Separating Faith From Culture in Islam By Umm Salihah

I had an interesting conversation with my sister-in-law recently about an old friend of hers who had moved to the States and become a Christian, despite being raised in a practising Muslim household. It made me think about what aspect of her former faith led her to believe that Islam was not for her.

I have come across a small number of former Muslims who have converted to a different religion or become atheist. The pattern I have found is often these people come from very religious families who have tried to drill the faith into their children. The methods they have used however have meant a less than pleasant experience around faith for the children. Some of these methods I have experienced while others I have witnessed.

The first that comes to mind is the ‘hellfire and brimstone’ method of imparting faith, also known as the ‘everything is haram (forbidden)’ method. This is where parents raise their children as Muslims but only within the restrictions of what they can and cannot do—mainly the latter: don’t drink, don’t listen to music, don’t talk to members of the opposite sex, don’t have fun, ad infinitum. Often the ban on doing everything and anything comes without any explanation of why we should avoid these things. Where Islam has forbidden or discouraged something, the Quran or hadith ( the life and sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)) have explained why through clear reasons. Often parents don’t take the time to learn the basis of what is allowed and what is not. Even when they do know, they don’t explain why to children, making bans seem illogical and unreasonable.

I once met a young woman at a lecture about the virtues of various good deeds and the rewards you can expect. She was amazed at the talk. She had spent her whole childhood and teenage years being told about the punishments for various misdeeds, but no one had thought to take a positive perspective on faith with her. Because of this, she had become very demotivated about her faith. The lecture left her energised and empowered because she could focus on working towards good, rather than trying to avoid everything.

Some of the limits established by Islam have a factual basis in the faith, such as no alcohol or no sex outside of marriage. However there are many that don’t: feeling unclean when a young woman begins to menstruate, having to cover your hair in the house or in front of close family members, women not being given a choice regarding whom they marry, sons being given priority over daughters. These are all things which go against the spirit of fairness and kindness central to Islam, but are commonly found in Muslim households, causing young people to feel uncomfortable, guilty or mistreated in relation to their faith.

Much of this comes about due to ignorance of faith and often has a basis in culture rather than religion. While Muslims around the world have upheld the core parts of their faith, they have also internalised elements of other faiths or cultures without being aware of the distinction between the two. I remember someone telling me when I was expecting my first child that it was forbidden to wear henna—completely wrong as henna was used during the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) lifetime and therefore is encouraged. Another lady once told me it was haram to say my husband’s name—wrong again, as there is no basis in our scripture or religious law for this. It’s unfortunate that people are so quick to ban things.

I take the stance with my children that if something is not explicitly banned with clear evidence in the Quran or sunnah, then there is no reason not to partake of it. Funnily enough this ‘everything is haram’ attitude seems to have rubbed off on our four-year-old, who employs it when he doesn’t want to do something: “brushing teefs is haram,” “eating peas is haram,” “being rude to children is haram.” We all jokingly call him the haram police.

Another issue that leads to people losing touch with their faith is having to practice things they don’t understand. This could be learning the Quran in Arabic without any effort to explain its meaning, being encouraged to cover you hair or body with no discussion around why or being discouraged from certain activities with your friends – proms, school discos and mixed sex sports, such as swimming, without a replacement given. I do not believe children should be told to follow a faith blindly. Islam encourages questioning and parents should not be fearful that their faith will not be able to withstand scrutiny. We should communicate faith in an age-appropriate way—through stories, explanations when we do things and our reasoning for the way we approach our faith. If we cannot do this, how can we expect our children to agree with our way of practicing and really, perhaps we should ask why we are doing it ourselves.

For me, it also helps to set a practical example: reading about charity in a book is a good start, but it’s too abstract for children to grasp the relevance. In contrast, involving your children whilst you undertake voluntary work, take food to neighbours or visit someone in the hospital helps them gain practical experience of the positive, motivating and fulfilling aspects of faith. Clearly, positive parenting from a faith perspective is not for the lazy ‘do as I say, not as I do’ brigade.

I also try to incorporate relevant context with my children when we are discussing faith. So during the month of hajj, the Muslim pilgrimage, we share stories about the origins of the rituals involved. We share our experiences and take the kids with us to visit returning haji’s. We discuss the stories and events behind some of the gifts—special ajwa dates, Zamzam water from Mecca and pretty prayer beads. Faith moves away from something you are lectured about and toward a fascinating experience you want to be part of.

In this lies the heart of my efforts to share my faith with my children in a positive way. Instead of constantly warning and guilt-tripping them with great, long lists of things they cannot do, I wish to go back to my religion’s foundation. I am keen to strip away the restrictions and unfair practices incorporated into Islam by many and return to the joy and spirit of the early days of the faith: fighting for the rights of women, the poor, the elderly and all those who are vulnerable in society, speaking out against injustice, bringing a sense of discipline and responsibility into our lives, fostering compassion for the rest of creation, and living lives that are consistent with our internal moral compass of right and wrong.

I want my children to know that faith does not begin with a list of rules but with a relationship with their Creator. Faith begins through feeling part of something greater and finding a purpose and a clear path through life. This means having enough knowledge to know their rights as part of the Muslim community and feel empowered to make well informed decisions about their lives.

Perhaps I am stating the obvious, but I have seen too many religious families where the children shy away from the faith because of their negative experiences: lectures, bans, guilt by tales of hellfire and brimstone, emotional or spiritual blackmail or because they are just not able to see any relevance with their own lives. I deeply hope that my children are able to embrace Islam because they have experienced the pleasure, sense of brotherhood, empowerment, direction and serenity it can bring.

SOURCE: www.incultureparent.com

Establishing an Islamic Family

“And Allah has made for you from your homes a place of rest” [Soorah an-Nahl (24): 80]

Allah mentions His complete favor upon His slaves from what He has created for them in regards to their houses being places of tranquility. They are places of refuge, screening and of benefit from all aspects.

A house for us is a place of eating, marriage, sleeping and rest. A place of privacy, meeting one’s wife and children, a place to safeguard oneself. It is a place of security from evil and protection from the people.

Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Safety for a man in times of tribulations is to stay in his home.” Hasan – Related by Tabaree in al-Aswat from Thawbaan (radhi allahu anhu) and it is also in Saheeh ul-Jaami (3824)

Most importantly, a home is an important means towards building the Muslim community. The society is made up from home and it is the origin. The home is life and the life is society. If the home is strong then the community will be strong in implementing the laws of Allah, resisting the aims of the enemies of Allah, to spread good and to stop evil from penetrating.

What is required is callers who are guides, students of knowledge, sincere mujaahideen, a righteous wife, mothers who can educate etc. to be born out of our Muslim homes and then go into the society in order to reform it.

Hence, if this subject is so important and our homes have evil and large deficiencies, negligence and carelessness thus comes the question: ‘What are the ways in which we can reform our HOMES?’

So, O noble reader! Here, we try to address the advice on establishing an Islamic HOME, hoping that Allah benefit us with it and vive us direction to strengthen Islam by reviving the Muslim HOME. The advice takes two forms: 1) To achieve reform by enjoining the good and 2) to block the corruption by removing the evil.

Choosing the Right Partner

Righteous husband and wife share the primary and most important step towards building a Righteous Islamic HOME. The righteous man with the righteous woman can both build a righteous HOME because the good abode will bear its fruits with the permission of Allah. That which is bad will produce nothing except misery. Allah, says in the Qur’aan:

“And marry the unmarried among you who are single (i.e. man who has no wife and a woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the ‘Salihun’ (pious, fit, capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty.” [Soorah An-Nahl (24): 32]

For the Man
It is very important to be very careful in choosing a righteous wife as Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “The whole world is a place of enjoyment and the best enjoyment is a righteous wife.” Muslim no. 1468 and An-Nisaee from Ibn Amr and Saheeh al-Jaame (3407)

“A righteous wife who will help you in religious and worldly affairs is better than all the treasures the people have collected.” Ahamd 5/282 at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Majah from Thawbaan. Saheeh ul-Jaami 5355

Just as the righteous wife is from the good things, bad woman is one of the difficult things, as is stated in the authentic hadeeth:

“From the joys of a righteous woman is when you look at her she pleases you, when you are away from her, she safeguards herself and your wealth. From the difficulties of a bad woman is when you look at her she displeases you and she answers you back, when you are away from her she does not safeguard herself and you wealth.” Ibn Majah 1861 and others. See Silsilah as-Saheehah 282

One should bear in minds the following condition specified by the Prophet of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) in choosing a wife:

“A woman is married for four reasons; her wealth, her family, her beauty and her faith. So, marry the one who is religious and you will prosper.” Saheeh al-Bukharee vol.9 no. 132.

He (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) also said: “Marry women who are loving and prolific in giving birth, as I shall outnumber the other Prophet’s (nation) through you.” Ahmad 5/245. Al-Albaane said it is authentic in Irwaa al-Ghaleel 6/195

For the Woman :
Likewise, a woman must look at the condition of the proposer who comes for her. His suitability should be according to the following conditions:

The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruption.” Ibn Majah 1967. See Slsilah as-Saheehah

This great Hadeeth demonstrate as to what should be the most important character a woman should look for when selecting a husband: they being good character and piety. Wealth and lineage are secondary considerations.

Furthermore, the person of religion and good behavior may be a blessing for her and her children. She may learn manners and religion from him. If he does not have these characters then she should stay away from him, especially if he is one of those who is lax with respect to performing the prayers.

Obligation of Living with one’s wife in Kindness 
It is binding upon the husband to live with his wife in the best way possible and to be lenient to her in everything that Allah has permitted. There are various ahadeeth concerning this issue:

1) Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wives, and I am the best of you towards them”[Authentic At-Tahawee]

2) The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said in the farewell Hajj: “Listen and take my counsel with regards to women. Be good to them for they are captives with you. You possess nothing to them other than this, unless they commit some flagrant (deliberate) obscenity. If they do then separate the beds (do not have sexual relations with them) and beat them but in a way that does no injury. If they return to obedience, then seek no further retribution. You have rights over your wives and your wives have rights over you. As for your rights over your wives, they are that no one disliked by you should sit on your bed, and they admit no one into your home who you dislike. Yes, and their rights over you is that you are very good to them in providing them dress and their food.” [Authentic at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Majah]

3) He (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Let no male believer ever hate a female believer. Though he may dislike one of her attribute, he will be pleased with another” [Saheeh Muslim]

4) He (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “The believer with most complete faith is the one with the best character and the best of those are those who treat their wives in the best.” [Hasan – Tirmidhee]

Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wasallam), one with best of morals and character, not only advised the Muslim husbands to be good to their wives but he had indeed established an excellent behavior with his wives as clear by the following narration:

1) On the authority of Aa’ishah (radhi allahu anhu) who said: ‘On the Eid, the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) called me while the Ethiopians were playing with their spears in the masjid saying: “O little red one! Would you like to watch them?” I replied ‘Yes.’ Then, he had me stand behind him and dropped his shoulders, so that I could see. I rested my chin on his shoulders with my face against his cheek, and I watched over his shoulders. He kept saying: “Haven’t you had enough?” I kept saying: ‘No in order to test my status with him, until finally I had enough…’ [Saheeh al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim and others]

2) On the authority of Aa’ishah (radiyallahu anha), who said: ‘The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) returned from the battle of Tabook or it was Khaybar. There was a curtain over my room. The wind blew, lifting the curtain and exposing a part of my room in which, Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) saw some dolls with which Aa’ishah (radhi allahu anhu) used to play. He said: “What is this O Aa’ishah?” She replied ‘my daughters (Arabs used to call dolls, daughters). He saw among them a horse with two wings made out of a piece of cloth. He said: “What is this?” She replied: ‘A horse’ He said: “and what are those on the horses?” She replied: ‘Two wings’ He said: “A horse with two wings?!” Aa’ishah said: ‘The Prophet laughed until I could see his molar teeth.’ [Authentic – Abo Dawood An Nisa’ee in Al-Ishrah]

3) Also on the authority of Aa’ishah (radhi allahu anhu) who reported that she was once on a trip with the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) while still a young girl. She said: ‘I had not acquired excess body flesh, nor had my body become large. The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said to his Companions: Move on ahead. When they had gone on ahead of us, he said: Come, and I will race you. Then I beat him in a foot race.’

