The World from the view of a Single Brother

Get a preview of what goes on in the heads of single brothers.. at least some of them 🙂

In a world were sexual culture dominates media (read this CNN article about Sexual Content on TV to Teen Pregnancy), one finds himself surrounded with nothing but stimulus that pushes him to a direction that he knows that it isn’t the right one. This environment coupled with natural urges can put people in weird situations.

So we ask ourselves, what’s the way out of this? How can we resolve such issues and consciously feel good about the solution. And the  obvious answer to the question is “I want to get Married.”

One might ask, is sex the only motive that drives men to get married? And the answer to that is NO of course it’s not the only reason, but indeed its one of the very top ones. This goes for brothers and sisters equally. I must admit though, I don’t know how it feels like being a single sister, but rest assured I know very well how it feels like being a single brother. So here is a point of view that lots of other single brothers share when it comes to pre-marriage issues. I will try to cover three main areas starting with parents of a prospect wife, then the prospect wife, and end with our own insecurities.

Our view about the parents of a prospect wife:

Single brothers fear parents with “very” high expectations. They tend to demand a lot in order to stay within their class values. This issue is the seed for all sort of different problems such as the dowry, the wedding, where are they going to live, etc. Also their very high expectation of the career of the brother who is proposing. Its as I said before, they expect a prince, prophet, nerd, scholar, doctor and engineer, rich, humble… etc which leads us to fear them rather than just trying to build bridges with them.

Many parents also object to the “religiosity” of the brothers. This of course due to the times that we live in nowadays. Not only that, but also due to the fact that they view a religious person to be a dumb, have nothing better to do, uneducated, and poor. This comes with the culture baggage that they brought with them from back home (where ever that maybe).

If you are an immigrant holding a visa (tourist or a student visa) your chances of getting married to a girl from here are slim to none. That is due to the fact that parents fear that they ONLY want to marry their daughter for the “papers”. Though this maybe true in some cases, I object to having this believe as a default of all my immigrant brothers and sisters. Some of them are sincere and really want to marry your daughters for the sake of marrying her not for the papers, or to be more exact, not entirely for the papers.

I remember Shaykh Yasir Qadhi in a ICNA conference in Houston (May of 2007) said that he believes that it is permissible for the father to ask “how much money do you have saved up beta?” question. I can tell you right now, most of us “single brothers” are not well established enough to have saved up big sums of money to show to our inlaws. This is very important because parents tend to forget that the brother might be very comfortable financially in few years, but cant wait to get married for few years.

In my mind, if I were to be asked this question, I would reply back and say, Uncle, when you married your wife, how much money did you have in your account?  Of course that will result to an automatic rejection, but that is besides the point.

There is more to be said about this, but maybe inshaAllah we can elaborate on it in a future post.

Our view about the prospect wife:

I will list the top 10 things single “religious or wana-be religious” brothers look for in their future wife: This doesn’t come from a “scientific survey” but based on the views of a few brothers from different background racially, educationally, religiously.

1- Physical Appearance. Though this was the first point almost all those I surveyed mentioned, some of them said that she has to be “GORGEOUS” and others said, she doesn’t have to be SUPER good looking, yet she has to be good looking enough.

2- Religiosity. This doesn’t only mean that she prays and fasts, but also includes her eagerness to learn her deen and act up on it.

3- She must be attracted to me (She has to like me, intellectually, physically, and every other aspect out there).

4- Manners. This is different that religiosity because she can pray yet disrespect her husband. That includes physical, psychological, or verbal abuse or disrespect. This also includes her treatment to our families specially our mothers.

5- Knows how to cook. I know that some sisters fantasize about having a husband who will cook for them, which by the way guys dont mind every once in a while, but the reality is that rarely when you find a guy who would do it all the time.

A wise lady said one time, the shortest way to a mans heart is his stomach. Just a word of advice for my single and married sisters.

6- Westernized, yet carries the traditional values.

7- Dresses Islamically. This varies from one single brother to the next. Some are cool with loose pants, others are strictly Abayas but the one common ground was Hijab.

8- Know how to support her husband. Unlike most of what my single sisters believe, men too need emotional support. They work all day and come to the house expected to spend time with their wives, listen to them, comfort them, take them out, make them feel all good but who is out there to make the man feels good?! Here is something for you think about.

9- Jealous, but not too jealous. Men always want to feel wanted and needed. A sense of jealousy from his wife gives him the feeling that she wants him. Of course if she is an extreme jealous person, then in this case, a second wife is due. haha joking people dont shoot me.

10- I can carry an intellectual conversation with her without the fear of being penalized for holding certain views. This goes out to my married brothers who told me that they “must” agree with their wives otherwise they usually spend the night on the couch.

