Dear Single and searching brothers! Get real!

This was a woman’s responds to blog post titled “The World from the view of a Single Brother” by br.Haytham on muslimmatters.org . She is actually a mother in her early forties and a into a matchmaking business with her husband.

Dear  & all the single brothers , LISTEN UP!
SubhanAllah, may I ask are you looking for a wife or a car? Reading your post was amusing & angering at the same time.Why? you ask, because I see too many times & believe me I have a fair amount of experience in the matchmaking bussiness,when I come across brothers who are asking us to help them in their wife search I always ready what they’re looking for & for almost half of them I inform my husband that I’m not going to even bother helping.
Reasons: 1. They give specs for age, weight, height, colour & looks. Hello!!! This is a human & not a car you’re buying!! Sorry we don’t have a production factory that can build you a model to suit.
2. Hmm, are you THAT good looking as what you’re asking for? Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder & will you be voted #1 on the next Top 10 Hunks chart?
3. Do you think YOU have all those qualities that you want in a prospective wife to have? ie. be able to hold an intellectual conversation, attracted to her in ALL aspects & likes what she likes?
4. What if she’s more into deen then you? Are you strong enough to be proud of her for it & support her in it?
5. She must be ‘westernised with traditional values’. What does this mean? I have an idea but could be wrong, so plz clarify.
6. Plz brs. do realise that not ALL sisters love to cook even though their mothers might be the best at it. So don’t expect a Martha Stewart in the kitchen unless you’re chef Ramsay
7. Support goes both ways. It’s not a one way street especially if she’s suppose to be some what westenised.
8.Jealousy goes both ways also.
9. Will she be given the same courtesy of not having you angry with her when her views are different from yours during an interlectual conversation? Most times it’s the other way round.As soon as a wife has a view on anything that is different from the husband, if she doesn’t shush up then it leads to an argument = he won’t speak to her for the night or more .
As for humor not all men have them. Sorry to say.
Also how many bros. are willing ot give up their time playing xbox & PSP & hanging out with their Bros. for their wives?
I know of too many bros. whose young wives are waiting for them at home to be with the husbands & talk but he doesn’t come home until fajr. All because they had a game going on & forgot he’ld be back in an hr. Men expect the wives to stop their social life to an extent & give up hanging with their freinds for the most part but don’t reciprocate.
Also don’t look for a sister btwn 16 & 23 when you’re hitting 30. Besides the HUGE age gap generally nowadays it doesn’t work out & there are very different mentalities & expectations. She wants to be romanced & he wants a more mature thinking woman.

So on behalf of all the sisters who only ask for a decent, hard working , caring & understanding man. I ask the single brothers to get back to reality!!!
UmmZainab

Source:

10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Wives

Source-Motoya Nakamura / The Oregonian

After my husband wrote the “10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Husbands,” he thought it would be interesting to add the other perspective.

So, I made a list of 10 habits that my husband has commented on over time that has produced positive changes in our relationship.  He is right, the first year of marriage is really about adapting and compromise.  We are shown our terrible habits (how did our parents put up with us?) and overtime you do fall into a groove.

But, don’t get too comfortable in your routine.  Adding some spice and maintaining some good habits will make a very successful and enjoyable marriage.  Some of these habits are similar to the “Muslim Husband Habits” but, some are just for us, girls.

1.      Stay Healthy and Get Outside!

This is by far the most important habit a Muslim Wife can do to make a successful marriage.   Before marriage, my husband and I were both active people.  He was an extreme biker and I played basketball for almost 10 years before we met.  After marriage and the onset of chores, work and family obligations, time for staying healthy was becoming low on our priority scale.

Over time, we both forgot the initial attraction we had for one another – an active, healthy lifestyle.  An active lifestyle brings many benefits from  clearing the mind from trivial matters to enjoying each other’s company in a different way.

As we have brought the active lifestyle back into our lives, we both realize we learn a lot about each other through activity.  For example, on our hikes we see the other person’s stamina and determination, in playing basketball, we see our competitiveness side, and in our daily walks we see each other’s stillness and appreciation for nature.

It is by far a crucial aspect of our relationship and one that really keeps us connected, alhamdulillah.

2.      Listen and Be Supportive

One of the best things a Muslim Wife can do for her husband is be supportive.  We all know the famous story of our Beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him; after receiving revelation, he came straight home to his nurturing wife, Sayyidina Khadija, may Allah be pleased with her.  She wasn’t on the phone with her girlfriend nor was she too busy on the computer, she was ready to comfort and listen.

For me, this starts as soon as your husband comes home through the door.  Greeting your husband with a salaam, a smile and a hug is sure to set a peaceful atmosphere right away.

A Muslim Wife is attentive to her husband’s needs.  If he is holding something in his hands, like groceries, take them from him, hand him a glass of juice or have some fruit or snacks readily available.  These small gestures show simple kindness and goes a long way.

If your husband had a hard day at work, the initial greeting will soothe him.  Thereafter, if he needs to vent about his boss or co-worker, listen to him.  A good listener asks questions, makes good eye contact and reassures with nods and affection.  Initially, take his side!  If things are said that you don’t agree with, wait until a better time to give advice.  The first initial response he is looking for is support and kindness from his wife, even if he is wrong.  Thereafter, of course you can give advice and guide.

Another tip – remember names of people your husband says.  A week later after the work problem is over, simply ask your husband, “Is everything okay with Michael, now?” He will be happy that you really listened by remembering names.

So, lend a good ear and your hearts will come closer together.

3.      Be Creative – Change is Good!

We like to change things around in our apartment every season.  This is as simple as changing the furniture into a different position, changing hanging pictures or de-cluttering old knick knacks.

Over time, my husband and I have become minimalists.  We like the clean counter-tops, things put away in drawers and cupboards, and we have a new distaste for random objects.  So, we minimize every season by giving away clothes, dishes and books.