‘Later on, I was on another trip with him, and he again said to his Companions: ‘Go on ahead.’ Then, he said to me:’ I will race you.‘ I had completely forgotten the previous incident. Moreover, I had become heavier. She asked: How can I race you, when I am in this condition? He replied: You will race me! So, I raced him, and he won the race. Then he began laughing and said: This is for that victory.‘ [Authentic – Al-Humaydee, an-Nisa’ee in al-Ishrah and Aboo Dawood]

8) Also on the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, (radhi allahu anhu) who said: the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) used to be brought a glass of milk from which I would drink first, even though I was menstruating. Then he would take the glass and drink, putting his mouth on the same spot, where my mouth had been. At other times, I used to take a piece of meat and eat from it. Then he would take it and eat, putting his mouth on the same area on which I had put mine. [Saheeh Muslim and Ahmad]

On the authority of Jaabir bin Abdullah (radhi allahu anhu) and Jaabir bin Umar, both reported that the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:

“All things in which there is no mention of Allah are frivolity, absent-mindness and idle play except for four things: a man being playful with his wife, training his horse, walking between two purposeful goals and teaching another man to swim.” [An-Nisa’ee in al-Ishrah and at-Tabaree]

Obligation on Woman to Obey Her Husband

It is important for the woman to be obedient to her husband within the range of her capacity, because Allah has favored men over women, as shown in the previously mentioned verses, that they have a degree over them. Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) shed light on this important issue saying:

“By the One in whose Hand is the soul of Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wasallam), no women has fulfilled her obligations to her Lord, until she has fulfilled her obligations to her husband, even if he were to ask her when she is mounted on the saddle, she should not refuse his request” [Authentic Ibn Majah and Ahmad]

He (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) further elaborated this issue making clear to us the duties of a righteous wife towards her husband and the rewards of her obedience to him:

1) “If a woman prays the five prayer, guards her private parts (from anything illegal), and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any door she wishes.” [Authentic – at-Tabaree in al-Aswat and ibn Hibban]

2) On the authority of Hussian bin Muhsan (radhi allahu anhu) who said: ‘My aunt narrated (a hadeeth) to me, saying: ‘I came to the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) for some need of mine. He (radhi allahu anhu) said: “How are you towards your husband?” She said: ‘I do not fall short in anything except which I am unable to do. Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Well look to your position in relation to him, for it is the key to Paradise and Hell.”‘ [Authentic – at-Tabaree in al-Aswat and ibn Hibban]

3) The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “It is not allowed for a woman to fast in the presence of her husband except with his permission, except in Ramadaan, and she may admit no-one in his house except with his permission” [Saheeh al-Bukhari and others]

4) The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Whenever a man calls his wife to their bed, but she refuses to come, letting him spend the night angry with her, she is cursed by Angels until the morning.”

In another narration: “Until she goes to him until he forgives her” [Saheeh al-Bukhari and Saheeh Muslim]

Words of Advice to Husband and Wife

1. To be compliant, co-operative and conciliatory towards one another, to advise each other and urge each other towards obedience to Allah, the Most High and the Most Blessed, following all of His Rulings, which have been clearly established in the Qur’aan and the Sunnah. These must never be superseded by blind following of any custom or school of thought, which has predominated among the people. Allah, the Most High says:

“It is not fitting for a believing, man and woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger, to have an opinion about their decision; if anyone disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong path.” [Soorah al-Ahzab: 36]

2.Each of them should fully carry out the duties and responsibilities with which Allah has obliged on them towards one another. The Qur’aan deals with the role of men and women in the following verses:

“Men are protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands) and guard in their husbands absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. chastity, their husbands property, etc.) As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, and at last beat them (lightly, if it is useful) but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” [Soorah An-Nisa (4): 34]

The Divine injunction describes man as Qawwam (maintainer) and the women as Qanitah (obedient) Hafizatun lil Ghaib (preserver of the secret). This verse give two reasons as to why men are described as maintainer. Firstly, because

‘Allah has made one of them to excel the other’ which means that He has excelled men to be physically stronger and more inclined to have a career outside the home.

The second reason is that “they spend from their means” it is the man’s duty to provide financially for his family and it is also the man who is required to give a dower to his wife at the time of marriage.

The husbands, thus have been put in charge of his home, but this is a responsibility and not a privilege. His duty is to do justice, to consult the duties of the family and to refrain from tyranny.

The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Those who do justice will be on thrones of light at Allah’s right Hand, and both of Allah’s Hands are right Hands; those who were just in their ruling with their families and in all which they were given authority.” [Saheeh Muslim]

The different roles of sexes means that never is one burdened with all the duties while the other enjoys all privileges. Instead they both have individual duties and privileges, and both make sacrifice in order to win the pleasure of Allah. The Qur’aan says in this regard:

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty and All-Wise.” [Soorah Al-Baqarah (2): 228]

Mu’aawiyah ibn Haidah (radhi allahu anhu) said: “O Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihe wa-sallam), what rights do our wives have on us? The Prophet of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) replied:

“That you should feed them as you feed yourselves, never invoke ugliness upon them (this refers to the custom of the Arabs before Islam of saying to their wives in anger: May Allah make your face ugly) never strike them on their face, and in boycotting the marital bed do not go outside the house to sleep. How (could you do any of these) when you have entered into one another, so do only that which is allowed with regards to her (for valid reasons)” [Authentic Related by Ahmad]

And when they both of them having faith, know and practice the right and duties of each other, Allah the Most High, authorizes for them a good life as long as they remain together in the bliss of happiness. Allah says in the Qur’aan: “Whoever works righteous, man or woman, and has faith to Him We will give a new life, a life which is good and pure and We will bestow on them their rewards according to the best of their actions.” [Soorah An-Nahl: 97]

Abridged from Advice on Establishing an Islamic Home by Aboo Ubaidah Amr bin Basheer

“Making the House into a place of Remembrance”

“I did not create Jinn and mankind except for My worship”
[Soorah adh-Dhariyaat: 56]

After establishing the most important factor towards building a righteous Islamic HOME: the body – comprising the spouses, their collaboration with each other and compliance to the laws of Allah, the Exalted, comes the next important step – giving life to it, through the remembrance of Allah and His worship, since the body without life is futile and inefficient of yielding any benefit, according to the explanation of Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam), in describing the two categories of houses: “The example of the home in which Allah is remembered and the home in which Allah is not remembered, is like comparing the living and the dead” [Saheeh Muslim (1/539)]

This task can take several forms remembrance by the means of the heart, the tongue like reciting His Book, praising Him, prayers, reciting specific Du’aa mentioned by His Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) etc: Following, are some ways that assist in establishing the Islamic environment in our HOMES:

Performing voluntary prayers in the house

Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “The best prayer of the man is in his home except the obligatory prayer.” [Abu Dawood]

He also said: “The voluntary (prayer) in the home is better then the voluntary (prayer) with the people. It is like the (obligatory) prayer of the man in congregation being better than praying (the obligatory) by himself.” [Ibn Abee Shaybah and Saheeh al-Jamee (2953)]

Prayer for Stopping or Lodging Somewhere

“Audhu bikalimatillahi tammati min sharri ma khalaq”

“I take refuge with Allah’s Perfect Words from the evils that He has created” [Saheeh Muslim (3/1599)]

Prayer for entering the HOME

“When a man enters his home and he remembers the Name of Allah, the Most High, while entering and also when he eats, Shaytaan says: ‘There is no place for you to spend the night here and there is no food to eat here’ If he enters his home and does not remember the name of Allah while entering; Shaytaan says: ‘There is a place for you to spend the night. If he does not remember the name of Allah while eating he says: ‘There is a place for you to eat and spend the night” [Saheeh Muslim 3/1599]

The Siwaak

Aaisha (radhi allahu anhu) said that the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) used to start with the siwaak when he entered the Home. [Saheeh Muslim]

Prayer for Leaving the HOME

“If a man leaves his HOME and says: ‘In the Name of Allah, I place my trust in Allah and there is nor power except with Allah.

“Bismillah tawakkaltu ala Allah wa la Hawla wa la Kuwwata illa bi-Allah”

It will be said to him: ‘You are guided, defended and protected’ Shaytaan will go away from him and another Shaytaan will say to him: ‘Think! How can you deal with a man who has been guided, defended and protected” [Abu Dawood, Tirmidhee and Saheeh al-Jaami 499]

Before entering Toilet

“Allahumma inni audhubika minal Khubthi wal-Khabaaith”

“O Allah, I take refuge with You from all evil and evil-doers” [Bukharee and Muslim]

After Leaving the Toilet

“gufranak” “I ask you Allah for forgiveness” [Abu Dawood]

Regular recitation of Soorah al-Baqarah

The Prophet of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “Do not turn your homes into graves as the Shaytaan flees from the homes where Soorah al-Baqarah is recited” [Saheeh Muslim (1/539)]

And: “Recite Soorah al-Baqarah in your homes as Shaytaan does not enter a home where soorah al-Baqarah is recited” [Haakim in al-Mustadrak 1/561 Saheeh al-Jaame (1170)]

He also mentioned the merits of reciting the last two verses of Soorah al-Baqarah, when he said: “Indeed, Allah, the Most High, wrote a book before He created the Heavens and the earth by two thousand years and it is by the Throne. He sent down from it two verses to finish Soorah al-Baqarah with them. If they are recited in an abode for three nights the Shaytaan will not come near it” [Ahmad in as-sunnah (4/274) and Saheeh al-Jaami]

Teaching the Family

“O you who believe, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stone” [Soorah at-Tahreem: 6]

Teaching and educating the family is a duty of the head of the household. The above-mentioned verse teaches the main principle of education: it being ordering the good and forbidding the evil.