Of course the order various from one person to the next and of course this list does not apply to all the single brothers, but I guarantee you that at least 4 out of the 10 will be common in all what the single brothers are looking for in their future wives.

Finally, Our view about our own insecurities:

While I was asking some of the single brothers this question, I got a lot of long faces and no answers. I found out that its very hard for a man to discuss his own insecurities to others (at least to other men).

I guess this is a part of our “macho” mentality that we are not suppose to be weak in public or in front of anybody. This I will say, is one of our biggest insecurities. The fear to be looked down upon from other peers.

Though we wont admit it, single brothers try to impress the sisters by how they look. Single brothers feel very insecure about their weight, and physical appearance in general.

Single brothers fear the comparison to other single brothers when it comes to proposing to sisters. I can tell you countless stories of 2 (or more sometimes depending on the sister) brothers “competing” over a sister.

Assuming that the brother comes from a decent but not rich family, one fear that he wont be able to provide for her as her parents did. Which usually causes some brothers to stay single longer than average.

Finally, single brothers feel so insecure when it comes to understanding their future wives. We hear horror stories from married men (and if you married sisters ask your husbands, they will deny it because they actually want to sleep in peace tonight) about how its almost impossible to understand what women want or need.

Again, there is much more to be said about this topic, but due to the fact that some brothers refused to answer this question (refer to the first insecurity that i mentioned) i wasn’t able to get a comprehensive insight in to what single brothers view as their own insecurities.

To sum all this up, Muslims as a big community should be able to relate to our single brothers needs. If not, more family and social issues will start appearing. Issues such as fornication, depression, girls running away from their families house, Shiyook marrying girls without having wali (guardians), guys taking advantage of innocent girls, and much more. Ask the Shiyok and Psychologists about the cases that they see, I know of stories that are terrifying.

There are a lot of pressure on single brothers out there. Giving the society we live in, we are faced with sexual pressure to the max, add to that financial instability (given that the brother is in still in the beginning of his career), along with his own insecurities, one can conclude that making marriage harder is a lose-lose situation for the brothers and for the future inlaws. That is because the longer the brothers delay their marriage, the longer the sisters will stay single. So both ends will lose on a few years of their lives due to some materialisitic (which will soon be fixed once the brother jump starts his career) issues.

SOURCE

Dear Single and searching brothers! Get real!

This was a woman’s responds to blog post titled “The World from the view of a Single Brother” by br.Haytham on muslimmatters.org . She is actually a mother in her early forties and a into a matchmaking business with her husband.

Dear  & all the single brothers , LISTEN UP!
SubhanAllah, may I ask are you looking for a wife or a car? Reading your post was amusing & angering at the same time.Why? you ask, because I see too many times & believe me I have a fair amount of experience in the matchmaking bussiness,when I come across brothers who are asking us to help them in their wife search I always ready what they’re looking for & for almost half of them I inform my husband that I’m not going to even bother helping.
Reasons: 1. They give specs for age, weight, height, colour & looks. Hello!!! This is a human & not a car you’re buying!! Sorry we don’t have a production factory that can build you a model to suit.
2. Hmm, are you THAT good looking as what you’re asking for? Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder & will you be voted #1 on the next Top 10 Hunks chart?
3. Do you think YOU have all those qualities that you want in a prospective wife to have? ie. be able to hold an intellectual conversation, attracted to her in ALL aspects & likes what she likes?
4. What if she’s more into deen then you? Are you strong enough to be proud of her for it & support her in it?
5. She must be ‘westernised with traditional values’. What does this mean? I have an idea but could be wrong, so plz clarify.
6. Plz brs. do realise that not ALL sisters love to cook even though their mothers might be the best at it. So don’t expect a Martha Stewart in the kitchen unless you’re chef Ramsay
7. Support goes both ways. It’s not a one way street especially if she’s suppose to be some what westenised.
8.Jealousy goes both ways also.
9. Will she be given the same courtesy of not having you angry with her when her views are different from yours during an interlectual conversation? Most times it’s the other way round.As soon as a wife has a view on anything that is different from the husband, if she doesn’t shush up then it leads to an argument = he won’t speak to her for the night or more .
As for humor not all men have them. Sorry to say.
Also how many bros. are willing ot give up their time playing xbox & PSP & hanging out with their Bros. for their wives?
I know of too many bros. whose young wives are waiting for them at home to be with the husbands & talk but he doesn’t come home until fajr. All because they had a game going on & forgot he’ld be back in an hr. Men expect the wives to stop their social life to an extent & give up hanging with their freinds for the most part but don’t reciprocate.
Also don’t look for a sister btwn 16 & 23 when you’re hitting 30. Besides the HUGE age gap generally nowadays it doesn’t work out & there are very different mentalities & expectations. She wants to be romanced & he wants a more mature thinking woman.