We also change our “usual” eating spots at the table and seating in the living room.  We change our chores around too.  I usually cook and he washes the dishes, but lately we have been cooking together and then sharing the dishes too (I soap while he rinses).

We have about four or five home-cooked meals that we both enjoy and we basically just rotate them week to week.  But, after a while we add a new dish to the mix.  I’ll learn something new from mom or a girl friend and surprise him with it one night.

Small changes creates new growth and stimulation to your relationship without falling into boredom and we always feel like “we’ve just moved in” every time we change things around.

4.      Engage in Good Conversation – Learn New Things

Engaging in meaningful dialogue that does not consist of talking about family, friends or every day matters can boost your marriage.

Very easily we can fall into talking about what’s happening in our lives right now, which is fine and needed.  However, your relationship truly grows and tests new boundaries when you learn new things and share them with your spouse.

My husband shares new things he is always learning from blogging, marketing and computer stuff.  To be honest, this is foreign to me.  But, it is something that he is motivated by and by listening to him I have learned a lot of interesting things about it (and he has convinced me to write this article for example, lol.)

It’s nice to talk about the books or articles I’ve read and thought about with my husband so I can gain his perspective, learn about him and enrich my own.  At times, when we disagree on a topic, our persuasive strategies kick in, allowing for a good debate.

When other temporary things fall away that make you happy – a good conversation can last a life-time.

5.      Be Alive and Excited about Life

Do you remember the first time you met your husband?  Probably one of those awkward meetings or something.  But, I remember both of us being alive and happy.  We tried to look our best and be interesting too.  I don’t remember either of us letting all of our problems out!

I’ve met a few sisters in the last little while that exude a certain kind of sadness or worry or fear that they don’t even realize that they exude.  They actually walk around with a frown!

They might have a problem or concern that of course makes them look and feel a certain way, but over time if the sad state continues it can really dampen the best of relationships.

Yes, the honeymoon phase (they say it’s the two year mark) can reach it’s end – but it doesn’t have to!  If you find yourself bored and sad, then it is really up to you to make a change in the relationship.  If you are seriously upset about something, then seek help!

There are so many things to be excited and alive about in the world!  You might need a change in your circle of friends (who really do have a big influence on how you see and do things) or you might need a new hobby or need to get outside and get fresh air on a regular basis.

Being energetic and happy and willing to try new things with your husband is an important aspect of marriage.  Being grumpy and unmotivated can lead to a whole bunch of problems for both of you.  Find a new friend or a new hobby or a new book and get excited about life.  Your husband will notice the energy and cheerfulness in you and you could change the atmosphere of your home and relationship just by changing your mood.

6.      Have One Good Girl Friend (Or Mom) – Share your Problems with Grace

There are some things that you just need to tell a girl friend because she will just understand and some things you can only tell your husband and it is important to know the difference.

It is very easy to get so comfortable with our husbands that we share some  things with them that they really could be spared.  There is a certain kind of respect and dignity a husband needs to have.  And, sisters, there is a certain level of respect and dignity he also has for you, too.

I have seen too many times, sisters complaining about other sisters, their clothes or their characters to their husbands.  Please don’t do this!  Sharing secrets or worse the flaws of other sisters to your husbands is a big no-no, especially if the sister confided in you.  Even though you and your husband are a pair, your sister friend should not feel that everything she tells you is going straight to the husband!

This is not only gossip and forbidden in Islam, but boring and undignified to your husband.  Instead, having a good girl friend or even your mom or someone else you trust provides an excellent outlet to let out frustrations that can dampen a marriage or a husband’s mood or respect for you.

In the same vein, sisters should not tell other sisters their husband’s secrets!  It’s okay to seek advice but not in a way that can make your husband lose respect in front of your friend.

Your husband can be your best friend and will be with you to the very end, inshaAllah.  It is not worth it to lose your husband and what matters to him over a friend who no matter how close they are, can end up not being there for you in the end.

7.      Dress Up and Smell Good – Take Care of Your Outward and Inward Appearance

Finally, after years of searching for the “one” you are married!  You look into the face of your spouse and you think, “so it was you” that I was meant to marry.  And, the marriage chapter of your life begins.

Marriage is “half our deen” and now that there is this one man in your life, this is your chance to make it everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  And one fun thing a Muslim Wife can do is simply dress up and smell good.

I always think it’s interesting that sisters (and brothers) can be “frumpy” in their homes but as soon as they step out of the door they dress up and go all out.  Very often we dress up for the world (strangers who we don’t know or at our workplace) and sometimes we just let ourselves go in front of  family and our spouses.

I think it’s great that couples get so comfortable with each other that they can stay in their pajamas all day.  But, sisters, simply dressing up and smelling good can really uplift your husband’s appreciation of you and may make him dress up and smell good for you too.

If you are a stay-at-home sister/mom, yeah you can stay in your pajamas all day – but if you know your husband is coming home at 5:30, then change into something nice and put on some perfume at 5:00!

Taking care of personal hygiene and working on yourself inwardly is sure to add to your overall character.  Reading Quran, catching up on a Islamic lecture, praying and making heartfelt dua’a all add to the beauty of you.

So, strike a balance between the outward and the inward appearance of you and watch the positive benefits come into your marriage and family.

8.      Be Affectionate – Don’t Hold Back Your Love

I think culturally, many sisters can bring a lot of baggage to their marriages and it is not our fault because it’s the way we’ve all grown up.

Some of us have been too immersed in Western culture and seen all the movies that we have expectations of our husbands to act a certain way or we are the complete opposite where we have been so sheltered that marriage and the thought of living with a boy (when you are married) is strange and almost – wrong!

And, it is strange.  All of our lives, sisters grow up in the homes of parents only to leave them (quite suddenly) to live with a complete stranger (most people only know each other for a short while before they get married.)

But, the truth of the matter is that marriage is a noble sunnah that is one of the most beautiful aspects of our deen.  And, one of the best things a Muslim Wife can do is to be affectionate, even if it has to be learned over time.  This is your husband now.  The one man that you married and will be married to for ever, inshaAllah.  Be affectionate with your husband, whatever that means to you, and the affection will lead to a closer and more connected relationship.