Ali (radhi allahu anhu) said about this verse: “Teach them (family) and show them good manners.”

Al-Bukhari (rahimahullah) brings in his Saheeh under the title: ‘Men teaching their female servants, and wives’

“Three will have two rewards… and a man who had a female servant and taught the best of the good manners and gave her the best education, then freed her and married her, he will have two rewards”

Ibn Hajr explains this Hadeeth by saying: “The chapter heading corresponds to the hadeeth in regards to the female servants being mentioned. As for the wives it is through analogy (similarity, correspondence), because it is more important to teach the wives duties prescribed by Allah and the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) than the female servant.” [Fath al-Baaree (1/190)]

Men should spare a day for his family from his busy schedule and establish regular sittings with his family; if possible these sittings must also include relatives. Encouraging them and being strict to their attendance one should make them stick to it. Al-Bukharee (rahimahullah) writes in his saheeh relating from Aboo Sa’eed al-Khudree (radhi allahu anhu): “The women said to the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam): ‘The men have taken all your time, so give us a day from yourself. So he promised them a day for a meeting to admonish and order them”

Thus, female education is also very important.

These sittings must teach them basic Islamic laws: like the Fundamentals of Tawheed in Islam, Negating Shirk, shunning Innovations etc. Also Laws of Purification, prayer, zakaat, fasting etc.. Along with these they must be instructed with all Islaamic etiquettes: etiquettes of eating and drinking, clothing and adornment, the actions of fitrah, who is a mahram, rules regarding photography, singing…etc. Their schedule must also include Islamic gatherings.

The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “May Allah have mercy upon a man who stood at night and prayed, then he wakes up his wife and she prayed. If she refused he sprinkles water upon her face.” [Ahmad and Abu Dawood ]

It is also related from Aishah (radhi allahu anhu) that Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) used to pray at night and when he prayed the witr he would say: “Stand and pray the witr. O A’ishah” [Saheeh Muslim (6/23)]

Educating the Children

Educating the Children should be done from the early age, starting with the Qur’aanic memorization, supplications, etiquettes and manners; like what to say upon sneezing, eating, sleeping, going to the toilets etc.

They should be related stories of the Prophets of the past nations and specifically our Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam). They must be sent to Islamic schools, which include Qur’aan classes, they must be taught the language of the Qur’aan. One may also reward them financially for the completion of each step in their program. One should be very careful about whom they mix with and who they be friend. As children pick up bad manners and bad language from their surrounding.

The Prophet of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “The example of a good companion in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the musk seller and the blacksmith’s bellow; from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell, while the bellows would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell from it.” [Saheeh Bukharee] Also their toys must be selective, so as to avoid the unlawful.

Establishing a Library in Your Home

An Islaamic library should be set-up in the HOME, in order to aid the family, to widen their scope in understanding the religion and help them to adhere to the shari’ah rules.

It is not necessary to make it like a public library, but enough resources to benefit the children, the elders, both men and women, relatives and guests. It is also important to locate it in a place where it is easily accessible. It is best to have books and cassettes of reliable scholars, on the issues of Islamic Creed, Qur’aan and its Sciences, Hadeeth and its Sciences. Books regarding etiquettes in Islam, Character, Biography of our Noble Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam), his Companions (radhi allahu anhu) and previous Prophets (alaihi as-salaam).

Some recommended books

Islaamic Creed – Explanation of the creed by Imaam al-Barbaharee | Kitaab at-Tawheed by Shaykh ibn abu al-Wahhab |The Salaf’s Guide to the Understanding of Fate in Islam by Dr. Saleh as-Saleh | Tawassul Its Types and Ruling by Shaykh Naasir ad-Deen Al-Albanee.

Qur’aan– An Introduction to the Qur’aan Suhaib Hasan | An introduction to the Principles of Tafseer by Shaykh al-Islaam ibn Taymiyyah | The Tafseer Soorah an-Naba, Soorah Nazi’aat | Soorah Fatihah, Ayyat al-Kursi and others by Dr. Saleh as-Saleh.

Hadeeth– Summarized edition of Saheeh Bukhari | Introduction to the sciences of Hadeeth | An introduction to the Sunnah by Sohaib Hasan | The Hadeeth is a Proof in Itself by Shaykh Naasir ad-Deen Al-Albanee | Forty Hadeeth by Imaam An-Nawawi

Others – The Prophet’s Prayer by Shaykh Naasir ad-Deen Al-albanee |

Inviting the Righteous and the Students of Knowledge to Visit your HOME

“My Lord, forgive me and my parents and whosoever enter my house, a believer, believing men and believing women. And do not increase the wrong-doers in destruction.” [Soorah an-Nuh (28)]

It is essential to be very careful about those, who enter your HOMES, since it has a great effect on your family members, their behavior and character. Prophet of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said regarding the right company:

“Souls are like troops collected together and those who familiarized with each other (before the beginning of the world) would have affinity with one another (in the world) and those amongst them who opposed each other (before the beginning of the world) would also be divergent (in the world).” [Saheeh Muslim (6376)]

Bad company may ruin ones life in this world and the Hereafter. The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said while passing through one of the grave-yards:

“These two persons are being tortured not for a major sin (to avoid).” The he added: “Yes (they are being tortured for a major sin). Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine while the other used to go about with calumnies (to make enmity between friends).”[Saheeh al-Bukharee (1/215)]

One should invite righteous people and the students of knowledge as the carrier of musk will either lay down a good example, or you will be influenced by them and the children and the family can also benefit by listening to them.

A sign of the righteous is recitation of the Qur’aan, the prophet of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “A believer who recites is like a citron whose fragrance is sweet and whose taste is sweet. A believer who does not recite the Qur’aan is like a date, which has no fragrance but has sweet taste. A profligate (inattentive) who recites the Qur’aan is like basil whose fragrance is sweet but whose taste is bitter and the profligate who does not recite the Qur’aan is like the colocynth, which has a bitter taste and has no fragrance. A good companion is like musk; even if nothing of it goes to you, its fragrance will reach you. A bad companion is like a man who has bellows; if its (black) soot does not reach you, its smoke will reach you.”[Abu Dawood (4811)]

For those who Accept the Invitation

It is recommended for him who accepts the invitation to make Du’aa for the host, after he has finished eating, using one of the following prayers:

“Allahumma Baarik lahum fima razaktahum wagfir lahum war-Hamhum”

“O Allah, forgive them, have mercy on them and bless them in that which You have granted them.” [Saheeh Muslim]

“Allahumma at’im man atamani waski man sakani”

“O Allah, feed the one who feeds me and give drink to the one who gives me.” [Saheeh Muslim and Ahmad]

“Aftara ‘indakum as-saaimoon wa-akala ta’aamakum abraar, wa-sallat ‘alaykum al-malaaikah”

“May the righteous eat your food, may the Angels send their prayers upon you, and may fasting ones break fast in your house.” [(Authentic) Ahmad, Bayhaqee and others]

Spreading Good manners and Gentleness in the HOME

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “If Allah, the Most High and the Most Majestic, intends good for the people, He puts within them gentleness.” [Musnad Ahmad (6/71)]

Gentleness is one of the means to peace and happiness in the HOME.
Gentleness with the spouse and children is very beneficial and the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) is reported to be very kind and helpful to his wives and children. He was a man amongst men who used to patch up his clothes, he used to milk his goat and serve himself. [Sisilah al-Ahaadeeth (671)]

Being playful with one’s wife and children is another reason of extending happiness in the house.

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “Everything which does not contain the dhikr of Allah is amusement and play, except four: A man playing with his wife…” [Sunan Nisa’ee]

And Aa’ishah (radhi allahu anha) said: “I and the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) used to bathe together from one pot in our house. The pot used to be between me and him, he used to race with it and I used to say: ‘Leave some, leave some.” She said they both used to be in janaba.”

Many instances can be found regarding being kind and playful with the children. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) used to be very kind to children. He used to talk to them in a gentle way, stroke their heads, carry them on his back and give them dates before he ate one. He (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “The one who is not merciful, will not have mercy shown to him.” [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

Narrated Ibn Abbas (radhi allahu anhu), when the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) arrived in Makkah, the small children of Banee ‘Abd al-Mutallib (a tribe) welcomed him, he put one of them on his back and carried one of them in his arms.” [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

Narrated Abdullah ibn Ja’far (radhi allahu anhu): “Whenever the Prophet came back from a journey he would meet us. Once he met me, al-Hasan, and al-Husayn. He carried one of us in his arms and the other on his back until we entered al-Madeenah.” [ Muslim, Abu Dawood and Ibn Majah]

Discipline among the Family

Strict time keeping in the House: A Strict timetable in the house should be formed, for example eating timings, all members of the family should eat together, sleeping timings, wake up early, no late-nights etc…
The HOME should not resemble a hotel, where people act according to their desires

Guarding the Secrets of the House

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “From amongst the most evil of people with Allah on the Day of Judgement is a man who has relationship with his wife and she with him, then he spreads her secrets.” [Saheeh Muslim (4/157)]

Also, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) once said: “Perhaps a man will say what he does with his family, and the woman will inform what she did with her husband.” The people were silent, but a woman Asmaa bint Yazeed said: “By Allah, O Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam)! The women do this, and indeed the men also do that.” He replied: “Do not do that, for it is like a male Shaytaan meeting a female Shaitaan in the road and they have relations while the people are watching.” [Musnad Ahmad (6/457)]

Thus, one should not spread the marital matters outside the house, and act upon the saying of Allah: “And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator (mediator) from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is Ever Knowing and Acquainted.” [Soorah an-Nisa (4): 35]

Seeking Permission to Enter: Allah says: “O you who believe! Do not enter houses other than your own houses until you ascertain welcome and greet their inhabitants. That is best for you; perhaps you will be reminded. If you do not find anyone therein, so not enter, until the permission has been given to you. If it is said to you: Go back, then go back; it is purer for you. And Allah is knowing of what you do.” [Soorah an-Noor (24): 27-28]

“And it is not righteousness to enter houses from the back, but righteousness is in one who fears Allah. And enter houses from their doors. And fear Allah, that you may succeed.” [Soorah al-Baqarah (2): 189]

“Whenever the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) asked permission to enter, he knocked the door thrice with a greeting and whenever he spoke a sentence (said a thing) he used to repeat it thrice.” [Saheeh al- Bukharee]

When she reached his house, Zaynab, the wife of Ibn Mas’ood, came and asked permission to enter. It was said: “O Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) it is Zaynab” He asked: “Which Zaynab?” The reply was: ‘the wife of Ibn Mas’ood’. He said: “Yes, allow her to enter.” So she was admitted.” [Saheeh al-Bukharee (2/541)]

One should not enter the house if permission is not granted: Abu Sa’eed al-Khudree (radhi allahu anhu) said: “Abu Moosa (radhi allahu anhu) came as if he was scared, and said: ‘I asked permission to enter Umar’s house three times, but I was not given permission, so I returned.’ (When Umar knew about this) he said to Abu Moosa: “Why did you not enter?” Abu Moosa replied: “I asked the permission three times and I was not given it, so I returned for the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “If any one of you asks permission thrice to enter and permission is not given, then he should return…” [Saheeh al-Bukharee ]