So on behalf of all the sisters who only ask for a decent, hard working , caring & understanding man. I ask the single brothers to get back to reality!!!
UmmZainab

Source:

10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Wives

Source-Motoya Nakamura / The Oregonian

After my husband wrote the “10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Husbands,” he thought it would be interesting to add the other perspective.

So, I made a list of 10 habits that my husband has commented on over time that has produced positive changes in our relationship.  He is right, the first year of marriage is really about adapting and compromise.  We are shown our terrible habits (how did our parents put up with us?) and overtime you do fall into a groove.

But, don’t get too comfortable in your routine.  Adding some spice and maintaining some good habits will make a very successful and enjoyable marriage.  Some of these habits are similar to the “Muslim Husband Habits” but, some are just for us, girls.

1.      Stay Healthy and Get Outside!

This is by far the most important habit a Muslim Wife can do to make a successful marriage.   Before marriage, my husband and I were both active people.  He was an extreme biker and I played basketball for almost 10 years before we met.  After marriage and the onset of chores, work and family obligations, time for staying healthy was becoming low on our priority scale.

Over time, we both forgot the initial attraction we had for one another – an active, healthy lifestyle.  An active lifestyle brings many benefits from  clearing the mind from trivial matters to enjoying each other’s company in a different way.

As we have brought the active lifestyle back into our lives, we both realize we learn a lot about each other through activity.  For example, on our hikes we see the other person’s stamina and determination, in playing basketball, we see our competitiveness side, and in our daily walks we see each other’s stillness and appreciation for nature.

It is by far a crucial aspect of our relationship and one that really keeps us connected, alhamdulillah.

2.      Listen and Be Supportive

One of the best things a Muslim Wife can do for her husband is be supportive.  We all know the famous story of our Beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him; after receiving revelation, he came straight home to his nurturing wife, Sayyidina Khadija, may Allah be pleased with her.  She wasn’t on the phone with her girlfriend nor was she too busy on the computer, she was ready to comfort and listen.

For me, this starts as soon as your husband comes home through the door.  Greeting your husband with a salaam, a smile and a hug is sure to set a peaceful atmosphere right away.

A Muslim Wife is attentive to her husband’s needs.  If he is holding something in his hands, like groceries, take them from him, hand him a glass of juice or have some fruit or snacks readily available.  These small gestures show simple kindness and goes a long way.

If your husband had a hard day at work, the initial greeting will soothe him.  Thereafter, if he needs to vent about his boss or co-worker, listen to him.  A good listener asks questions, makes good eye contact and reassures with nods and affection.  Initially, take his side!  If things are said that you don’t agree with, wait until a better time to give advice.  The first initial response he is looking for is support and kindness from his wife, even if he is wrong.  Thereafter, of course you can give advice and guide.

Another tip – remember names of people your husband says.  A week later after the work problem is over, simply ask your husband, “Is everything okay with Michael, now?” He will be happy that you really listened by remembering names.

So, lend a good ear and your hearts will come closer together.

3.      Be Creative – Change is Good!

We like to change things around in our apartment every season.  This is as simple as changing the furniture into a different position, changing hanging pictures or de-cluttering old knick knacks.

Over time, my husband and I have become minimalists.  We like the clean counter-tops, things put away in drawers and cupboards, and we have a new distaste for random objects.  So, we minimize every season by giving away clothes, dishes and books.

We also change our “usual” eating spots at the table and seating in the living room.  We change our chores around too.  I usually cook and he washes the dishes, but lately we have been cooking together and then sharing the dishes too (I soap while he rinses).

We have about four or five home-cooked meals that we both enjoy and we basically just rotate them week to week.  But, after a while we add a new dish to the mix.  I’ll learn something new from mom or a girl friend and surprise him with it one night.

Small changes creates new growth and stimulation to your relationship without falling into boredom and we always feel like “we’ve just moved in” every time we change things around.

4.      Engage in Good Conversation – Learn New Things

Engaging in meaningful dialogue that does not consist of talking about family, friends or every day matters can boost your marriage.

Very easily we can fall into talking about what’s happening in our lives right now, which is fine and needed.  However, your relationship truly grows and tests new boundaries when you learn new things and share them with your spouse.

My husband shares new things he is always learning from blogging, marketing and computer stuff.  To be honest, this is foreign to me.  But, it is something that he is motivated by and by listening to him I have learned a lot of interesting things about it (and he has convinced me to write this article for example, lol.)