Human touch, whether it be holding hands or a hug, leads to Mercy (Rahma) in relationships whether it is with your husband, sister friends or even your parents.  So, be affectionate often and reap the benefits.

9.      Go the Extra Mile – He’ll Notice (Hopefully)

Going the extra mile means doing something for your husband that goes above and beyond what he expects of you.

If he asked you to make a meal for his family, it means you go all out and make the dishes with care and effort.

If you are going out for a special day, it means you take time to find the right outfit and perhaps wear it a bit differently than he is used to.  It could mean sending him a random text message to say you are thinking of him or a random e-card.

It could mean spending extra time listening to him talk to you about his concerns without you changing the subject.  It could mean baking home-made cookies, inviting him on a special day you have planned, making him a gift or cleaning his desk space.

It could mean wearing earrings if you normally don’t at home, or giving him free time to work-out or for his hobby, or even helping him get ready in the morning with a packed lunch with a nice note inside.

The ideas are endless and with a bit of extra time and effort, your husband will appreciate the little details you’ve paid attention to, inshaAllah.

10. Say “Thank You” – Be Grateful for Small and Big Things

One of the hadiths that scare me to death is the one that says, “The majority of hell is made up of women who were ungrateful to their husbands.” Yikes!

So, say thank you every night to your husband before you go to sleep for anything and everything that he has done for you.  Don’t overlook things you have got used to like him buying groceries, helping out with dishes, listening to your problems or simply going to work everyday.

Remember the big things and the small things and soon all small things will turn into big things for you, inshaAllah.

Thank him sincerely: “Thank you for helping with the dishes because it really cuts the time out I have to spend in the kitchen.” Rather than simply saying thank you, explain yourself to him and tell him why it’s important to you and that you noticed.

He will feel happy that he could help and may make him feel like doing it even more for you!  Most importantly, give thanks to Allah, most Generous, and He will increase your marriage even more, inshaAllah.

Parting Thoughts

This list is a reminder first to myself before I send them to you.  All of these are from experience of being married for almost three years now.  You may agree or disagree, but these are just some things that have helped the both of us over time.

And, we are always learning and growing and making mistakes, alhamdulillah, it’s all part of the journey.  Feel free to share more insight or your own tips with us in the comments below.

InshaAllah, may Allah pour blessing upon blessing into all our marriages!  Ameen!

SOURCE:

Questions to ask a prospective husband

When choosing a partner, there are numerous issues which may lead to friction and conflict. Following the principle that prevention is better than cure, it seems wise to air these issues before a match is finalized. Some of the issues may appear trivial or mundane, but the stuff of everyday life is also the stuff of arguments! Other issues are more serious, and may be indicative of the potential for a stormy and abusive marriage. Each marriage will have its ups and downs, but settling some of these matters may avoid the emergence of major, insoluble problems and consequent heartbreak.

These are all questions that may be asked directly or else “researched” by observation, asking his relatives, members of the community, etc. The prospective bride may ask some of these questions when the couple meet, but many women may feel too shy to ask outright. Family or friends can also help with the research – in many Muslim countries, relatives of prospective partners often visit to check the person out!

Asking/answering such questions is not gheebah or backbiting, and people should not hesitate to tell the truth when it concerns a possible marriage; the intent is to establish whether these two people are compatible. Avoiding a poor match will save all concerned from much heartache. At the same time, whether the marriage proceeds or not, any information thus gathered should be kept confidential – any “faults” uncovered should not be generally broadcast in the community!

These suggested questions are derived from two sources: an article entititled “Spousal Abuse and its Prevention” by Br. Abdul Rehman in Islamic Sisters International, and the feedback I received during a workshop I led on “Choosing a Marriage Partner” at the ISSRA Conference on Health and Social Issues, Toronto, May 25, 1996.

The Big Issues:

(1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger?

Does he blame everybody but himself?

Does he stop talking to the person involved?

Does he bear grudges (“I’ll get him back one day!”)

Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry?

Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view?

Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry?

(2) How does he behave during a crisis?

Does he blame everyone except himself?

Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam?

What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure?

Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease?

(3) How does he feel about women’s rights in a Muslim home?

Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother?

Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How?

Did he believe that his father was always right?

Does he believe that all women deserve abuse?

How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends?

Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision?

Does he stick firmly to his decisions?

(4) How does he deal with money matters?

Does he save his money for the future?

Does he give money to charities?

When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision?

How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money?

(5) What does he expect from his wife and children?

How would he react if his expectations are not met?

What is his vision of family life?

Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children?

Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views?

(6) What are his family like?

Are his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab?

Does their approach to Islam differ from yours – will you be the only “fundamentalists” in a family whose Islam is more “traditional”?

If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and exclusion?

(7) What is his medical background?

(Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah until they see proof that the couple have undergone blood tests and been given a clean bill of health)

Has he ever had an AIDS test, and what was the result?

Is there any history of major illness in his family?

(8) What are his views on education of women and children?

Will he allow you to continue and/or return to education?

What are his views on education and schooling of children? If you have strong views on Islamic schools, home schooling, etc., find out if his views coincide with yours.

Will he take part in the children’s upbringing and education? Will he teach them Qur’an?

(9) Where does he want to live?

Does he want to settle in the country where you now live?

Does he want to return to his homeland? Does he want to move to a new country altogether?

Will the family have to move frequently because of his profession?

Will he take your feelings into account when deciding where to live?

Does he aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will he settle for less? Does he want to live in the heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting?

Day-to-day matters

Some of these are individual preferences – what may deeply concern some may not even be an issue to others, but if you have some strong feelings on a matter, it is better to get it out into the open before you make a commitment:

(1) Food:

Do you agree on the “halal meat” issue – some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst others will eat any “meat of the Jews and Christians” as long as it’s not pork.

Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic?

Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience food or take-away on busy days?

Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you “go vegetarian” some days?

(2) Smoking:

Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non-smoking home?

(3) Going Out:

How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside?

Will he want to “check out” your friends and only let you visit those of whom he approves?

How does he feel about women driving?

(4) Pets:

Are either of you very keen to keep pets at home?

Do either of you have any allergies, dislikes, or phobias when it comes to animals?

Taken from Bent Rib: A Journey through women’s issues in Islam by Huda al-Khattab

{SOURCE}

Seeking spouses: physical attraction

Are you ready to complete your deen? This is an insight on the role of  “physical attraction” on  when seeking for a spouse – by Baba Ali! for your understanding…

The manners of welcoming the new-born child in Islaam

{This is an important topic especially for the intending or new couples; who either do not know much or are in doubt on “what to do” or “why it is done”, when the joyful cry of the baby arrives. For me it has opened my eyes to some “why it’s done” and has increased my knowledge on this topic . So as usual i share for the sake of Allah.. happy reading …PEACE!}

Children are a source of delight and an adornment for the world granted by Allaah to their parents, they give vigour to the hearts, joy to the souls, pleasure to the eyes. They are the fruit from whom good is to be hoped for when they frequently supplicate:

“Our Lord! Bestow on them your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small”

and they are the ones in every nation upon whom hope for the future lies, and they are the youth of tomorrow upon whose shoulders the call to Islaam is carried. Indeed Islaam has indeed elevated the status of children and has laid down manners for their treatment relating to all their affairs and each stage of their and from these are the manners for welcoming their arrival in this life.

Our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was a living example, educating, cultivating the Muslims upon the practices of Islaam, teaching them how to worship their Lord in the best of ways. But a number of Muslims have strayed from his pure teachings and have substituted that which is gold for that which worthless.

So here are the manners the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) taught us with regards our new-born.

1) Encouragement to have Children

Allaah says, “So now have sexual relations with them,, and seek that which Allaah has ordained for you.”

And the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Marry the loving and fertile because through you, I will compete with the nations for superiority in numbers” (Abu Dawood)

And it is important that the Parents bring up their children upon righteousness, so that the Parents will benefit from them during their lives and after their death. Allaah’s Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“A servant will have his rank raised and will say, ‘O my Lord how has this come about for me?’ He says, ‘through your sons after you seeking forgiveness for you'” (ibn Maajah)

Know that what has preceded applies equally to both boys and girls, and indeed Islaam has encouraged the bringing up of girls, and Allaah condemns those that are distressed at the birth of a girl, and the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came elevating the status of this gift from Allaah,

“whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood – he and I will come together on the Day of Resurrection (like this) – and he interlaced his two fingers” (Muslim)

meaning in Paradise. So can their be a greater honour given to daughters?!

2) Giving the good news of the Birth

The near of kin who are anxiously waiting should be informed so that they can stop worrying and congratulate the parents and supplicate for the baby. Allaah mentions this good news being conveyed to a number of His Prophets, from them Zakariyyah of his son Yahya,

“Then the angels called him, while he was standing in prayer in a private room (saying), ‘Allaah gives you glad tidings of Yahya'”

3) Giving the Adhaan in the ear of the newborn

The first practice to do is to make the adhaan in the ear of the baby, so that the first words that the baby hears is the name of Allaah, and the kalima.

It is to be given straight after the birth, or very soon afterwards as he (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) did with his grandson al-Husayn, as is related by Abu Raafi’ who said,

“I saw the Prophet give the adhaan for prayer in the ear of al-Husayn ibn Alee when his mother Faatimah gave birth to him,” (Tirmidhee)

It should be given with it’s usual wording in a voice which is audible to the baby, not so loudly that it risks harm to the baby or alarms it.

Only the adhaan is to be given, not the iqaamah as well as there is no authentic evidence to support this. Giving the adhaan only is also the reported practice of the Khaleefah Umar bin Abdul Azeez. This is closer to the sunnah, and Allaah knows best.

The sunnah has not specified as to which ear it should be given, however the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to love to do good actions starting from the right, so it would be more appropriate to give the adhaan in the right ear.

4) The Tahneek

This means to softening a date and then rubbing the palate of the new-born with it just after the birth or soon after. This is done by putting a piece of the softened date on the finger and rubbing it from left to right in the mouth of the baby.

Ibn Hajr said, “if one is not able to find a dry date, then a fresh date should be used, and if that is not available then anything sweet.” (Fath 9/588)

It is not essential to chew the date rather it may be softened in any way. The action of chewing as reported in the sunnah was something specific to the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) due to the blessings that Allaah had placed in his saliva.

It is done by the father or the mother or anyone from the People of Knowledge whose supplication is hoped would be accepted. So he should perform tahneek and supplicate for the child as was the practice of the Companions.

Imaam Nawawee says, ” scholars are agreed upon the recommendation of performing tahneek upon the baby after it’s birth.” (Sharh Saheeh Muslim 4/122)

Aaishah (radiyallaahu ‘anha) reports, “new-born children used to be brought to the Messenger of Allaah and he would supplicate for blessings for them, and rub a chewed date upon their palate.” (Muslim)

5) Naming the child

The baby may be named on the day of it’s birth or later on the seventh day or past the seventh day, as this is what is clear after study of all the evidences from the sunnah.

It is the father or the mother who chose the name for the baby. If they differ amongst themselves then it is the father who has the choice, he may name it himself or give his wife the right to choose. The fact that this is the right of the father is shown by the principle that the child is ascribed and attributed to the father, as Allaah says,

“Call them (adopted sons) by (the names of) their fathers, that is more just in the Sight of Allaah”

It is also allowed for the parents to allow others to name the child, since our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to name some of the children of his Companions.

