Marriage: Purpose and Obligation

<Are you of age to get married? or do you fit into the category refer to by the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) when he said :”Whoever is able to marry, should marry”. (Bukhari) ? Okay.. how much do you know about marriage and its obligations? Here is a good intro to the institution called marriage for both parent and intending couples. Enjoy!!>> An addition to our wedding 2 marriage series>

Definition of Marriage

Nikah is an Arabic term used for marriage. It means “contract” (“aqd in Arabic). The Quran specifically refers to marriage as “mithaqun ghalithun,” which means “a strong covenant”.

“…and they have taken a strong pledge (mithaqun ghalithun) from you?” (Quran 4:21)

The seriousness of this covenant becomes obvious when one finds the same tern i.e., Mithaqun Ghalithun, being used for the covenant made between Allah and the Prophet before granting them the responsibility of the Prophethood. (Quran 33:7)

The Quran also uses the Arabic word “Hisn” suggesting “fortress” for marriage. Marriage is considered the fortress of chastity.

The Purpose of Marriage

As a meaningful institution, marriage has two main purposes:

• To ensure preservation of the human species and continuation of the human race,

“O mankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them has spread abroad a multitude of men and women” (Quran: 4:1)

• To provide spiritual and legal foundation of the family,

“And of His Signs is this: He created for you mates from yourself that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, therein indeed are portents for folk who reflect”. (Quran 30:21)

Through Marriage, the conjugal relationship between a man and a woman becomes lawful. It provides a legitimate outlet for recreation as well as procreation. Islam regards sex as natural and good, but restricts it to the partners of marriage so as to ensure the responsibility for its consequences.

“Your women are a tilth for you so go to your tilth as you will, and send (good deeds) before you for your souls, and fear Allah, and know that you will (one day) meet him. Give glad tidings to believers, (O Muhammad).” (Quran 2:223)

Marriage provides spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological companionship. This companionship generates and sustains love, kindness, compassion, mutual confidence, solace and succor (sakinah). It lays a spiritual and legal foundation for raising a family. The children born of the matrimonial union become legitimate and mutual rights of inheritance are established.

Marriage: A Religious Requirement

• Marriage in Islam is recommended as a religious requirement.

“Marry those among you who are single and (marry) your slaves, male and female, that are righteous” (Quran 24:32)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) declared:

“When the servant of Allah marries, he has fulfilled half the (responsibilities laid on him by the) faith; so let him be God conscious with respect to the other half”. (Mishkat)

• Marriage has also been commended as the way of the prophets.

“We indeed sent messengers before you (O Muhammad), and We assigned them wives and children”. (Quran 13:38)

Marriage, in fact, is specifically considered the tradition (sunnah) of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) when he declared:

“Marriage is my Sunnah, whoever disregards my (sunnah) path is not from among us”. (ibn Majah)

• Islam discourages celibacy and encourages marriage, as Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended:

“Whoever is able to marry, should marry”. (Bukhari)

What Are The Benefits Of Marriage?

Fulfillment of deen (the full practice of religion) is accomplished through marriage. In Islam, we recognize that marriage is the state to which we aspire – a situation that supports, in every aspect, our attainment of the state that will please our Creator. To fulfill the role Allah (SWT) designed specifically for us, marriage is important. It is through marriage that these roles are fulfilled. Anas bin Malik reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said,

• “When a man marries, he indeed perfects half of his religion. Then he should fear Allah for the remaining half.”

(Bukhari)

• For women, marriage provides support and protection,

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard” (Ali Imran:34-36).

• Satisfying sexual desires/needs may only be accomplished through marriage. As Muslims, we understand that sex outside of marriage is forbidden and considered a major sin. Therefore, sexual desires may only be satisfied within a marriage. Marriage provides protection from sin,

“They (wives) are like garments for you, and you are like garments for them” (Al Baqarah:187).

• Marriage provides companionship,

“…the companion by your side (the wife).” (Al Nisaa:36)

For Muslims, it is clear that the trend to delay or skip marriage is prohibited, and with good reason. Marriage still remains the trend in Muslim communities. This provides for the safety and security of women and children. It provides a safeguard against sexual sin for the man as well as for the woman. It provides two-parent homes for children and strong ethics that will support a lifestyle that is consistent with the practice of Islam. It provides loving and kind companionship. This is the way of Muslims.

Islam provides clear and ideal direction for all aspects of life. This is a perfect example of those directions. The religion tells Muslims to marry early. It provides clear guidelines for husbands and wives and, as they become parents, for parenting and for the behaviour of children. There is no guesswork in the process.