It’s nice to talk about the books or articles I’ve read and thought about with my husband so I can gain his perspective, learn about him and enrich my own.  At times, when we disagree on a topic, our persuasive strategies kick in, allowing for a good debate.

When other temporary things fall away that make you happy – a good conversation can last a life-time.

5.      Be Alive and Excited about Life

Do you remember the first time you met your husband?  Probably one of those awkward meetings or something.  But, I remember both of us being alive and happy.  We tried to look our best and be interesting too.  I don’t remember either of us letting all of our problems out!

I’ve met a few sisters in the last little while that exude a certain kind of sadness or worry or fear that they don’t even realize that they exude.  They actually walk around with a frown!

They might have a problem or concern that of course makes them look and feel a certain way, but over time if the sad state continues it can really dampen the best of relationships.

Yes, the honeymoon phase (they say it’s the two year mark) can reach it’s end – but it doesn’t have to!  If you find yourself bored and sad, then it is really up to you to make a change in the relationship.  If you are seriously upset about something, then seek help!

There are so many things to be excited and alive about in the world!  You might need a change in your circle of friends (who really do have a big influence on how you see and do things) or you might need a new hobby or need to get outside and get fresh air on a regular basis.

Being energetic and happy and willing to try new things with your husband is an important aspect of marriage.  Being grumpy and unmotivated can lead to a whole bunch of problems for both of you.  Find a new friend or a new hobby or a new book and get excited about life.  Your husband will notice the energy and cheerfulness in you and you could change the atmosphere of your home and relationship just by changing your mood.

6.      Have One Good Girl Friend (Or Mom) – Share your Problems with Grace

There are some things that you just need to tell a girl friend because she will just understand and some things you can only tell your husband and it is important to know the difference.

It is very easy to get so comfortable with our husbands that we share some  things with them that they really could be spared.  There is a certain kind of respect and dignity a husband needs to have.  And, sisters, there is a certain level of respect and dignity he also has for you, too.

I have seen too many times, sisters complaining about other sisters, their clothes or their characters to their husbands.  Please don’t do this!  Sharing secrets or worse the flaws of other sisters to your husbands is a big no-no, especially if the sister confided in you.  Even though you and your husband are a pair, your sister friend should not feel that everything she tells you is going straight to the husband!

This is not only gossip and forbidden in Islam, but boring and undignified to your husband.  Instead, having a good girl friend or even your mom or someone else you trust provides an excellent outlet to let out frustrations that can dampen a marriage or a husband’s mood or respect for you.

In the same vein, sisters should not tell other sisters their husband’s secrets!  It’s okay to seek advice but not in a way that can make your husband lose respect in front of your friend.

Your husband can be your best friend and will be with you to the very end, inshaAllah.  It is not worth it to lose your husband and what matters to him over a friend who no matter how close they are, can end up not being there for you in the end.

7.      Dress Up and Smell Good – Take Care of Your Outward and Inward Appearance

Finally, after years of searching for the “one” you are married!  You look into the face of your spouse and you think, “so it was you” that I was meant to marry.  And, the marriage chapter of your life begins.

Marriage is “half our deen” and now that there is this one man in your life, this is your chance to make it everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  And one fun thing a Muslim Wife can do is simply dress up and smell good.

I always think it’s interesting that sisters (and brothers) can be “frumpy” in their homes but as soon as they step out of the door they dress up and go all out.  Very often we dress up for the world (strangers who we don’t know or at our workplace) and sometimes we just let ourselves go in front of  family and our spouses.

I think it’s great that couples get so comfortable with each other that they can stay in their pajamas all day.  But, sisters, simply dressing up and smelling good can really uplift your husband’s appreciation of you and may make him dress up and smell good for you too.

If you are a stay-at-home sister/mom, yeah you can stay in your pajamas all day – but if you know your husband is coming home at 5:30, then change into something nice and put on some perfume at 5:00!

Taking care of personal hygiene and working on yourself inwardly is sure to add to your overall character.  Reading Quran, catching up on a Islamic lecture, praying and making heartfelt dua’a all add to the beauty of you.

So, strike a balance between the outward and the inward appearance of you and watch the positive benefits come into your marriage and family.

8.      Be Affectionate – Don’t Hold Back Your Love

I think culturally, many sisters can bring a lot of baggage to their marriages and it is not our fault because it’s the way we’ve all grown up.

Some of us have been too immersed in Western culture and seen all the movies that we have expectations of our husbands to act a certain way or we are the complete opposite where we have been so sheltered that marriage and the thought of living with a boy (when you are married) is strange and almost – wrong!