The name should carry a good and praiseworthy meaning as the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“On the Day of Resurrection, you will be called by your names and your fathers names, so make your names good.” (Abu Dawood)

It is recommended to call oneself a servant of Allaah (Abdullaah) or the servant of any of the names of Allaah. Then it is recommended to name a child after a prophet, due to the hadeeth,

“call yourselves by the names of the Prophets” (Abu Dawood)

and the hadeeth,

“a son was born to me this night and I called him after my forefather Ibraaheem” (Muslim)

Then it is recommended to name the child after any pious person in the hope that it will become like him/her. Then it is recommended to name by any name which has good meaning.

It is forbidden to name a child with a name that denote servitude to other than Allaah, for example Abd an-Nabi, Abd ar-Rasool etc, just as it is forbidden to name them with names that are particular to the Unbelievers like George, Michael, Susan etc.

The names of tyrants and evil personalities should be avoided such as Fir’awn, Qaroon, Abu Lahab etc.. Likewise it is disliked to name with the names of the Surahs of the Qur’aan like ‘Taa Haa’ or ‘Yaa Seen’ as is reported from Imaam Maalik and others. There is no authentic hadeeth which ascribes the above two as being names of the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

6) The Aqeeqah

After the seventh day of the arrival of the new-born, as a form of welcome for it and to give thanks to the One who gave the blessings, it is prescribed to slaughter a sheep. The Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“Every child is in pledge for it’s Aqeeqah which is sacrificed for it on its seventh day, and it is named on it, and its head is shaved” (Abu Dawood)

If the new-born is a boy then two sheep are to be sacrificed, and if it is a girl then one sheep. This is the position of the majority of the scholars and Companions. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“for the boy two equal sheep, and for the girl, a single sheep.” (Ibn Maajah)

So it is permissible to sacrifice the male or female sheep or goat, and this is best. As for sacrificing other animals then the scholars have differed over this.

The sacrifice should be done by the father or a close relative, for our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) performed the Aqeeqah for his two grandsons. It is also obligatory to mention the name of Allaah over it while sacrificing, and if a close relative is performing the Aqeeqah then he should add, ‘this aqeeqah is the Aqeeqah of so and so’ mentioning the name of the person on whose behalf he is performing the aqeeqah, as is reported in the hadeeth related by al-Bayhaqee.

The meat of the sacrifice may be distributed cooked or uncooked,, but it is preferred that it should be cooked as this leads to greater blessing as mentioned by a group of the scholars.

7) Shaving the baby’s head

On the seventh day after the birth the head of the baby should be shaved. So when al-Hasan was born the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) told his daughter, Faatima (radiyallaahu ‘anha),

“shave his head and give the weight of his hair in silver to the poor” (Ahmad)

The right side of the head should be shaved first, then the left as mentioned in the hadeeth,

“shave, and he indicated to the right side of his head, and then the left” (Muslim)

It is not permissible to shave a part of the head and leave a part, as this was prohibited by the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) as reported by al-Bukhaaree. The strongest view seems to be that the head of the boy or the girl should be shaved, as is reported that Faatimah weighed the hair of her daughter (Muwatta) but the scholars differ on this, and Allaah knows best.

The shaving should be done after the sacrifice, and our pious predecessors liked to rub some perfume over the baby’s head after the shaving.

Then it is prescribed to give the value of the baby’s weight of hair in silver in charity, and it is recommended to give this charity on the seventh day also, but it is not necessary to do so, and may be delayed.

8) Circumcision

It is prescribed that the boy be circumcised, it is recommended that the circumcision take place on the seventh day, but it is obligatory to circumcise before the boy reaches

SOURCE: PINK ISLAM

Children are a source of delight and an adornment for the world granted by Allaah to their parents, they give vigour to the hearts, joy to the souls, pleasure to the eyes. They are the fruit from whom good is to be hoped for when they frequently supplicate:

Creative ways to finding a spouse

When looking for a spouse you might need to use a BIG creative googles… because not all of us will be luck to find help from family or friends. Are you searching? Do you know what you want? Do you know how to get it? Lessons i got from this video below are:

• asking loads of question,
• knowing what you want and
• being real would get

You the right partner insha Allah. Enjoy Baba Ali ‘s interview on how he found his wife as a convert.

Video: How Baba Ali found his wife [premiere on IslamicTube]

No to Spinsterhood. ..Yes to Marriage!

As usual we wont stop digging out article that will benefit us as Muslim  youths. Are you a spinster by choice or by situation? for how long? why? why not? all these have been reasonable answered in this nicely written piece .  So we say- No to Spinsterhood. ..Yes to Marriage! (PS: its kind of Nigerian based but with common knowledge too)

this image was found online... suitable rit? 🙂

” In the name of Allah the Beneficent the Merciful

Strong social ties form the foundation of the happiness, stability and development of communities and are a main factor behind the might and power that nations like Nigeria enjoy. Conversely, social problems are a danger to the very existence of communities because they represent a crack which will finally lead to the break up of communities.

O Muslims! Let us shed light on one of most important social issues of our time – marriage. A dangerous phenomenon impacting individuals, communities and the Muslim nation as a whole is the phenomenon of life-long spinsterhood.

Surveys conducted on this astonishing trend show that in this country alone there are more than 2 million single women waiting for the man of their dreams. This will increase in the next five years to reach four million if the trend continues as it is now.

This can have many evil consequences, especially during our era when the means of corruption have become easily accessible and the ways of unlawfully fulfilling one’s desires have become readily available. The only way to protect the youth from indulging in immorality and evil practices is through early marriage.(Not 13 years old pls)

It is unfortunate that many young men and women are reaching the age of 35 – 40 without getting married. Some have perhaps never even entertained the thought of doing so. This corruption only started when obstacles were put in front of those who wanted to get married. Moreover, immorality, prostitution, traveling abroad to corrupt places and illegal sexual relations have become widespread.

Majority of reasons behind this is either due to traditions passed down or due to the ideological attack that our nation has been subjected to.