Order for the Children and Servants not to enter the Bedroom

The children and servants are ordered not to enter the bedroom of the husband and wife without permission, during the times of sleep and rest. These are before the dawn, after the ishaa prayer and the time of the mid day nap. There is a threat that they may intrude on their privacy and Allah says: “O you who believe! Let those whom your right hands possess and those who have not yet reached puberty among you ask permission of you (before entering)during three times; before the dawn prayer, and when you put aside your clothing (for rest) at noon, and after the night prayer. (These are) three times of privacy for you. There is no blame on you, nor upon them beyond these (periods), for they (habitually) circulate among you and each other. Thus does Allah make clear to you the verses, and Allah is Knowing and Wise.” [Soorah an-Noor (24): 58]

It is Forbidden to Spy

It is forbidden to look into other people’s houses without their permission. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “…If someone peeps into your house without your permission, and you throw a stone at him and damage his eyes, there will be no blame on you.” [Saheeh al-Bukharee (9/26)]

And: “If anyone peeps into the house of a people without their permission and he knocks out his eye, Qasas (punishment) nor diya (blood-money) is incurred for his eye.” [Abo Dawood (5153)]

One must come to the door seeking permission and avoid looking in if the door is open. When Sa’d ibn abee Waqqas (radhi allahu anhu) came and stood at the door, the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “Stand away from it, (stand) this side or that side. Asking permission is meant to escape from the look.” [Aboo Dawood (5155)]

Hanging the stick where it may be seen: One of the ways to teach good manners, is hanging of a stick in the house where it will be a threat. The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) said: “Hang the sticks where they can be seen by the people of the house, because it is a way of teaching manners to them.” [Tabaree and Silsilah as-Saheehah]

The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) also said: “Order your children to perform the prayer when they are seven, and spank them when they are ten.” [Aboo Dawood]

One should not resort to hitting without a need of it, because hanging the stick does not mean to hit them, it is merely to teach them manners and it is not the only way of teaching manners, Allah says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devotedly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As for those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all).” [Soorah An-Nisa (4): 34]

One may also boycott anyone for a sin as Aa’ishah (radhi allahu anha) said: “Whenever the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alaihi wa-sallam) heard anyone from his household tell a lie he would boycott them until he saw that they had repented.” [Ahmad (6/152), and in Saheeh al-Jaami (4675)]

SOURCE: The Islam Show – About the Author: Nasir.

http://www.articlesbase.com/home-and-family-articles/establishing-an-islamic-family-4240575.html

Ten Reasons to Take your Kids for a Walk …

<Though  the article says Ten Reasons to Take your Kids for a Walk this Summer-By Shehnaz Toorawa i guess this is practice we can use all year round!>

As the days lengthen and the weather warms, parents search for halal ways to keep their children amused. Along with trips to amusement parks, swimming lessons, and barbeque parties, consider a simple walk in the neighbourhood park or conservation area.

With a little creativity, your kids can gain numerous benefits from a walk in the forest.

Grab the opportunity for your kids to:

1- Do some hands-on science. Touch and observe things around you and talk about them. Pick up an acorn and ask your kids, “What’s inside?” and “How does it get there?”. Discuss the “green stuff” growing on a rock, see if you notice signs of succession, or ask your kids why the leaves are green in summer. Let your children’s natural curiosity guide the learning. You don’t have to know all the answers. Take some samples home for further experiments, research, or ‘show and tell’.

2- Remember Allah. Ask your children who created the things around them. Encourage them to point out signs of Allah’s existence and to praise Allah when they see something that amazes them. Remind them of ayahs in the Quran about nature like:

Behold! in the creation of the heavens and the earth; in the alternation of the night and the day; in the sailing of the ships through the ocean for the profit of mankind; in the rain which Allah Sends down from the skies, and the life which He gives therewith to an earth that is dead; in the beasts of all kinds that He scatters through the earth; in the change of the winds, and the clouds which they Trail like their slaves between the sky and the earth;- (Here) indeed are Signs for a people that are wise. (2:164)

3- Get some exercise. Children often spend their day in stationary activities like television, video games, and internet. A walk gives them physical exercise to refresh their mind and bodies.

4- Appreciate art and beauty. Comment on the natural beauty in Allah’s creation. Reflect on the colours, contrasts and lines you see in nature. If art interests your kids, encourage them to paint or photograph the scenes.

5- Learn to conserve. Ask your kids how the resources they see benefit us and how we harm them. Remind them of their responsibility towards the environment, as the Prophet, peace by upon him, said, “The world is green and beautiful and God has appointed you as His stewards over it. He sees how you acquit yourselves…” (Muslim). Brainstorm ways you and your kids can change your lifestyle to protect these resources.

6- Identify species and sounds. Pick up reference books from the library and help your kids identify the trees, flowers and birds you see. Learn the names of local birds and animals and count how many you spot.

7- Start a collection. Children love to collect. Find something that interests your kids—leaves, wildflowers, insects, pebbles—and help them collect, label and display their project. Show them how to collect without damaging nature.

8- Strengthen your bond. Talk about school, work, friends, and future plans as you walk. The time you spend on weekly walks will strengthen your relationship with your kids.

9- Clear their mind and lungs. You and your kids will appreciate fresh air and a peaceful break after a busy day indoors.

10- Pick up navigation skills. Take a map and compass on your walk. Plan a route together, follow it on the map and learn how to use a compass as you go.

SOURCE: http://myinkspiration.wordpress.com/2007/04/23/ten-reasons-to-take-your-kids-for-a-walk-this-summer/

Selecting your name- Islamic rules

Question:
asalaam alaikum, is the name Aliza a suitable name for a muslim female baby. What does it mean? and is it arabic? Answer:
As-Salamu `alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
We commend your keenness on getting yourself well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.
Islam emphasizes that Muslims should have good names and give good names to their children. It is reported in a hadith that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “You will be called on the Day of Resurrection by your names and the names of your fathers, so have good names.” (Reported by Abu Dawud)

In the choice of names, we should follow certain guidelines as illustrated in the following fatwa issued by the eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi:

“Islam does not oblige Muslims to choose specific names, Arab or non-Arab names, for their children, whether males or females. It is rather up to people to decide which names they would like to choose for their children.

However, selecting names should be pursuant to some Islamic rules:

1- To be a good name that is neither detestable by people nor to be rejected by the child himself, when he grows up. Such detestable names are like those which bear the meaning of bad omen, evil connotations, names of people known for their oppression and excessiveness, and so on. In this regard, we find that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to change bad names into good ones. For example, he changed the name of someone from “Qalilah” (A few) into “Kathirah” (A lot), and the name of another from “`Aasiyah” (Sinner) into “Jamilah” (Beautiful), and so on.

2- A Muslim should not call his son names such as, “`Abdul-Ka`abah”, “`Abdun-Nabi”, “`Abdul-Hussayn”, and such names that implies `Ubudiyyah (servitude) to others than Allah. Ibn Hazm said that naming children with names as such is, according to the consensus of Muslim scholars, prohibited, except the name of “`Abdul-Muttalib”.

3- A Muslim should not choose names that give an impression of pomposity and vainglory. This is supported by the hadith that reads, “The most detestable name for Allah in the Hereafter is that of a man who calls himself “King of All Kings”, for Allah is the Lord of the Kings.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud, and At-Tirmidhi)

Muslims are also forbidden to name their children after the Finest Names of Allah, such as “Ar-Rahman (the Gracious), Al-Khalik (the Creator), etc.

It is also prohibited to use the Attributes of Allah with a definite article, such as “Al-`Aziz” (the All-Powerful) and “Al-Hakim” (the Most-Wise), as names. But they may be used without a definite article, e.g. “`Aziz” and “Hakim”.

4- It is a commendable thing to call children after the Prophets and righteous people, to keep them in memory, so as to take them as a guide and follow in their footsteps.

The best of such names are the names that show man’s humility before his Lord, as indicated by the hadith that reads, “The best names in Allah’s Sight are `Abdullah and `Abdur-Rahman.” (Reported by Muslim, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi, and Ibn Majah)

The same applies to names that consist of two parts, of which the first “`Abd” and the second is one of the Finest Names of Allah, such as “`Abdul-`Alim”.

5- As for non-Arab names, there is nothing wrong in using them as names, so long as they bear good meanings in their language. Although the early Muslims were purely Arabs living in a pure Arab atmosphere, they found no harm in non-Arab names, as regards men and women. For example, “Mareyah” (the Mother of the Believers) who gave birth to Ibrahim, the son of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was known for her Coptic name.

Also, most of the names of early believers were linguistically names of plants, such as “Talhah”, “Salamah”, “Hanzalah”; names of animals and birds, such as “Asad”, “Saqr”; names of objects and parts of nature, like “Bahr”, “Jabal”; adjectives used as names, like “`Amir”, “Salim”; names of previous Prophets and righteous people, e.g. “Ibrahim” and “Yusuf”.

Thus, a Muslim should take into consideration such restrictions while choosing names for their children.”
As regards the name “Aliza” for a Muslim girl there is no harm in this name as per Islamic rules.
Aliza==The Daughter of Ali (RA).(Ref. http://www.muslim-names.co.uk/index.php?section=13)
If you are still in need of more information, don’t hesitate to contact us. Do keep in touch. May Allah guide us all to the straight path!
Wassalam and Allah Almighty knows best.

SOURCE: IslamiCity

10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Husbands

Think of getting married or are you married?! Here are 10 tips you can use to become  all your wife in a husband and a kid love in a father. peace!

 

happy mulism family

Alhamdullilah, I have been married for almost three years now and I feel that Muslim Marriage is one of the most beautiful gifts that Allah has given to Muslims in this world.

 

However, Muslim Marriage doesn’t come easy right away. Actually, many husbands today have been spoiled by family or their environment or even society and media. This has caused us to lose our manliness and personal striving that our forefathers and great men in the history of Islam had.

Now, as a Muslim Husband in this generation, I know how important and necessary it is for every Muslim Husband to work hard at their marriage in order for this Ummah to be strong again. After all, without the Muslim Family foundation, all other foundations cannot be formed.

I’ve put together some habits as a personal reminder to myself first and hopefully it can benefit Muslim Husbands out there who want to create a blissful marriage. Some ideas presented are from what I’ve read and heard and some are from experience. Take what applies to you and act on it.

So, let’s start…

1. Exercising, Staying Fit and Healthy

Sorry, brothers, you know this was coming. It is important that we stay healthy, exercise and keep fit for our wives and children. Many of us let ourselves go after marriage when it should be the other way around. When we are fit, we can do more for our wives and children. We also feel good that we are a strong contributing member of the Ummah.

My wife told me a story of how she was visiting a Muslim country recently and saw many couples where the wife was still dressed up nicely but the husband had totally let himself go.