And, it is strange.  All of our lives, sisters grow up in the homes of parents only to leave them (quite suddenly) to live with a complete stranger (most people only know each other for a short while before they get married.)

But, the truth of the matter is that marriage is a noble sunnah that is one of the most beautiful aspects of our deen.  And, one of the best things a Muslim Wife can do is to be affectionate, even if it has to be learned over time.  This is your husband now.  The one man that you married and will be married to for ever, inshaAllah.  Be affectionate with your husband, whatever that means to you, and the affection will lead to a closer and more connected relationship.

Human touch, whether it be holding hands or a hug, leads to Mercy (Rahma) in relationships whether it is with your husband, sister friends or even your parents.  So, be affectionate often and reap the benefits.

9.      Go the Extra Mile – He’ll Notice (Hopefully)

Going the extra mile means doing something for your husband that goes above and beyond what he expects of you.

If he asked you to make a meal for his family, it means you go all out and make the dishes with care and effort.

If you are going out for a special day, it means you take time to find the right outfit and perhaps wear it a bit differently than he is used to.  It could mean sending him a random text message to say you are thinking of him or a random e-card.

It could mean spending extra time listening to him talk to you about his concerns without you changing the subject.  It could mean baking home-made cookies, inviting him on a special day you have planned, making him a gift or cleaning his desk space.

It could mean wearing earrings if you normally don’t at home, or giving him free time to work-out or for his hobby, or even helping him get ready in the morning with a packed lunch with a nice note inside.

The ideas are endless and with a bit of extra time and effort, your husband will appreciate the little details you’ve paid attention to, inshaAllah.

10. Say “Thank You” – Be Grateful for Small and Big Things

One of the hadiths that scare me to death is the one that says, “The majority of hell is made up of women who were ungrateful to their husbands.” Yikes!

So, say thank you every night to your husband before you go to sleep for anything and everything that he has done for you.  Don’t overlook things you have got used to like him buying groceries, helping out with dishes, listening to your problems or simply going to work everyday.

Remember the big things and the small things and soon all small things will turn into big things for you, inshaAllah.

Thank him sincerely: “Thank you for helping with the dishes because it really cuts the time out I have to spend in the kitchen.” Rather than simply saying thank you, explain yourself to him and tell him why it’s important to you and that you noticed.

He will feel happy that he could help and may make him feel like doing it even more for you!  Most importantly, give thanks to Allah, most Generous, and He will increase your marriage even more, inshaAllah.

Parting Thoughts

This list is a reminder first to myself before I send them to you.  All of these are from experience of being married for almost three years now.  You may agree or disagree, but these are just some things that have helped the both of us over time.

And, we are always learning and growing and making mistakes, alhamdulillah, it’s all part of the journey.  Feel free to share more insight or your own tips with us in the comments below.

InshaAllah, may Allah pour blessing upon blessing into all our marriages!  Ameen!

SOURCE:

Coping with a Co-Wife

these are models...just an image i felt could depict the topic 🙂

There is a hadith that says that The Prophet (saw) said:

No man loves another for Allah’s sake without his Lord who is Great and Glorious honoring him (Ahmed)

And

The action dearest to Allah Most High is love for Allah’s sake and hatred for Allah’s sake.

It is natural for a first wife to have uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings towards her husband’s second wife. Likewise the most obvious focus of a first wife’s anger is towards the second wife. The first wife should try her utmost to control these feelings whenever they come.  She should attempt to treat the second wife as any other sister, with kindness.  Allah the Almighty knows how difficult these simple acts can be.  However, when we think about the hadith that says that one of the categories of people that will be under Allah’s shade on the Day of Judgement is the one who loves someone only for the sake of Allah, we have a great incentive to struggle our hardest in this effort.  On a day when some people will be sweating up to their necks, we might be in the pleasure of our Lord’s shade.

The above-mentioned hadith are so important to remember.  Our sole reason for being here is to please Allah.  All of our words and bodily actions should be for Allah.  We say this several times a day during tashahood. We should try to disregard our emotional feelings and force ourselves to act according to the way that Allah would want us to.   This includes treating those we many have problems with in the best way in spite of our disagreements.  We should swallow hard and push ourselves to give all of our brothers and sisters their rights.

Giving salaams when we would rather not, smiling when we prefer to scowl, are all ways of showing love for someone only for the pleasure of Allah.  These situations put us in a position where we know in our heart that our actions are solely to please our Lord.  We are truly doing it only for Allah.

Of course none of us is perfect.  Sometimes we fall short of what Allah might demand of us.  When this happens we should follow up our bad deeds with good deeds.  If we utter something we should not say or do something we should not do, it would be good to send over a gift or some food. On the authority of Muaadh bin Jabal The Prophet said:

“Fear Allah wherever you are, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed—and it will wipe it out.  And behave well towards people.”