These were supposed to give our youth hopes and dreams. But they are in reality illusions from Satan. Some youth give the excuse that they desire to complete their studies and that marriage would prevent them from doing so. But was marriage ever an obstacle? Experience has proved that a successful marriage helps in freeing the mind and relaxing the soul.

We must be very clear in our objectives. If university degrees mean one will remain unmarried till an old age, especially for a woman, then what good are they for? She may even miss the train of marriage altogether? What good is it if she never enjoyed having a husband or children to decorate her life? She may never have a source of benefit after her death. Many women delayed marriage and therefore missed out. Their beauty faded away and then they wished they could tear up their degrees in exchange for hearing a child call them, “Mother.” But this usually happens after it becomes too late. We sadly hear this too often from those who went through this terrible experience.

We were also being affected by what goes on within our environment. Are we a secular state or what, having many religion with stupid understanding and behavior.

Such problems are due to an unclear understanding, weak faith and misconceptions regarding the objectives of Islam. People have unjustified fears about the future, over-reliance on positions at work, being materialistic in life, and over-keenness to get degrees. All this weakens one’s reliance on Allah and the acceptance of His decree.

Young men and women must get married as soon as possible, and they should not deprive themselves from their desired happiness and success due to the false excuse of building for their future first, because Allah says (the meaning of which translates as):

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (Qur’an, 24:32)

Abdullah Bin Mas’ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “If there were only 10 days left in my life, and I knew that I would die after that, and I could get married then I would still do so, so that I would not expose my self to corruption.”

Imam Ahmad (may Allah have mercy upon him) said: “Remaining single is not from Islam, and anyone who introduces the idea of remaining single is introducing something other than Islam.”

Another main reason for the spread of this phenomenon is that some parents oppressively prevent their daughters from marrying suitable young men, despite the fact that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “If a man whose religion and manners you approve of comes to you (proposing to your daughter), then give her in marriage to him, otherwise, there will be turmoil on the earth and great corruption.” (Al-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah)

Some fathers breached the trust from Allah which they have carried regarding their daughters by preventing them from marriage. It may be that a young man comes to them asking for their daughter and they delay or prohibit him for no reason, citing baseless excuses. Indeed some fathers see their daughters as a piece of merchandise to be sold at an auction.

Even if your daughter is to be someone’s second wife, pray solatul istkhaara for her because only Allah SWT knows what we know not.

Such fathers do not realize that this is in fact oppression and betrayal. Some fathers even delay their daughter’s marriage in order to benefit from her salary. Where is their mercy?

Do they not consider the consequences of their actions? How can someone who knows about the nature of a woman imprison her for life?

If these people had used their minds then they would have looked for suitable husbands for their daughters, just as Umar offered his daughter for marriage to Abu Bakr and then Uthman, may Allah be pleased with them. Sa’eed Bin Al-Musayyib gave his daughter in marriage to one of his students. Making marriage difficult is destroying homes, killing chastity, ruining morality and spreading evil.

O fathers! Fear Allah regarding those whom are guardians of and rush into marrying them to those who propose for them. Rejecting suitable men and delaying women from marriage jeopardizes and endangers men, women and indeed the community as a whole. Suitable men are those whose practice of Islam is sound, whose manners are good and who are kind, honest and from a good family. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Marry the one who has (i.e., practices) religion, and you will rejoice.”

The tradition of excessive expenditure on weddings and exorbitant dowries, which some people impose upon the groom, only adds to the problem.

Brothers and sisters who are suffering from this problem! Persevere, remain steadfast and chaste and be content with the decree of Allah because what He has for you is better.

Fathers and guardians! We have high hopes in you; we are very optimistic that you will open your hearts and positively respond to that which is better for you, your children and your community.

The cure for spinsterhood lies in strengthening the foundation of faith in the Muslim nation and raising this coming generation upon the correct belief, while emphasising on morals and principles in our Muslim communities. We should facilitate marriages, reduce dowries and marry our daughters to suitable young men based on the correct Islamic criteria for choosing a spouse. The media should educate people and direct them to goodness. We should guide people to suitable young men and the wealthy among us should support those who wish to get married.

Source:  Welcome Islam

Islamic ways to help love in tthe family…

Assalam Alaykunm Warahmatullah- this article is culled from a mail i got from “Welcome Islam” and thought it fit well into our wedding to marriage series. Though it was tagged “60 ISLAMIC WAYS TO KEEP YOUR WIFE’S LOVE”,  i believe these tips could insha seal the love within any Muslim home/ family.  So happy reading!!

1. Make her feel secured; (sakina- tranquility) QUIT BEING AGGRESSIVE

2. When you go home say ‘Assalamu’alaikum’ (Greetings). It kicks shaitaan out of your home!

3. Prophet Mohammed (SAW) described the wife as a fragile vessel and said to take care of this vessel that’s fragile. Remember that there is goodness in this vessel so treat it gently.

4. When you advise her, do so in privacy, in a peaceful environment. NOT IN PUBLIC as it’s a type of slandering.

5. Be generous to your wife – it keeps her LOVE.

6. Move and let her have your seat. It will warm her heart.

7. AVIOD ANGER. HOW? Keep your wudu at all times. The Prophet (SAW) said if you are angry, sit down; if you’re sitting, then lie down. Follow the sunnah!

8. Look good and smell great for your wife. IT keeps the LOVE!

9. Don’t be rigid. It will break you. Prophet Mohammed – Salallahu Aleihi Wasallam said ‘I am the best amongst you and I am the best to my wife’. Being rigid and harsh will not bring you close to Allah and neither does it make you more of a man.

10. Listen to your wife – BE a GOOD LISTENER.

11. YES to flattering NO to arguing. Arguing is like poison in a marriage. Al zawai said ‘When Allah (SWT) wants evil for people, He will leave them to argue amongst themselves’.

12. Prophet (SAW) said to call your wives with the best names, any name she loves to hear. Prophet Mohammed (SAW) called Aisha ‘ya Aish’ as an endearment.

13. Give her a pleasant surprise – i.e. if she loves watermelon, bring her one out of the blue. It will grow the love in her heart.