I’m not asking everyone to be Arnold Schwarzenegger but to exercise so that when your kids are 12 years old, you can still kick a soccer ball with them. Because of my career in the software industry, I have to especially work hard at it as it is so easy for me to slack off (which I already have on a few occasions).

Doing what you enjoy will also help you stay fit. You don’t have to lift weights to stay in shape. As long as whatever you do helps you maintain a healthy, fit, Islamic lifestyle.

Also, it is imperative to eat a healthy diet. It doesn’t make much sense to work-out and stay fit and indulge in sweets and desserts everyday. Having a sweet tooth my whole life, I have now limited my sweet intake to one day of the week and have noticed positive changes like having more energy.

2. Dress well and with Ihsan (Excellence)

This is something I had to work on as I was never a good dresser when growing up. It doesn’t mean you have to wear rich expensive clothes. It means that your clothes are in good condition and you look presentable.

Muslims in history were known to dress excellently and to take care of their bodies. In the middle ages, Muslim Spain had running water and baths while the rest of Europe hardly washed their bodies.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to wear Musk to smell good.

Prophetic Saying:
Muslim narrated that Abu Sai’d Al-Khudri said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The best type of perfume is Musk.”

Try to buy quality over price or quantity as this is what dressing with Ihsan (Excellence) is about. At the end of the day, your wife will be happy with you and be thinking “MashaAllah.”

3. Read

It is no surprise that the first word revealed from the Quran to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was “Read…” (Surah Alaq 96:1).

I always struggled with reading growing up as I was too preoccupied with TV and video games. Even though I excelled in school, reading was always a chore and I didn’t do a lot of it.

However, as a Muslim Husband, reading is an important skill to have. Not only will it enrich you with more knowledge, it can also help with your communication and conversation skills with your wife and children. You will have much more interesting and important things to say and teach your children too.

Especially in today’s age of changing media and technology, if you are not reading and learning, you will be more susceptible to negative influences around you.

4. Help out around the house – Clean!

Many wives today juggle more daily than ever before. Things like working full-time, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids are all part of her daily regimen. Your wife will be more than happy if you can take some of that load off her.

Washing dishes, vacuuming or other chores around the house should be taken up by you and it should be proactively done. Read: Do them before being asked.

Even the best of creation, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) helped around the house.

Aisha (Ra), the wife of Muhammad (SAW) said: “Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) used to patch his sandals, sew his garment and conduct himself at home as anyone of you does in his house. He was a human being, searching his garment for lice, milking his sheep, and doing his own chores.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi).

5. Read Quran

A Muslim Husband is the leader of a Muslim Family. He needs to be setting the example for his wife and children. That is why it is important he reads the Quran.

Children imitate. If they see their father read Quran, then they will want to read Quran too. Doing this can actually make children look forward to the dreaded Sunday Quran school.

Before marriage, I wasn’t very good at Quran and barely had any surahs memorized. I then worked hard at improving my reading by attending Tajweed classes and memorizing more surahs.

Praying together is a large part of a Muslim household and knowing Quran will help you, the Muslim Husband, to lead your wife and family. The Muslim Husband or Father should strive to lead the members of his house in prayer at least once a day if not more.

6. Be Critical and Analytical – Talk about Ideas

When I was growing up, my mom had put up a sign in a hallway of our house saying: “Small people talk about other people, Average people talk about things, Great people talk about ideas.”

It is important that a Muslim Husband matures beyond self-interest and is able to transcend petty talk about people around him and material things. He needs to start talking about ideas.

It comes back to the fact that the Islamic role of a Muslim Husband in the family is to lead. If all he talks about is how he hates his boss at work or about his new pair of shoes, his family is going to suffer.

Before being married, it was easy for me to slip in to friends and enjoy trivial things like movies and sports, however, I knew that I had to rise above these activities and start reading and learning more about ideas and principles about how our world works. I needed to increase my knowledge.

I didn’t want a superficial marriage and I didn’t want to be a superficial husband. So I stepped out of my comfort zone and took action to grow intellectually. I believe that if you want a successful Muslim Marriage that Allah will shower His blessings on, it has to be about more than food and cars.

7. Take your wife out – Plan stuff

Every wife likes to be taken out, no matter how religious she is. You also don’t have to be rich either to do so.

Going to the park or buying her a new hijab or checking out that new halal restaurant are all fun activities you can enjoy with her.

I know that I sometimes slack off in the planning department. But every time I plan an outing with my wife, our marriage and relationship improves.

My wife and I have one day of the week that we go out together to explore a part of the city we haven’t yet been or we re-visit a favorite place. It is the day of the week that we re-connect and talk about our ideas.

Try it out, I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

8. Act Manly and Confident – Make Decisions

Men today behave less like men than our forefathers did. If you think back to the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him), his companions were all manly men, were confident and had presence.

Basically, Muslim Husbands need to take action in their lives and not sit idly by and let life slip away from you. I used to be very laid back and complacent in my first year of marriage but I realize that this quality is not beneficial in a relationship. When I started to act with confidence and to take action in my life, I began seeing positive changes in both my marriage and my personal life.

It is important to note the difference between confidence and aggression/domination. The former deals with taking positive action in how one carries himself while still maintaining the haqq/rights of those around him. The latter does not focus on the haqq.

A confident Muslim Man, although a leader of his home, also knows and applies the concept of Shurah/consultation. It is important to include your wife and children in any major and minor decisions that will effect everyone.

Be a Muslim Man. Take Action. Be Confident. Your wife will be happy and your marriage will prosper, inshAllah.

9. Balance between Career/Work and Religion

A Muslim Husband must have balance. He should work and strive in his career to provide for his family as it is a haqq/right of the wife to be provided for (even if she chooses to work). He also must understand the fundamentals of his deen/religion. He doesn’t have to be a scholar, but he should at least know the basics.

I remember I was at Eid Prayer a long time ago and I saw a father teaching his son how to pray before the prayer itself. As a leader of the home, a Muslim Husband must know enough about Islam so that he can teach his wife and children. He shouldn’t be doing it at Eid prayer. He should have done it at home already.

If you can, go to a class once a week about your deen and read more about it. There are also vast resources online about this beautiful religion of ours.

Also, a Muslim Husband should strive to be excellent in any work/career that he takes on. Remember that balancing both is difficult to do but can be achieved gradually.

10. Cook and help with meals

OK, this is a contentious issue. Even though shariah doesn’t say that a wife must cook for her husband, she usually does. And, I am thankful that she does!

As a Muslim Husband, you should help with cooking dinners and preparing meals. This will alleviate some of the load off your wife and she will be very thankful you assisted.

You can do this by making a schedule and telling her which days you can help. Believe me, this will also really help your marriage and improve your relationship.

Source:

http://muslimworker.com/2009/03/10-habits-of-highly-effective-muslim-husbands/

The World from the view of a Single Brother

Get a preview of what goes on in the heads of single brothers.. at least some of them 🙂

In a world were sexual culture dominates media (read this CNN article about Sexual Content on TV to Teen Pregnancy), one finds himself surrounded with nothing but stimulus that pushes him to a direction that he knows that it isn’t the right one. This environment coupled with natural urges can put people in weird situations.

So we ask ourselves, what’s the way out of this? How can we resolve such issues and consciously feel good about the solution. And the  obvious answer to the question is “I want to get Married.”

One might ask, is sex the only motive that drives men to get married? And the answer to that is NO of course it’s not the only reason, but indeed its one of the very top ones. This goes for brothers and sisters equally. I must admit though, I don’t know how it feels like being a single sister, but rest assured I know very well how it feels like being a single brother. So here is a point of view that lots of other single brothers share when it comes to pre-marriage issues. I will try to cover three main areas starting with parents of a prospect wife, then the prospect wife, and end with our own insecurities.

Our view about the parents of a prospect wife:

Single brothers fear parents with “very” high expectations. They tend to demand a lot in order to stay within their class values. This issue is the seed for all sort of different problems such as the dowry, the wedding, where are they going to live, etc. Also their very high expectation of the career of the brother who is proposing. Its as I said before, they expect a prince, prophet, nerd, scholar, doctor and engineer, rich, humble… etc which leads us to fear them rather than just trying to build bridges with them.

Many parents also object to the “religiosity” of the brothers. This of course due to the times that we live in nowadays. Not only that, but also due to the fact that they view a religious person to be a dumb, have nothing better to do, uneducated, and poor. This comes with the culture baggage that they brought with them from back home (where ever that maybe).

If you are an immigrant holding a visa (tourist or a student visa) your chances of getting married to a girl from here are slim to none. That is due to the fact that parents fear that they ONLY want to marry their daughter for the “papers”. Though this maybe true in some cases, I object to having this believe as a default of all my immigrant brothers and sisters. Some of them are sincere and really want to marry your daughters for the sake of marrying her not for the papers, or to be more exact, not entirely for the papers.

I remember Shaykh Yasir Qadhi in a ICNA conference in Houston (May of 2007) said that he believes that it is permissible for the father to ask “how much money do you have saved up beta?” question. I can tell you right now, most of us “single brothers” are not well established enough to have saved up big sums of money to show to our inlaws. This is very important because parents tend to forget that the brother might be very comfortable financially in few years, but cant wait to get married for few years.

In my mind, if I were to be asked this question, I would reply back and say, Uncle, when you married your wife, how much money did you have in your account?  Of course that will result to an automatic rejection, but that is besides the point.

There is more to be said about this, but maybe inshaAllah we can elaborate on it in a future post.

Our view about the prospect wife:

I will list the top 10 things single “religious or wana-be religious” brothers look for in their future wife: This doesn’t come from a “scientific survey” but based on the views of a few brothers from different background racially, educationally, religiously.

1- Physical Appearance. Though this was the first point almost all those I surveyed mentioned, some of them said that she has to be “GORGEOUS” and others said, she doesn’t have to be SUPER good looking, yet she has to be good looking enough.

2- Religiosity. This doesn’t only mean that she prays and fasts, but also includes her eagerness to learn her deen and act up on it.

3- She must be attracted to me (She has to like me, intellectually, physically, and every other aspect out there).

4- Manners. This is different that religiosity because she can pray yet disrespect her husband. That includes physical, psychological, or verbal abuse or disrespect. This also includes her treatment to our families specially our mothers.

5- Knows how to cook. I know that some sisters fantasize about having a husband who will cook for them, which by the way guys dont mind every once in a while, but the reality is that rarely when you find a guy who would do it all the time.

A wise lady said one time, the shortest way to a mans heart is his stomach. Just a word of advice for my single and married sisters.

6- Westernized, yet carries the traditional values.

7- Dresses Islamically. This varies from one single brother to the next. Some are cool with loose pants, others are strictly Abayas but the one common ground was Hijab.

8- Know how to support her husband. Unlike most of what my single sisters believe, men too need emotional support. They work all day and come to the house expected to spend time with their wives, listen to them, comfort them, take them out, make them feel all good but who is out there to make the man feels good?! Here is something for you think about.

9- Jealous, but not too jealous. Men always want to feel wanted and needed. A sense of jealousy from his wife gives him the feeling that she wants him. Of course if she is an extreme jealous person, then in this case, a second wife is due. haha joking people dont shoot me.