Make dua for the sister.  When this is done, the angels make the same dua’ for us. We should attempt to increase our good deeds in general. We can write letters or notes asking for forgiveness for transgressions we may have done that were wrong.  We never know when Allah may take us back to Him. On the Day of Judgment we will be happy we tried our best to do these things, insha’Allah.

One hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said:

Reviling a Muslim is disobedience, to fight him is infidelity.

We are all human.  But we are Muslim humans.  The difference between the disbelievers and us is that we submit our wills to Allah.  Bickering and the like should be avoided to the best of our abilities.  It may not always be the first wife who instigates problems, though.  Sometimes it might be the second.  One hadith says:

When two men revile one another, what the say is laid to the charge of the one who began it, so long as the one who is wronged does not go over the score. (Muslim)

Allah says in the Quran, retaliate equally, but forgiveness is better.  Retaliation for wrongdoing is allowed in Islam so long as we don’t go beyond the original harm done to us.  However, being able to forgive is best of all and Allah knows best.

The prophet (saw) used to say according to a hadith:

Oh Allah I seek refuge in You from objectionable character, deeds, passions and disease. (Tirmidhi)

Some sisters feel less of a good Muslim because they see other co-wives who seem to get along together better than they.  But perceptions can sometimes be deceiving.  There have been times when people have complimented me on how well my husband’s second wife and I got along. They were unaware of the difficulties we experienced in privacy. You may sincerely be doing the best you can. That’s all a person can do.  May Allah help us all to please Him more.  I personally do believe that the perception of the two sisters getting along can possibly be a good sign.  It might be an indication that the wife is trying her utmost to please Allah, and in spite of her struggles with her lower desires, she is still able to strive in Allah’s path and function in an Islamic manner.  Any sister who can interact amicably with the second wife, be it in public or private, should look at it as a blessing from her Lord.

Because of the resentment the first wife may have towards the second for marrying her husband, she might sometimes seek out reasons to argue with the second wife.   Much of this may be subconscious.  But a large amount may be quite conscious.  Restraint and patience is necessary in dealing with these feelings, because once you get started down this road, the situation can escalate to become unIslamic.  And once you do one thing inappropriate, it becomes easier to do others. Seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan, make dua for Allah to help you to control yourself and have patience.

Because of the highly delicate situation between the first and second wives, the manner of solving problems may have to take on unusual approaches.  Some wives don’t have a compatible relationship where they are able to solve problems among themselves.  Any opportunity to problem resolution is bound to end up in harsh words.  Resolutions through husbands or a third party may be best for these wives.  For instance, if the first wife has a problem with the way the other sister treats the first wife’s children, rather than confront the other sister she can inform her husband of the problem and ask him to solve it.

Also, it might be a wise idea to disallow calls to one another’s home.  Phone calls are often made in feigned need but are really expressions of resentment and are intended to make trouble.  Many times calls are made to anger the other parties or to interrupt activities or the serenity of the other household.  A third party that can honestly be trusted could be used as an intercessor that can convey from one household to another of any serious emergencies.  Most issues I have found can really wait.  For instance if the stove or refrigerator stops working at night, the problem could be discussed with the husband the following day when he comes to your home or goes to work. Now that cell phones are in vogue, they can be used to help in these types of situations.  The husband can turn his phone mode to “message only” when he’s at either home and check it for messages.

Of course wives may use their husbands to get back at one another, too.  They may “tell” on the other wife to get on the better side of the husband.  There certainly are no clear-cut answers as to how to resolve problems among co-wives.  One can only fear Allah and act to the best of one’s abilities.  If all of this sounds a bit childish and immature then be advised–Polygamy is a situation that can bring out feelings and behaviors in a first wife that she never thought she had.  Jealousy, anger, pain and hurt are emotions that block reason, promote insecurity, and open the door to Shaitan.  This is all part of the trial of polygamy.  The Prophet’s (saw) wives experienced jealousy between themselves.  There’s even a hadith where Ali, The Prophet’s son-in-law was contemplating marriage to Abu Jahl’s daughter while he was still married to Fatimah, The Prophet’s (saw) daughter.  The Prophet said that Fatimah and Abu Jahl’s daughter could not be married to Ali at the same time.  He stated that what hurts Fatimah hurts him and he didn’t want her trialed in her religion. (Bukhari.)  I was informed that the scholars differ as to the understanding of this hadith but that one of the understandings was that The Prophet  (saw) did not want Fatimah to be trialed in her religion with jealousy from polygamy.