SOURCE: http://islamic-world.net/sister/purpose_and_obligation.htm

related reading:

• 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse: An Islamic Perspective
• How to Help Muslims Get Married: Tips for Parents and Imams
• other series on our  wedding 2 marriage series

How to Help Muslims Get Married: Tips for Parents and imams

Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes.

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Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world. According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent. The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.

Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.

But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began. Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:

The older woman noticed her instantly.

The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin. As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion. The woman rushed up.

“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.

“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.

“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend. “But, but why,” she stammered.

“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”

(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed)

While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter. If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.

1. Understand your role.

Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:

1. Suggest individuals as prospective spouses.
   1. Thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references.
   2. Act as the third party between the two candidates.

2. Talk to your kids about what you both want.

Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.

Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable. Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.

Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.

3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate.

Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates. Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and a woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.

Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.

Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together,both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions.One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.

4. Give an allotted time for the meeting.

Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.

5. Investigate thoroughly.

One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.

Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.

The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.

Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.

One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.

6. Be honest.

Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.

Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.

7. Take your time.

Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.

Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.

8. Never be pushy.

Another true story

A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.

Why?

Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.

This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.

Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.

Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.

Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?

HOW IMAMS CAN HELP:

Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well.

So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.

1. Being a guardian for sisters.

Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.

This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.

Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.

2. Vouching for good brothers.

An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.

3. Providing the right information.

The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.

As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.

4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting).

While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule. As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.

If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.

Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.

Selecting Marriage Partner

Marriage is recommended for partners who share a common way of life. The matrimonial partners should be able to fulfill their purpose of creation as defined by Allah. They should be able to effectively carry out their responsibility as care-takers (khalifah) of earth. They should share the common goal of building a well integrated Muslim community and be able to work harmoniously towards it.

Criteria for Selecting a Marriage Partner

Normally the criteria for selecting matrimonial mates are many: wealth, beauty, rank, character, congeniality, compatibility, religion, etc. The Quran enjoins Muslims to select partners who are good and pure (tayyib)

“Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity.” (Quran 24:26)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (din) and character.

“A man may married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper”. (Bukhari and Muslim)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) assured the bounty of Allah to those who wish to get married and live a pure and clean life.

“Three groups of people Allah obliged Himself to help them: Mujahid in the cause of Allah, a worker to pay his debt, and the one who wants to marry to live a chaste life.” (Tirmidhi)

Freedom to Choose a Marriage Partner

Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married. The mutual choice of the would-be-spouses is given the highest consideration:

“Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner.” (Quran 2:232)

The process of mate selection should be a function of a healthy balance between the freedom of choice of the would-be-spouses and consideration of the influence and consent of the parents/guardians.

The freedom of choice of those who wish to get married should not preclude the influence and consent of the parents/guardians nor should the parents/guardians ignore the wishes and consent of the would be spouses.

Falling in love is not a pre-condition for marriage in Islam. However, for the purpose of selecting an appropriate mate, the would-be- spouses are allowed to see and/or talk to each other.

Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended:

“When one of you seeks a woman in marriage, and then if he is able to have a look at whom he wishes to marry, let him do so”. (Abu Dawood)

The would-be-spouse are allowed to see each other for matrimonial purposes under the direct supervision of their mahram relatives. This provision is expected to be conceived and executed with piety and modesty.

Prophet Muhammad (S) instructed:

“No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram”. (Ahmad)

The would-be-spouses residing in non-Muslim societies are recommended to enter into a pre-nuptial commitment to safeguard Islamic values and Muslim personal law.

culled from SOURCE: http://islamic-world.net/sister/purpose_and_obligation.htm

Basic commitment of a muslim

As-Salamu `alaykum,

Muslims, as individuals and groups, have to fulfill certain basic duties which summarize the universal values of Islam. When these duties are observed they bring justice, peace and happiness in this world and they will indeed bring success and salvation in the Hereafter.

Surat al-Isra’ was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) in Makkah after his Night Journey from Makkah to Jerusalem. In this surah Allah mentions some basic commitments of Muslims. Without fulfilling these commitments no individual or group can succeed. Muslims have to live by these values and should invite the humanity to these principles. These principles are not limited to one race, tribe or group; they are universal in their scope and application. These are also called the Hikmah or the teachings of wisdom. It is wise for every one to follow them. If followed properly they are capable to increase the goodness and wisdom of all people. These principles are:

1. To worship Allah alone: This means to recognize Allah as the ultimate reality and to recognize Allah as the Lord, to worship Him with all sincerity and to submit to Him in every aspect of life. A Muslim’s life is nothing but total commitment to Allah. We are not only monotheists (people of Tawhid) but we are also theocentric people. Allah is the center of our life and He is our total and ultimate concern.

