to ask a girl who has not yet been married about the secrets of a happy marriage, she would consider it a strange question, because she is not married or because she might give a romantic dreamy answer that embodies her dreams, ideals and needs rather than reality.

Hence, if we want to discover these secrets, we should ask married women who have real experience, because the answers of such women will be more credible, practical, and realistic. Their answers would be guiding signs on the way of those who have not yet married, and useful advice to wives who have not discovered these secrets and still need to reconsider their marital relationship.

Compliment Your Husband

Randa Ahmad, who has been married for 17 years, advises every bride-to-be saying,

– To lead a happy, stable married life, you have to love your husband and understand his nature. Understanding the nature of your husband enables you to please him. Of course, this will not happen overnight; the longer you live with him, the more you will understand him.

– It is very important to be humble with him and to pay him a compliment every now and then. By doing this, you will make him happy and lead a happy, stable life with him.

Your Husband’s Weaknesses

Saamiyah Ahmad, a housewife who has been married for 25 years, says to every girl and wife,

– Know the weaknesses of your life partner; care for him, be thoughtful, and make him feel comfortable.

– If your husband likes food, master the art of cooking to make the most delicious dishes. If he loves his family, be kinder to them than he is.

Madeenah Raashid, a housewife who has been married for 57 years, offers the fruit of her long experience, saying:

– Cherish your husband in hard times as well as in the good ones. Respect whatever he says and maintain good relations with his family, especially his mother, and you will win him easily.

Say, “I love you”

Muneerah Abdul-Hameed, a working wife who has been married for 30 years, says,

– Dialogue, mutual understanding, love, and confidence. A husband can have his wife at his disposal just if he says to her “I love you”. This simple phrase will make her give you all her love, tenderness and care.

Umm Yoosuf is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She says,

– First, you have to know that the marriage is not just a honeymoon. Marriage is a heavy responsibility that a woman has to be well-prepared for. An intelligent woman understands the nature of her husband and acts according to that nature, along with sharing his ambitions and hobbies. However, this should be within the proper limits without intruding upon your husband.

Adherence to Islam

Ameenah At-Turki, an Indonesian woman who has been married for 15 years, says,

A wife has to know her duties towards her husband as defined by the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. She has to always remember the saying of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”

Widaad Al-Qaseer has been married for 15 years. She says,

My mother used to tell me not to compare in order not to despair. I say the same thing to all girls: if you want to lead a happy life with your husband, you have to be content with what Allaah The Almighty has granted you. If you do this, you will realize how you are truly blessed by Allaah The Almighty. Otherwise, you will never be happy no matter how hard your husband may try to please you.

Ask Your Husband

Nawaal Muhammad, a Saudi housewife who has been married for 17 years, says,

Obedience is the key to a man’s heart, and then truthfulness with him, as it generates confidence between you and him. Certainly, confidence is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. Take care of your beauty and ask your husband, from time to time, about what he wants from you and what you should do to please him. In this way, you will find out what makes him happy and what makes him unhappy.

Jameelah Muhammad Ali is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She advises all young women, saying,

Men are all alike. All they need is delicious food, a clean, quiet house, and an obedient wife who takes care of her husband and of her beauty. This is all you have to do in order to live happily with your husband. Also, do not forget that you have to bear with him when he is angry and to support him if the going gets tough.

Your In-Laws

‘Aaydah Hanafi has been married for 37years and this is what she has to say,

– Save your husband’s money, never disclose his secrets, not even to the closest people to you, and treat his mother just like you treat yours.

‘Aaydah’s daughter, Naahid Muhammad, a teacher who has been married for 13years, agrees with her mother. She says,

-A wife has to create a good image of her husband in the eyes of her family. Never verbally abuse your husband. Deal with him calmly and politely. With regard to times when there are severe disagreements, a wife has to be clever enough to win her husband’s love and respect.

Aay Noor is an Algerian housewife. She has been married for 30 years. She is shedding light on being a good example and advises the family rather than the wife-to-be or the husband-to-be. She says,

– My advice to all mothers is to teach their daughters how to win the love of their husbands. Teach your daughter how to take you as an example through the way you deal with her father and vice versa. Never interfere with your children’s life after they are married. You should let them lead their own life and learn from their own experience.

Naadyah Abdulmajeed, who has been married for 18 years, advises all wives, saying,

Never belittle your husband, respect his wishes and allow him to act freely. It is wrong to try to discuss something with your husband when he is angry, or to tell him about the problems of the house and the children immediately after he returns from work. You have to choose the proper time for everything. Make him respect you, maintain your dignity with him and do not let him see your tears, except rarely, so that they would not lose their effect on him.

Graduation Certificate in the Kitchen

The famous American journalist, Norma Vincent Peale, Editor in Chief of Guideposts Magazine, who is a wife with three children and seven grandchildren, says that a woman who wants to be happily married has to realize that marriage is the law of life. She adds that with this spirit, a wife will succeed in her attempts to adapt according to her husband’s needs. All that concerns husbands is to see a clean, tidy house, a table full of the food they like, clean clothes whenever they want and some personal things such as the morning newspaper. She says that a skilful wife is the one who takes care of these needs so as to keep her husband’s smile. She says that some husbands like to see their wives in their full adornment and femininity, while others prefer moderate adornment. She adds that the role of the clever wife is to do what her husband expects of her.

Peale maintains that a wife has to make her family the first priority in her life and to sacrifice any position or job for the sake of her husband and children. She says that she once visited a friend and saw her university certificate hung in the kitchen. When she asked her why she did this, her friend replied that the kitchen was the best place for a bachelor’s degree because it is the place where she can make use of what she has learned to master performing her duties as an ideal mother and wife.

SOURCE: http://www.islamweb.net/womane/nindex.php?page=readart&id=149417