The issue of jealousy is an interesting one to address because the husband plays such a crucial part in this area.  A wife cannot really force her husband to be fair.  And most women are uncomfortable with complaining to an elder relative or leader of the community to get their rights, although if the situation is serious enough, that may be her only recourse.  The areas where a wife can become jealous are innumerable.  They can range from the amount of extra time—even minutes—that the husband spends with the other wife to gifts, groceries, or type of home and furnishings.  Even his demeanor with the other wife can become a source of jealousy. The list can go on and on.

Jealousies over what Allah may have bestowed upon one and not on the other come in to play as well.  A hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said look at the one below you not above you so that you will be thankful for Allah’s favors on you.  Certainly there may be some characteristics that the other wife may have that the first wife will desire to have.  If you contemplate the issue, however, there are sure to be things that you have that the other lacks.  Physical appearance is just one focus of mutual jealousies, but think about other assets Allah may have blessed you with.  Temperament, cooking abilities, crafts, mental talents, education, child rearing and many other skills and qualities are areas you may be more blessed in than the other sister.  In the end, though, the most important quality to be thankful for is your level of faith, which manifests itself through your deeds.

To the best of your ability try not to be suspicious.  There is a hadith where The Prophet (saw) said avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the most lying form of talk (Bukhari, Muslim).  It is best to take the best conjecture and assume there is a reasonable excuse for your husband’s behavior.  Questioning your husband may be the inevitable recourse to allay your concerns and fears of unfairness.  Tactfulness and proper timing are highly suggested.  Most husbands, I would imagine truly fear Allah and don’t want any problems between their wives.  For these reasons most husbands try to be fair.  There may be times when he falls short of his duty.  The wife can handle this in a number of ways.  She may choose to discuss her observations with her husband, or she may decide to overlook it with the hope of receiving Allah’s reward.  The severity of the circumstances may dictate a sister’s actions.  I will say that sometimes if problems are left unsettled and not discussed, they can build to a crescendo to where the sister may be inclined to express herself in an inappropriate manner.

The two sisters themselves should certainly avoid doing things that would arouse jealousy in the other.  The temptation to retaliate is quite strong.  And after all, there are enough naturally occurring problems in polygamy, creating them is a waste of energy and blessings.

Jealousy, anger, anguish and pain are all feelings that a first wife in polygamy is likely to feel.  Whenever you feel these uncomfortable emotions remember, your sins are being forgiven, insha’Allah.  Allah tests those he loves in this life so that they will have paradise in the hereafter.

You may find that your relationship with your co-wife may have ups and downs as with many other personal relationships.  For months you may manage to get along well, other times you may not be on the best of terms.  All of this is part of the trial of polygamy.

Personally I have come to the conclusion that it is best for me to be on “salaams” terms and that is it.  I have no other interaction with the sister beyond that.  I have found that it closes the door to any opportunity where I might say what I should not say or do what I should not do.

When trying to deal with and interact with the other wife it may help to try to see the person as a whole with weaknesses, pain, vulnerabilities, having a mother and father and the like.  Too often first wives focus on only one aspect of the second wife. They see them only as the woman who married their husband.  I personally have a problem in this area.

SOURCE

One Critical Mistake A Single Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage

A while ago, a father came to me for help with finding a potential husband for his daughter. So, I asked him to share her marriage resume with me.

A couple of days later, her father brought me a marriage resume.  After looking through her marriage resume, which was quite long, I told the father:

“I thought you wanted me to look for a potential husband for your daughter, not a job!”

What she described in all those pages could be summarized in two letters: MD.

So, how did she really need to describe herself?

That’s the focus of this article, and that’s just one of the three critical mistakes Sister Megan Wyatt and I shared with everyone very recently in this webinar.

From my years of teaching on the topic of love and marriage, and counseling singles, married couples, and their parents, I can tell you this:

By knowing about this one critical mistake, you will, in sha Allah, learn how to speak about yourself in a way that attracts the kind of brother you are searching for, allows you to keep at bay the brothers you do not want knocking on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the very kind of person you are seeking.

Now, let’s get into the details of that one mistake.

When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to do the following:

“Describe yourself in a few sentences so I could in turn describe you to a brother who I think may be a potential suitor.”

Almost every sister told her what she does not want in a marriage; the kind of brother she does not want to meet. Hardly anyone actually answered the question. The few sisters who did answer gave short, one-liner responses.

The realization was this: many sisters have no idea how to present themselves.

You may be trying to get married in a way that worked in the past, while you are not like the women of the past.

Sixty to seventy years ago, even in this country, a woman’s role in marriage was clear.

Today, at the age of 19 or 20, most Muslim women expect to complete at a minimum a college degree before getting married.