14. Preserve your tongue! Prophet (SAW) said the tongue will throw people in the hell fire so watch what you say and how you say it!

15. All of us have shortcomings. Accept her shortcomings and Allah (SWT) will put barakah in your marriage.

16. TELL her you appreciate her. SHOW her you appreciate her.

17. Encourage her to keep good relation with her relatives, her Mum and Dad etc.

18. Speak with her with a topic of HER interest.

19. In front of her relative praise her. Confirm/realize that she is wonderful, and that she is a good person in front of her family.

20. Give each other gifts. You will love each other more. Prophet (SAW) said gifts increases love.

21. Get rid of the routine once in a while, surprise her with something, it will get rid of the rust and polish it!

22. Husnul zaan- We have a demand from Allah (SWT) that we have to think good of people. Think good of your spouse.

23. Ignore some of her mistakes – pretend you did not see/hear some of her small mistakes. It was a practice of Ali (RA). It’s like putting a hole in your memory. Don’t save it in your memory!

24. Increase the drops of patience, especially when she is on her monthly period.

25. Expect and respect her jealousy. Even Aisha (RA) used to get jealous.

26. Be humble. If your profession is good, respect that she is looking after your children, she is much more than you, she is the leader at home, her strength is your strength, and her success is your success.

27. Don’t put your friends above your wife.

28. Help your wife at home. Prophet (SAW) used to help his wives at home and he was the best of creation. He used to sew his own clothes.

29. Help her respect your parents, you can’t force her to love them, but she can be helped to gradually love them.

30. Show your wife she is the ideal wife.

31. Remember your wife in your duaas. It will increase the love and protect it.

32. Leave the past. It brings nothing but pain and grief. It’s not your business. The past is for Allah (SWT).

33. Don’t try to show her that you are doing her a favor by doing something, like buying food for the house, because in reality we are the courier of sustenance, not the providers, as Allah is the provider. It’s also a way of being humble and thankful to Allah (SWT).

34. Shaitaan is your enemy, not your wife. Sometime when husband and wife are talking a fight breaks out, then shaitaan is present there as a third person. So he is the real enemy. It is not enough to hate the shaitaan, but you have to see him as an enemy as Allah has commanded. Shaitaan loves divorce, he comes everyday, sits and asks the devils what they have done, some say i have made a person steal, or i have made someone drink etc. And one devil will say i have made a man divorce his wife, and he is crowned as the one who has done the best job.

35. Take the food and put it in her mouth. Prophet (SAW) taught us this. It’s a blessing. The food doesn’t just go to her stomach, but straight to her heart. It increases the love and mercy between you.

36. Protect your wife from the evil of the shaitaan and mankind. She is like a precious pearl that needs protecting from the envy of human devils and shitaan.

37. Show her your smile. Smile at your wife. IT’S A CHARITY.

38. Small problems/challenges can become a big problem. Or if there are small things she didn’t like and you keep repeating them anyway, it will create a wall between you. Don’t ignore those small problems as they can become big.

39. Avoid being harsh-hearted and moody. Allah said of Prophet (SAW) ‘if you were harsh-hearted they (the companions) would have left you.’ It confirms Prophet (SAW) was not harsh-hearted, so GET RID OF IT.

40. Respect her thinking. It’s strength for you. Show you like her thoughts and suggestions.

41. Help her to achieve her potential and help her to dig and find success within as her success is your success.

42. Respect the intimate relationship and its boundaries. Prophet (SAW) said she is like a fragile vessel and she needs to be treated tenderly. Sometime she may not be feeling well; you must respect and appreciate that feeling.

43. Help her to take care of the children. Some men think it makes them appear less of a man but in fact it makes you appear a bigger man and more respected, especially in the sight of Allah (SWT).

44. Use the gifts of the tongue and sweet talks to her. Tell her she looks great, be an artist. Pick and choose gifts of the tongue.

45. Sit down and eat with her and share food with her.

46. Let her know you are traveling. Don’t tell her out of the blue as it’s against Islam. Tell her the date/time of your return also.

47. Don’t leave the house as soon as trouble brews.

48. The house has privacy and secrecy. Once you take this privacy and secrecy to your friends and family you are in danger of putting a serious hole in your marriage. This secrecy stays home. Islam is against leaving them out like a garage sale for anyone to come and pick and choose.

49. Encourage each other for ibadah, i.e. plan a trip for hajj or umrah together. It increases and strengthens the love when you help each other perform good deeds together i.e, do tahajuud together, or go to a dars together etc.

50. Know her rights, not only written in paper but engraved in your heart and engraved in your conscious.

51. Allah (SWT) said ‘live with your wives in kindness.’ Treat them with kindness and goodness. It means in happy times and in sadness treat her with goodness and fairness.

52. Prophet (SAW) showed that at the time of intimacy, don’t jump on your wife like an animal!

53. When you have a dispute with your wife don’t tell anyone. It’s like leaving your wounds open to germs so be careful who you share your problems and disputes with.

54. Show your wife you really care for her health. Good health of your wife is your good health. To care for her health shows her that you love her.

55. Don’t think you are always right. No matter how good you are you have shortcomings. You are not perfect as the only one who was perfect in character was Prophet (SAW). Get rid of this disease.

56. Share your problems, your happiness, and your sadness with her.

57. Have mercy on her weakness. Have mercy when she is weak or strong as she is the fragile vessel. Prophet (SAW) said that your wife is a trust in your hand.

58. Remember you are her strength, someone to lean on in times of hardship.

59. Accept her as she is. Prophet (saw) said that women are created from the rib which is bent. If you try to straighten her you will break her (divorce). Prophet (SAW) said that you may dislike one habit in her but you will like another manner in her so accept her as she is.

60. Have good intention for your wife all the time, Allah monitors your intention and your heart at all times. Allah (SWT) said Among His Signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.