2. To be respectful and kind to the parents: This is to acknowledge the compassion and kindness of the parents, to be grateful to them and to do one’s utmost to reciprocate that love and compassion. Filial piety and devotion is the second most important commitment of Muslims. Respect and kindness to parents is not just a social duty for us; it is our religious duty and obligation.

3. To be good to your relatives, to the poor and the travelers: This is to remember that we are interconnected in this world. Our responsibilities are not only towards ourselves and our immediate families, but also to other relatives and to the society at large. We are all in need of each other and we are all fellow travelers in this path of life. We must see what we can do for others. Muslims must live a socially responsible life. Social responsibility begins with the family, other relatives and it includes all those who are in need.

4. To be careful with your money and not to waste your resources: One should be neither too tight with one’s money nor too lose with it. Extravagance is not right, but also one should not become stingy and miserly. A Muslim is committed to the balanced life style. Money should be earned in Halal (lawful) ways and it should be spent in the right manner. This principle can be applied to all resources that Allah has given us. Wise and conscientious use of resources is a very important commitment of Muslims.

5. To take good care of your children: As we recognize the rights of the parents, we should also recognize the rights of children. Our children are our future. We must see that we raise healthy, intelligent and morally responsible children. Our commitment should be to raise them in safe and healthy environment. We must protect their life as well as their sprit and mind, their morals and manners.

6. To steer clear of adultery and illicit relations: Sexual perversions bring the greatest harm to individuals and societies. Observing the proper rules in this matter lead to health, happiness and good moral society. Muslims are committed to pure, clean and socially responsible life style. Islam teaches that one should not come even close to adultery or fornication. This means proper dress code for males and females, proper behavior in mixed societies and proper control on social relations and entertainment.

7. To respect every life and not to kill anyone unless in the pursuit of justice: This means that one should recognize the sanctity of all life and should not do anything that may jeopardize life. One should avoid aggression and violence, because these things lead to murder. Every Muslim must be committed to peaceful ways. Conflicts should be resolved by dialogue and negotiations, not by killings and murders. However, justice must be maintained, because just punishment brings safety and protects life.

8. To take care of the orphans: Orphans and all those who are vulnerable must be taken care of. Their rights must be recognized and they should be protected from all harms. A Muslim must be deeply committed to the care of young, poor, infirm and handicapped. Kindness and compassion is the basic commitment of a Muslim. It includes every one, including the animals.

9. To fulfill the promises and your commitments: Promises and contracts are an important part of human life and human civilization. When promises are not kept, people lose trust in each other and the whole society becomes weak. Muslims must be true to their words. Our commitment must be to speak the truth, to be honest and when we make a pledge we do our best to fulfill our pledges.

10. To be honest in business dealings and not to cheat in weight or measurement: Honest business brings progress, success and blessings. All business whether it is commercial, social or political must be done with a sense of justice and fairness. A Muslim is committed to fair dealing in everything and with every one. Dealing with a Muslim means dealing with full confidence. A Muslim businessman is the most truthful businessman. A Muslim worker is the most honest worker. A Muslim in any profession should bring honor to that profession.

11. To do things with knowledge and not to follow the hearsay or act on half- knowledge: The information agencies, the media have a great responsibility. A lot of injustice is done when the misinformation is given or the information is misused. Muslims should be committed to truth in information. They should promote truthful and honest reporting about everyone including their enemies. A report coming from a Muslim source should be the most trustworthy report. In a similar way Muslim should be extremely careful with their actions and reactions. They should not react without proper evidence against anyone. They should show the world how the information is ascertained.

12. To be humble and have no arrogance: Moderation and balance is the best thing in one’s behavior as well as in one’s attitudes toward others. A Muslim is a dignified person, but he/she is humble. A Muslim is not boastful, arrogant or vainglorious. A Muslim thanks Allah for all His gifts. For everything the ultimate praise is for Allah and the real glory belongs to Allah.

These are the basic commitments of Muslims, as individuals and as people. These are the principles of wisdom and the universal values of Islam. When they are followed they bring justice, peace and happiness in this world and they will indeed bring success and salvation in the Hereafter. Let us all try to make these our real commitments.”
culled from SOURCE: http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503544824#ixzz0rTaga0Rg