10- I can carry an intellectual conversation with her without the fear of being penalized for holding certain views. This goes out to my married brothers who told me that they “must” agree with their wives otherwise they usually spend the night on the couch.

Of course the order various from one person to the next and of course this list does not apply to all the single brothers, but I guarantee you that at least 4 out of the 10 will be common in all what the single brothers are looking for in their future wives.

Finally, Our view about our own insecurities:

While I was asking some of the single brothers this question, I got a lot of long faces and no answers. I found out that its very hard for a man to discuss his own insecurities to others (at least to other men).

I guess this is a part of our “macho” mentality that we are not suppose to be weak in public or in front of anybody. This I will say, is one of our biggest insecurities. The fear to be looked down upon from other peers.

Though we wont admit it, single brothers try to impress the sisters by how they look. Single brothers feel very insecure about their weight, and physical appearance in general.

Single brothers fear the comparison to other single brothers when it comes to proposing to sisters. I can tell you countless stories of 2 (or more sometimes depending on the sister) brothers “competing” over a sister.

Assuming that the brother comes from a decent but not rich family, one fear that he wont be able to provide for her as her parents did. Which usually causes some brothers to stay single longer than average.

Finally, single brothers feel so insecure when it comes to understanding their future wives. We hear horror stories from married men (and if you married sisters ask your husbands, they will deny it because they actually want to sleep in peace tonight) about how its almost impossible to understand what women want or need.

Again, there is much more to be said about this topic, but due to the fact that some brothers refused to answer this question (refer to the first insecurity that i mentioned) i wasn’t able to get a comprehensive insight in to what single brothers view as their own insecurities.

To sum all this up, Muslims as a big community should be able to relate to our single brothers needs. If not, more family and social issues will start appearing. Issues such as fornication, depression, girls running away from their families house, Shiyook marrying girls without having wali (guardians), guys taking advantage of innocent girls, and much more. Ask the Shiyok and Psychologists about the cases that they see, I know of stories that are terrifying.

There are a lot of pressure on single brothers out there. Giving the society we live in, we are faced with sexual pressure to the max, add to that financial instability (given that the brother is in still in the beginning of his career), along with his own insecurities, one can conclude that making marriage harder is a lose-lose situation for the brothers and for the future inlaws. That is because the longer the brothers delay their marriage, the longer the sisters will stay single. So both ends will lose on a few years of their lives due to some materialisitic (which will soon be fixed once the brother jump starts his career) issues.

SOURCE

Dear Single and searching brothers! Get real!

This was a woman’s responds to blog post titled “The World from the view of a Single Brother” by br.Haytham on muslimmatters.org . She is actually a mother in her early forties and a into a matchmaking business with her husband.

Dear  & all the single brothers , LISTEN UP!
SubhanAllah, may I ask are you looking for a wife or a car? Reading your post was amusing & angering at the same time.Why? you ask, because I see too many times & believe me I have a fair amount of experience in the matchmaking bussiness,when I come across brothers who are asking us to help them in their wife search I always ready what they’re looking for & for almost half of them I inform my husband that I’m not going to even bother helping.
Reasons: 1. They give specs for age, weight, height, colour & looks. Hello!!! This is a human & not a car you’re buying!! Sorry we don’t have a production factory that can build you a model to suit.
2. Hmm, are you THAT good looking as what you’re asking for? Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder & will you be voted #1 on the next Top 10 Hunks chart?
3. Do you think YOU have all those qualities that you want in a prospective wife to have? ie. be able to hold an intellectual conversation, attracted to her in ALL aspects & likes what she likes?
4. What if she’s more into deen then you? Are you strong enough to be proud of her for it & support her in it?
5. She must be ‘westernised with traditional values’. What does this mean? I have an idea but could be wrong, so plz clarify.
6. Plz brs. do realise that not ALL sisters love to cook even though their mothers might be the best at it. So don’t expect a Martha Stewart in the kitchen unless you’re chef Ramsay
7. Support goes both ways. It’s not a one way street especially if she’s suppose to be some what westenised.
8.Jealousy goes both ways also.
9. Will she be given the same courtesy of not having you angry with her when her views are different from yours during an interlectual conversation? Most times it’s the other way round.As soon as a wife has a view on anything that is different from the husband, if she doesn’t shush up then it leads to an argument = he won’t speak to her for the night or more .
As for humor not all men have them. Sorry to say.
Also how many bros. are willing ot give up their time playing xbox & PSP & hanging out with their Bros. for their wives?
I know of too many bros. whose young wives are waiting for them at home to be with the husbands & talk but he doesn’t come home until fajr. All because they had a game going on & forgot he’ld be back in an hr. Men expect the wives to stop their social life to an extent & give up hanging with their freinds for the most part but don’t reciprocate.
Also don’t look for a sister btwn 16 & 23 when you’re hitting 30. Besides the HUGE age gap generally nowadays it doesn’t work out & there are very different mentalities & expectations. She wants to be romanced & he wants a more mature thinking woman.

So on behalf of all the sisters who only ask for a decent, hard working , caring & understanding man. I ask the single brothers to get back to reality!!!
UmmZainab

Source:

10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Wives

Source-Motoya Nakamura / The Oregonian

After my husband wrote the “10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Husbands,” he thought it would be interesting to add the other perspective.

So, I made a list of 10 habits that my husband has commented on over time that has produced positive changes in our relationship.  He is right, the first year of marriage is really about adapting and compromise.  We are shown our terrible habits (how did our parents put up with us?) and overtime you do fall into a groove.

But, don’t get too comfortable in your routine.  Adding some spice and maintaining some good habits will make a very successful and enjoyable marriage.  Some of these habits are similar to the “Muslim Husband Habits” but, some are just for us, girls.

1.      Stay Healthy and Get Outside!

This is by far the most important habit a Muslim Wife can do to make a successful marriage.   Before marriage, my husband and I were both active people.  He was an extreme biker and I played basketball for almost 10 years before we met.  After marriage and the onset of chores, work and family obligations, time for staying healthy was becoming low on our priority scale.

Over time, we both forgot the initial attraction we had for one another – an active, healthy lifestyle.  An active lifestyle brings many benefits from  clearing the mind from trivial matters to enjoying each other’s company in a different way.

As we have brought the active lifestyle back into our lives, we both realize we learn a lot about each other through activity.  For example, on our hikes we see the other person’s stamina and determination, in playing basketball, we see our competitiveness side, and in our daily walks we see each other’s stillness and appreciation for nature.

It is by far a crucial aspect of our relationship and one that really keeps us connected, alhamdulillah.

2.      Listen and Be Supportive

One of the best things a Muslim Wife can do for her husband is be supportive.  We all know the famous story of our Beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him; after receiving revelation, he came straight home to his nurturing wife, Sayyidina Khadija, may Allah be pleased with her.  She wasn’t on the phone with her girlfriend nor was she too busy on the computer, she was ready to comfort and listen.

For me, this starts as soon as your husband comes home through the door.  Greeting your husband with a salaam, a smile and a hug is sure to set a peaceful atmosphere right away.

A Muslim Wife is attentive to her husband’s needs.  If he is holding something in his hands, like groceries, take them from him, hand him a glass of juice or have some fruit or snacks readily available.  These small gestures show simple kindness and goes a long way.

If your husband had a hard day at work, the initial greeting will soothe him.  Thereafter, if he needs to vent about his boss or co-worker, listen to him.  A good listener asks questions, makes good eye contact and reassures with nods and affection.  Initially, take his side!  If things are said that you don’t agree with, wait until a better time to give advice.  The first initial response he is looking for is support and kindness from his wife, even if he is wrong.  Thereafter, of course you can give advice and guide.

Another tip – remember names of people your husband says.  A week later after the work problem is over, simply ask your husband, “Is everything okay with Michael, now?” He will be happy that you really listened by remembering names.

So, lend a good ear and your hearts will come closer together.

3.      Be Creative – Change is Good!

We like to change things around in our apartment every season.  This is as simple as changing the furniture into a different position, changing hanging pictures or de-cluttering old knick knacks.

Over time, my husband and I have become minimalists.  We like the clean counter-tops, things put away in drawers and cupboards, and we have a new distaste for random objects.  So, we minimize every season by giving away clothes, dishes and books.

We also change our “usual” eating spots at the table and seating in the living room.  We change our chores around too.  I usually cook and he washes the dishes, but lately we have been cooking together and then sharing the dishes too (I soap while he rinses).

We have about four or five home-cooked meals that we both enjoy and we basically just rotate them week to week.  But, after a while we add a new dish to the mix.  I’ll learn something new from mom or a girl friend and surprise him with it one night.

Small changes creates new growth and stimulation to your relationship without falling into boredom and we always feel like “we’ve just moved in” every time we change things around.

4.      Engage in Good Conversation – Learn New Things

Engaging in meaningful dialogue that does not consist of talking about family, friends or every day matters can boost your marriage.

Very easily we can fall into talking about what’s happening in our lives right now, which is fine and needed.  However, your relationship truly grows and tests new boundaries when you learn new things and share them with your spouse.

My husband shares new things he is always learning from blogging, marketing and computer stuff.  To be honest, this is foreign to me.  But, it is something that he is motivated by and by listening to him I have learned a lot of interesting things about it (and he has convinced me to write this article for example, lol.)

It’s nice to talk about the books or articles I’ve read and thought about with my husband so I can gain his perspective, learn about him and enrich my own.  At times, when we disagree on a topic, our persuasive strategies kick in, allowing for a good debate.

When other temporary things fall away that make you happy – a good conversation can last a life-time.

5.      Be Alive and Excited about Life

Do you remember the first time you met your husband?  Probably one of those awkward meetings or something.  But, I remember both of us being alive and happy.  We tried to look our best and be interesting too.  I don’t remember either of us letting all of our problems out!

I’ve met a few sisters in the last little while that exude a certain kind of sadness or worry or fear that they don’t even realize that they exude.  They actually walk around with a frown!

They might have a problem or concern that of course makes them look and feel a certain way, but over time if the sad state continues it can really dampen the best of relationships.

Yes, the honeymoon phase (they say it’s the two year mark) can reach it’s end – but it doesn’t have to!  If you find yourself bored and sad, then it is really up to you to make a change in the relationship.  If you are seriously upset about something, then seek help!

There are so many things to be excited and alive about in the world!  You might need a change in your circle of friends (who really do have a big influence on how you see and do things) or you might need a new hobby or need to get outside and get fresh air on a regular basis.

Being energetic and happy and willing to try new things with your husband is an important aspect of marriage.  Being grumpy and unmotivated can lead to a whole bunch of problems for both of you.  Find a new friend or a new hobby or a new book and get excited about life.  Your husband will notice the energy and cheerfulness in you and you could change the atmosphere of your home and relationship just by changing your mood.

6.      Have One Good Girl Friend (Or Mom) – Share your Problems with Grace

There are some things that you just need to tell a girl friend because she will just understand and some things you can only tell your husband and it is important to know the difference.