Source: Welcome Islam

10 Good Reasons to Marry ONE Muslim –

<I laughed alot after reading this and sincerely i start thinking of coming up with my version… Hope you like the sense and humor as written<by Fareeda Ahmed>

…Dear readers, it looks like you did well to read our post on 10 Good Reasons to Marry a Muslim! Online Dating and polygamy have combined to create the master of all “Islamic” matrimonial sites: 2or3or4.com

The logline says it all: “Marry women of your choices. 2 or 3 or 4!”

What about 1? Is that not even an option anymore?

As if to pre-empt the argument, the website features several articles and opinions on the validity of polygamy in Islam. While I have heard ranging opinions on the relative preferability of the institution, almost all agree that Islam allows polygamy for men with certain restrictions.

So, if I may just impart a few notes on 10 Good Reasons to Marry ONE Muslim:

1) Family Ties (or nuses) Really? One set of in-laws isn’t enough?

2) Let me introduce you to… It gives people fewer opportunities to impersonate Borat saying, “Mah waahhhf!” Imagine that four times in a row!

3) Do you know what day it is today? Do you really think you can remember FOUR anniversaries? That’s just asking for trouble! …Unless you do it all at once, I suppose. But still. Miss that day, and you will be struggling to find a blank spot on your face around the 20 finger marks…

4) Mid-Wife Crisis: There are other ways to show your virility. Get a sportscar. Which, by the way, will only fit your favorite wife, and that disqualifies the whole “separate but equal” rule.

5) The Fame Game: There are far more sitcoms about monogamous relationships than about polygamous relationships. Although a Muslim version of “Big Love” would definitely bring a fresh perspective to the HBO crowd… “Bigger Love” could combine some elements of “The Wire” and “The Sopranos” to truly make it edgy. Heck, why not throw in some “True Blood.” I always thought Muslims were unfairly underrepresented in the vampire fiction category…

6) Alimony: Greek for: “All the Money.” As in say goodbye to “All the Money” you’ve ever earned. Either way, you’re a goner. Stay together and that’s a whole set of college educations you have to save for.

7) In my country… Ok, I’m going to come out and say it. But a huge reason to forgo extra significant others is the stigma. People associate polygamy with sexism and values of centuries past. While that does seem unfair given the average NBA player’s entourage (or Hugh Heffner’s Bunny Farm), it’s like the French say, marriage is once with one person and for life. That’s what mistresses are for!

8) Legalese: Polygamy has been illegal in the US since the late 19th century. Meanwhile, activists in this country are still finding it difficult to get married to just one other person. Try adding more wives to the bill and you will get screamed down by conservative hillbillies quicker than you can say, “Proposition 8 revoked!” And all you can retort with is “nice haircut!” or “Anne Coulter is getting less attractive by the day!” (If you have more effective insults, please email them along…these didn’t work so well at the rodeo.)

9) Double Standard: Do you really want to play this game? Men wear pants. Women wear pants. Men want voting rights. Women want voting rights. Men want additional spouses…well, let’s just hope you have some brothers. If you open this door, don’t think women won’t eventually come up with ways to walk through it. They already have in some parts of the world!

10) And finally, the biggest reason to marry ONE Muslim: Hey! Leave some for the rest of us!

Source: http://www.elanthemag.com/index.php/site/featured_articles_detail/10_good_reasons_to_marry_one_muslim-nid953877706/

by Fareeda Ahmed

10 common mistakes that destroy a relationship of marriage

In life and love, you may think you’re supposed to always focus on the positive instead of the negative.

However, unless you become aware of your own hurtful attitudes or actions — so that you can correct them — your chances of staying in love ’til death do you part are close to zero.

To have your marriage last a lifetime, avoid these 10 common mistakes:

1. Talking “at” instead of “with” your mate. Let his or her body language be your guide. When you’re talking “at” your partner, he or she will tense up. When you’re talking “with” your spouse, he or she will relax.

2. Tuning out — instead of tuning in — to what your mate is saying. When you mind begins to wander, stop and remember that what your partner is saying is important to him or her.

3. Forgetting to thank your mate. Not thanking your spouse for being considerate, thoughtful or kind makes him or her feel unappreciated and foolish for caring about you. even if your mate did something as simple as remembering to wash the laundry or cook dinner or pay an outstanding bill. although it may be generally “considered as a duty”, it is not. In fact the main duty in a marriage is to make the other person happy, for most people, ultimately that does not necessary have to do with chores or bills.

4. Getting defensive instead of saying, “I’m sorry.” When you mess up, the sooner you sincerely say, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” the sooner your mate can stop resenting you.

5. Always saying, “I’m sorry,” yet never changing. An apology buys you another chance. However, if you keep making the same mistake, apologies not only seem empty, but annoying as well.

6. Being repeatedly late. Frequently keeping your partner waiting is not only inconsiderate, it’s arrogant.

7. Playing the victim. This behavior not only accuses your spouse of hurting you, but adds insult to injury by implying that he or she is doing it intentionally, when that may not be the case. not everyone has the same capacity of receiving accusations, so it is safest not to jump and accuse your mate of  having bad intentions, even if they have repeated similar mistakes in the past.

8. Jumping to conclusions. Presuming that you know what your partner feels — and why — without first getting all the facts is only going to push him or her away.

9. Badmouthing your spouse behind his or her back. This not only adds to the list of secrets you keep from your mate, but also tells others how little you respect your partner.

10. Thinking that doing something once is enough. If you only temporarily stop making the above mistakes — and don’t continue to monitor yourself to keep from slipping back into bad habits — If your spouse was satisfied with that last bouquet of roses you bought her or that last set of golf clubs you got him, all signs point to the fact that giving and receiving gifts is a good thing. So keep it up! you’re teasing your partner with changing one time and going to the same old song and dance. You’re also kidding yourself that you’re committed to improving your marriage, when really you’re not.
SOURCE:http://islamgreatreligion.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/10-common-mistakes-that-destroy-a-

relationship-of-marriage-2/