It is very easy to get so comfortable with our husbands that we share some  things with them that they really could be spared.  There is a certain kind of respect and dignity a husband needs to have.  And, sisters, there is a certain level of respect and dignity he also has for you, too.

I have seen too many times, sisters complaining about other sisters, their clothes or their characters to their husbands.  Please don’t do this!  Sharing secrets or worse the flaws of other sisters to your husbands is a big no-no, especially if the sister confided in you.  Even though you and your husband are a pair, your sister friend should not feel that everything she tells you is going straight to the husband!

This is not only gossip and forbidden in Islam, but boring and undignified to your husband.  Instead, having a good girl friend or even your mom or someone else you trust provides an excellent outlet to let out frustrations that can dampen a marriage or a husband’s mood or respect for you.

In the same vein, sisters should not tell other sisters their husband’s secrets!  It’s okay to seek advice but not in a way that can make your husband lose respect in front of your friend.

Your husband can be your best friend and will be with you to the very end, inshaAllah.  It is not worth it to lose your husband and what matters to him over a friend who no matter how close they are, can end up not being there for you in the end.

7.      Dress Up and Smell Good – Take Care of Your Outward and Inward Appearance

Finally, after years of searching for the “one” you are married!  You look into the face of your spouse and you think, “so it was you” that I was meant to marry.  And, the marriage chapter of your life begins.

Marriage is “half our deen” and now that there is this one man in your life, this is your chance to make it everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  And one fun thing a Muslim Wife can do is simply dress up and smell good.

I always think it’s interesting that sisters (and brothers) can be “frumpy” in their homes but as soon as they step out of the door they dress up and go all out.  Very often we dress up for the world (strangers who we don’t know or at our workplace) and sometimes we just let ourselves go in front of  family and our spouses.

I think it’s great that couples get so comfortable with each other that they can stay in their pajamas all day.  But, sisters, simply dressing up and smelling good can really uplift your husband’s appreciation of you and may make him dress up and smell good for you too.

If you are a stay-at-home sister/mom, yeah you can stay in your pajamas all day – but if you know your husband is coming home at 5:30, then change into something nice and put on some perfume at 5:00!

Taking care of personal hygiene and working on yourself inwardly is sure to add to your overall character.  Reading Quran, catching up on a Islamic lecture, praying and making heartfelt dua’a all add to the beauty of you.

So, strike a balance between the outward and the inward appearance of you and watch the positive benefits come into your marriage and family.

8.      Be Affectionate – Don’t Hold Back Your Love

I think culturally, many sisters can bring a lot of baggage to their marriages and it is not our fault because it’s the way we’ve all grown up.

Some of us have been too immersed in Western culture and seen all the movies that we have expectations of our husbands to act a certain way or we are the complete opposite where we have been so sheltered that marriage and the thought of living with a boy (when you are married) is strange and almost – wrong!

And, it is strange.  All of our lives, sisters grow up in the homes of parents only to leave them (quite suddenly) to live with a complete stranger (most people only know each other for a short while before they get married.)

But, the truth of the matter is that marriage is a noble sunnah that is one of the most beautiful aspects of our deen.  And, one of the best things a Muslim Wife can do is to be affectionate, even if it has to be learned over time.  This is your husband now.  The one man that you married and will be married to for ever, inshaAllah.  Be affectionate with your husband, whatever that means to you, and the affection will lead to a closer and more connected relationship.

Human touch, whether it be holding hands or a hug, leads to Mercy (Rahma) in relationships whether it is with your husband, sister friends or even your parents.  So, be affectionate often and reap the benefits.

9.      Go the Extra Mile – He’ll Notice (Hopefully)

Going the extra mile means doing something for your husband that goes above and beyond what he expects of you.

If he asked you to make a meal for his family, it means you go all out and make the dishes with care and effort.

If you are going out for a special day, it means you take time to find the right outfit and perhaps wear it a bit differently than he is used to.  It could mean sending him a random text message to say you are thinking of him or a random e-card.

It could mean spending extra time listening to him talk to you about his concerns without you changing the subject.  It could mean baking home-made cookies, inviting him on a special day you have planned, making him a gift or cleaning his desk space.

It could mean wearing earrings if you normally don’t at home, or giving him free time to work-out or for his hobby, or even helping him get ready in the morning with a packed lunch with a nice note inside.

The ideas are endless and with a bit of extra time and effort, your husband will appreciate the little details you’ve paid attention to, inshaAllah.

10. Say “Thank You” – Be Grateful for Small and Big Things

One of the hadiths that scare me to death is the one that says, “The majority of hell is made up of women who were ungrateful to their husbands.” Yikes!

So, say thank you every night to your husband before you go to sleep for anything and everything that he has done for you.  Don’t overlook things you have got used to like him buying groceries, helping out with dishes, listening to your problems or simply going to work everyday.

Remember the big things and the small things and soon all small things will turn into big things for you, inshaAllah.

Thank him sincerely: “Thank you for helping with the dishes because it really cuts the time out I have to spend in the kitchen.” Rather than simply saying thank you, explain yourself to him and tell him why it’s important to you and that you noticed.

He will feel happy that he could help and may make him feel like doing it even more for you!  Most importantly, give thanks to Allah, most Generous, and He will increase your marriage even more, inshaAllah.

Parting Thoughts

This list is a reminder first to myself before I send them to you.  All of these are from experience of being married for almost three years now.  You may agree or disagree, but these are just some things that have helped the both of us over time.

And, we are always learning and growing and making mistakes, alhamdulillah, it’s all part of the journey.  Feel free to share more insight or your own tips with us in the comments below.

InshaAllah, may Allah pour blessing upon blessing into all our marriages!  Ameen!

SOURCE:

Coping with a Co-Wife

these are models...just an image i felt could depict the topic 🙂

There is a hadith that says that The Prophet (saw) said:

No man loves another for Allah’s sake without his Lord who is Great and Glorious honoring him (Ahmed)

And

The action dearest to Allah Most High is love for Allah’s sake and hatred for Allah’s sake.

It is natural for a first wife to have uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings towards her husband’s second wife. Likewise the most obvious focus of a first wife’s anger is towards the second wife. The first wife should try her utmost to control these feelings whenever they come.  She should attempt to treat the second wife as any other sister, with kindness.  Allah the Almighty knows how difficult these simple acts can be.  However, when we think about the hadith that says that one of the categories of people that will be under Allah’s shade on the Day of Judgement is the one who loves someone only for the sake of Allah, we have a great incentive to struggle our hardest in this effort.  On a day when some people will be sweating up to their necks, we might be in the pleasure of our Lord’s shade.

The above-mentioned hadith are so important to remember.  Our sole reason for being here is to please Allah.  All of our words and bodily actions should be for Allah.  We say this several times a day during tashahood. We should try to disregard our emotional feelings and force ourselves to act according to the way that Allah would want us to.   This includes treating those we many have problems with in the best way in spite of our disagreements.  We should swallow hard and push ourselves to give all of our brothers and sisters their rights.

Giving salaams when we would rather not, smiling when we prefer to scowl, are all ways of showing love for someone only for the pleasure of Allah.  These situations put us in a position where we know in our heart that our actions are solely to please our Lord.  We are truly doing it only for Allah.

Of course none of us is perfect.  Sometimes we fall short of what Allah might demand of us.  When this happens we should follow up our bad deeds with good deeds.  If we utter something we should not say or do something we should not do, it would be good to send over a gift or some food. On the authority of Muaadh bin Jabal The Prophet said:

“Fear Allah wherever you are, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed—and it will wipe it out.  And behave well towards people.”

Make dua for the sister.  When this is done, the angels make the same dua’ for us. We should attempt to increase our good deeds in general. We can write letters or notes asking for forgiveness for transgressions we may have done that were wrong.  We never know when Allah may take us back to Him. On the Day of Judgment we will be happy we tried our best to do these things, insha’Allah.

One hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said:

Reviling a Muslim is disobedience, to fight him is infidelity.

We are all human.  But we are Muslim humans.  The difference between the disbelievers and us is that we submit our wills to Allah.  Bickering and the like should be avoided to the best of our abilities.  It may not always be the first wife who instigates problems, though.  Sometimes it might be the second.  One hadith says:

When two men revile one another, what the say is laid to the charge of the one who began it, so long as the one who is wronged does not go over the score. (Muslim)

Allah says in the Quran, retaliate equally, but forgiveness is better.  Retaliation for wrongdoing is allowed in Islam so long as we don’t go beyond the original harm done to us.  However, being able to forgive is best of all and Allah knows best.

The prophet (saw) used to say according to a hadith:

Oh Allah I seek refuge in You from objectionable character, deeds, passions and disease. (Tirmidhi)

Some sisters feel less of a good Muslim because they see other co-wives who seem to get along together better than they.  But perceptions can sometimes be deceiving.  There have been times when people have complimented me on how well my husband’s second wife and I got along. They were unaware of the difficulties we experienced in privacy. You may sincerely be doing the best you can. That’s all a person can do.  May Allah help us all to please Him more.  I personally do believe that the perception of the two sisters getting along can possibly be a good sign.  It might be an indication that the wife is trying her utmost to please Allah, and in spite of her struggles with her lower desires, she is still able to strive in Allah’s path and function in an Islamic manner.  Any sister who can interact amicably with the second wife, be it in public or private, should look at it as a blessing from her Lord.

Because of the resentment the first wife may have towards the second for marrying her husband, she might sometimes seek out reasons to argue with the second wife.   Much of this may be subconscious.  But a large amount may be quite conscious.  Restraint and patience is necessary in dealing with these feelings, because once you get started down this road, the situation can escalate to become unIslamic.  And once you do one thing inappropriate, it becomes easier to do others. Seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan, make dua for Allah to help you to control yourself and have patience.

Because of the highly delicate situation between the first and second wives, the manner of solving problems may have to take on unusual approaches.  Some wives don’t have a compatible relationship where they are able to solve problems among themselves.  Any opportunity to problem resolution is bound to end up in harsh words.  Resolutions through husbands or a third party may be best for these wives.  For instance, if the first wife has a problem with the way the other sister treats the first wife’s children, rather than confront the other sister she can inform her husband of the problem and ask him to solve it.

Also, it might be a wise idea to disallow calls to one another’s home.  Phone calls are often made in feigned need but are really expressions of resentment and are intended to make trouble.  Many times calls are made to anger the other parties or to interrupt activities or the serenity of the other household.  A third party that can honestly be trusted could be used as an intercessor that can convey from one household to another of any serious emergencies.  Most issues I have found can really wait.  For instance if the stove or refrigerator stops working at night, the problem could be discussed with the husband the following day when he comes to your home or goes to work. Now that cell phones are in vogue, they can be used to help in these types of situations.  The husband can turn his phone mode to “message only” when he’s at either home and check it for messages.

Of course wives may use their husbands to get back at one another, too.  They may “tell” on the other wife to get on the better side of the husband.  There certainly are no clear-cut answers as to how to resolve problems among co-wives.  One can only fear Allah and act to the best of one’s abilities.  If all of this sounds a bit childish and immature then be advised–Polygamy is a situation that can bring out feelings and behaviors in a first wife that she never thought she had.  Jealousy, anger, pain and hurt are emotions that block reason, promote insecurity, and open the door to Shaitan.  This is all part of the trial of polygamy.  The Prophet’s (saw) wives experienced jealousy between themselves.  There’s even a hadith where Ali, The Prophet’s son-in-law was contemplating marriage to Abu Jahl’s daughter while he was still married to Fatimah, The Prophet’s (saw) daughter.  The Prophet said that Fatimah and Abu Jahl’s daughter could not be married to Ali at the same time.  He stated that what hurts Fatimah hurts him and he didn’t want her trialed in her religion. (Bukhari.)  I was informed that the scholars differ as to the understanding of this hadith but that one of the understandings was that The Prophet  (saw) did not want Fatimah to be trialed in her religion with jealousy from polygamy.

The issue of jealousy is an interesting one to address because the husband plays such a crucial part in this area.  A wife cannot really force her husband to be fair.  And most women are uncomfortable with complaining to an elder relative or leader of the community to get their rights, although if the situation is serious enough, that may be her only recourse.  The areas where a wife can become jealous are innumerable.  They can range from the amount of extra time—even minutes—that the husband spends with the other wife to gifts, groceries, or type of home and furnishings.  Even his demeanor with the other wife can become a source of jealousy. The list can go on and on.

Jealousies over what Allah may have bestowed upon one and not on the other come in to play as well.  A hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said look at the one below you not above you so that you will be thankful for Allah’s favors on you.  Certainly there may be some characteristics that the other wife may have that the first wife will desire to have.  If you contemplate the issue, however, there are sure to be things that you have that the other lacks.  Physical appearance is just one focus of mutual jealousies, but think about other assets Allah may have blessed you with.  Temperament, cooking abilities, crafts, mental talents, education, child rearing and many other skills and qualities are areas you may be more blessed in than the other sister.  In the end, though, the most important quality to be thankful for is your level of faith, which manifests itself through your deeds.

To the best of your ability try not to be suspicious.  There is a hadith where The Prophet (saw) said avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the most lying form of talk (Bukhari, Muslim).  It is best to take the best conjecture and assume there is a reasonable excuse for your husband’s behavior.  Questioning your husband may be the inevitable recourse to allay your concerns and fears of unfairness.  Tactfulness and proper timing are highly suggested.  Most husbands, I would imagine truly fear Allah and don’t want any problems between their wives.  For these reasons most husbands try to be fair.  There may be times when he falls short of his duty.  The wife can handle this in a number of ways.  She may choose to discuss her observations with her husband, or she may decide to overlook it with the hope of receiving Allah’s reward.  The severity of the circumstances may dictate a sister’s actions.  I will say that sometimes if problems are left unsettled and not discussed, they can build to a crescendo to where the sister may be inclined to express herself in an inappropriate manner.

The two sisters themselves should certainly avoid doing things that would arouse jealousy in the other.  The temptation to retaliate is quite strong.  And after all, there are enough naturally occurring problems in polygamy, creating them is a waste of energy and blessings.

Jealousy, anger, anguish and pain are all feelings that a first wife in polygamy is likely to feel.  Whenever you feel these uncomfortable emotions remember, your sins are being forgiven, insha’Allah.  Allah tests those he loves in this life so that they will have paradise in the hereafter.

You may find that your relationship with your co-wife may have ups and downs as with many other personal relationships.  For months you may manage to get along well, other times you may not be on the best of terms.  All of this is part of the trial of polygamy.

Personally I have come to the conclusion that it is best for me to be on “salaams” terms and that is it.  I have no other interaction with the sister beyond that.  I have found that it closes the door to any opportunity where I might say what I should not say or do what I should not do.

When trying to deal with and interact with the other wife it may help to try to see the person as a whole with weaknesses, pain, vulnerabilities, having a mother and father and the like.  Too often first wives focus on only one aspect of the second wife. They see them only as the woman who married their husband.  I personally have a problem in this area.

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One Critical Mistake A Single Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage

A while ago, a father came to me for help with finding a potential husband for his daughter. So, I asked him to share her marriage resume with me.

A couple of days later, her father brought me a marriage resume.  After looking through her marriage resume, which was quite long, I told the father:

“I thought you wanted me to look for a potential husband for your daughter, not a job!”

What she described in all those pages could be summarized in two letters: MD.

So, how did she really need to describe herself?

That’s the focus of this article, and that’s just one of the three critical mistakes Sister Megan Wyatt and I shared with everyone very recently in this webinar.

From my years of teaching on the topic of love and marriage, and counseling singles, married couples, and their parents, I can tell you this:

By knowing about this one critical mistake, you will, in sha Allah, learn how to speak about yourself in a way that attracts the kind of brother you are searching for, allows you to keep at bay the brothers you do not want knocking on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the very kind of person you are seeking.

Now, let’s get into the details of that one mistake.

When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to do the following:

“Describe yourself in a few sentences so I could in turn describe you to a brother who I think may be a potential suitor.”

Almost every sister told her what she does not want in a marriage; the kind of brother she does not want to meet. Hardly anyone actually answered the question. The few sisters who did answer gave short, one-liner responses.

The realization was this: many sisters have no idea how to present themselves.

You may be trying to get married in a way that worked in the past, while you are not like the women of the past.

Sixty to seventy years ago, even in this country, a woman’s role in marriage was clear.

Today, at the age of 19 or 20, most Muslim women expect to complete at a minimum a college degree before getting married.

Along with that degree, there is the question of whether or not you want a career, or perhaps just to dabble in the workforce for some time. Do you want to pursue grad school, and if so, who will take care of the kids, if you have any?

We are looking at this without judgment — however, there is something essential to be understood:

The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, in sha Allah.

And we have also learned that many of you want to do just that: get married, and eventually, be there for your family and children in a more “traditional” role.

Now, many brothers are willing to be flexible to a point, but if you ask most of them their preference, this is what they want…

…leading us to that critical mistake:

Not knowing how to describe yourself for marriage.

What happens when the first thing you say about yourself, or your friend says about you is:

“She is 26 years old, and has a degree in chemistry, and she is currently in grad school.” Or, “…is working in a lab called xyz.”

From the brother’s perspective, he hears a description that says little (or nothing) about what he is looking for in a wife, aside from “educated.”

Let’s take another example:

“She is strong and active in Da’wah, is working on memorizing the Qur’an, has a degree in journalism, and teaches in her local Sunday school.”

Again, excellent qualities. It says a bit more about you, but still, for a brother: what is it that he is seeking?

The difficult reality is that brothers are looking for specific qualities, and when they hear them, it alerts them that this is the kind of sister worth considering.

But what happens if no one is describing you in a way, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?

The idea of sitting around and waiting for others to find you someone is an option, but it is not necessarily the most proven option, especially these days.

Many brothers are asking other sisters to help them find a wife, because their families may be abroad, or their parents don’t share the same kind of values as them in terms of the deen.

The fact is that today both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse on their own, which means that you may need to learn how to represent yourself to some degree — to explain who you are, and what you want in a husband.

So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, while also telling him about me in a way that interests him?

So many sisters write about themselves as if they are looking for a pen pal! Seriously.

We sifted through the marriage resumes and bio-data of many sisters that we found online. (That’s another point altogether — having full access to a sister’s photo and her details available to complete strangers, without even having to log in!)

Let’s share two examples:

“I currently work as a Respiratory Practitioner and I intend on pursuing my Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. My hobbies include spending time with family and friends, taking road trips, and traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine! I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.”

“My sister is 26 years old. She is a graduate of ABC University. Currently she is working as a chemist in a big name company. She is a great person with an open mind and a great heart. I am so glad that Allah (swt) blessed me with such a great sibiling. I love her and inshallah if you choose her you will know why she is so great. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with a great smile. She is not a TV person. She is independent. We are 2 brothers and 2 sisters. XYZ is no. 3 in our little family. I am the older, married sister and I want to help my sister also get married so she can enjoy life like I am doing.”

We got bored reading through these. If we were searching for our own brother, we would think: “Forget this! Everyone sounds the same. Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are a nice and caring person.”

So, what makes those two examples bad?

Reading through thousands of ads like that, here are just a few qualities that we found common in all of them:

• Vague
• Too long (too many details)
• Not to the point
• Confused or overconfident
• Too personal
• Too professional
• Too flirtatious
• Too good to be true
• Too girlish
• Too picky (race, culture, qualities etc.)
• Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
• Suspicious

On the other hand, what are the qualities that are common in good descriptions or marriage resumes?

• Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
• Balanced in personality and professionalism
• Family first
• To the point
• Very clear language (Accurate spelling and good choice of words)
• Natural flow of thoughts

If you’re serious about really getting this concept, we’d like you do a quick exercise (without anyone’s help, just by yourself).

First part of the exercise (three questions):

1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.

2) Write down 3-5 sentences about what kind of man you are looking for.

3) Write in only one sentence what you will not consider in a man.

It is important that you know how to speak about yourself confidently.  It is not humility to be unable to describe yourself, and just smile and fumble over words.

Oftentimes, when we think we are acting humbly we are actually attempting to hide our lack of self-esteem and lack of recognition of the qualities that Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has given us to share with others.

Remember: you are not going around praising yourself; you are describing yourself for marriage. Think about it.

Now, for the second part of the exercise:

Go back and re-read your answers and ask yourself the following:

1) How true are the things I just wrote down? Is this really me? Is this how my friends and family would describe me?

2) What have I said that would be interesting to the kind of brother I am looking to meet?

As you think about the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you would choose, you will find that you may have some of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will like and you may have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will not like.

Being too personal is not a good idea.  Same is true for being too professional.

Whatever the case is, the keyword you need to remember is: “balance.”

Here is the key concept, the bottom line: Learn how to speak about yourself, learn how to describe yourself in a way that allows you to be confident, and beautiful in your modesty, that will connect with the words and thoughts in the mind of your Mr. Right.

Think about how you want to present yourself — the qualities you want to highlight which matter a lot to him, not what makes you fall in love with your own self!

After all, you are looking for a husband, someone from the opposite gender (not a female friend or a buddy).

Just a side note: if you do use a picture in a marriage resume (with permission from your wali!), please do not try to look like America’s next top hijabi model like the ones you see online, and particularly on the infamous Facebook.  Too many sisters try puckering their lips, looking over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. which turns off the kind of practicing man you are really seeking.

So, stick to a photo that has hayaa in the image; something normal and natural.

While you are searching for your Mr. Right, remember that in these moments there must be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we are to believe that there is an advantage to every situation in which we find ourselves.

Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself:

“I’m not married, although I’ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?”

We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, first and foremost, because Allah loves those who have patience, and He is close to those who have sabr.

We ask Allah to bring into your life the kind of husband you are searching for, and to allow your journey from start to finish to be a means of growing closer to Allah, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels of eman.

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