Along with that degree, there is the question of whether or not you want a career, or perhaps just to dabble in the workforce for some time. Do you want to pursue grad school, and if so, who will take care of the kids, if you have any?

We are looking at this without judgment — however, there is something essential to be understood:

The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, in sha Allah.

And we have also learned that many of you want to do just that: get married, and eventually, be there for your family and children in a more “traditional” role.

Now, many brothers are willing to be flexible to a point, but if you ask most of them their preference, this is what they want…

…leading us to that critical mistake:

Not knowing how to describe yourself for marriage.

What happens when the first thing you say about yourself, or your friend says about you is:

“She is 26 years old, and has a degree in chemistry, and she is currently in grad school.” Or, “…is working in a lab called xyz.”

From the brother’s perspective, he hears a description that says little (or nothing) about what he is looking for in a wife, aside from “educated.”

Let’s take another example:

“She is strong and active in Da’wah, is working on memorizing the Qur’an, has a degree in journalism, and teaches in her local Sunday school.”

Again, excellent qualities. It says a bit more about you, but still, for a brother: what is it that he is seeking?

The difficult reality is that brothers are looking for specific qualities, and when they hear them, it alerts them that this is the kind of sister worth considering.

But what happens if no one is describing you in a way, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?

The idea of sitting around and waiting for others to find you someone is an option, but it is not necessarily the most proven option, especially these days.

Many brothers are asking other sisters to help them find a wife, because their families may be abroad, or their parents don’t share the same kind of values as them in terms of the deen.

The fact is that today both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse on their own, which means that you may need to learn how to represent yourself to some degree — to explain who you are, and what you want in a husband.

So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, while also telling him about me in a way that interests him?

So many sisters write about themselves as if they are looking for a pen pal! Seriously.

We sifted through the marriage resumes and bio-data of many sisters that we found online. (That’s another point altogether — having full access to a sister’s photo and her details available to complete strangers, without even having to log in!)

Let’s share two examples:

“I currently work as a Respiratory Practitioner and I intend on pursuing my Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. My hobbies include spending time with family and friends, taking road trips, and traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine! I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.”

“My sister is 26 years old. She is a graduate of ABC University. Currently she is working as a chemist in a big name company. She is a great person with an open mind and a great heart. I am so glad that Allah (swt) blessed me with such a great sibiling. I love her and inshallah if you choose her you will know why she is so great. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with a great smile. She is not a TV person. She is independent. We are 2 brothers and 2 sisters. XYZ is no. 3 in our little family. I am the older, married sister and I want to help my sister also get married so she can enjoy life like I am doing.”

We got bored reading through these. If we were searching for our own brother, we would think: “Forget this! Everyone sounds the same. Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are a nice and caring person.”

So, what makes those two examples bad?

Reading through thousands of ads like that, here are just a few qualities that we found common in all of them:

• Vague
• Too long (too many details)
• Not to the point
• Confused or overconfident
• Too personal
• Too professional
• Too flirtatious
• Too good to be true
• Too girlish
• Too picky (race, culture, qualities etc.)
• Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
• Suspicious

On the other hand, what are the qualities that are common in good descriptions or marriage resumes?

• Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
• Balanced in personality and professionalism
• Family first
• To the point
• Very clear language (Accurate spelling and good choice of words)
• Natural flow of thoughts

If you’re serious about really getting this concept, we’d like you do a quick exercise (without anyone’s help, just by yourself).

First part of the exercise (three questions):

1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.

2) Write down 3-5 sentences about what kind of man you are looking for.

3) Write in only one sentence what you will not consider in a man.

It is important that you know how to speak about yourself confidently.  It is not humility to be unable to describe yourself, and just smile and fumble over words.

Oftentimes, when we think we are acting humbly we are actually attempting to hide our lack of self-esteem and lack of recognition of the qualities that Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has given us to share with others.

Remember: you are not going around praising yourself; you are describing yourself for marriage. Think about it.

Now, for the second part of the exercise:

Go back and re-read your answers and ask yourself the following:

1) How true are the things I just wrote down? Is this really me? Is this how my friends and family would describe me?

2) What have I said that would be interesting to the kind of brother I am looking to meet?

As you think about the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you would choose, you will find that you may have some of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will like and you may have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will not like.

Being too personal is not a good idea.  Same is true for being too professional.

Whatever the case is, the keyword you need to remember is: “balance.”

Here is the key concept, the bottom line: Learn how to speak about yourself, learn how to describe yourself in a way that allows you to be confident, and beautiful in your modesty, that will connect with the words and thoughts in the mind of your Mr. Right.

Think about how you want to present yourself — the qualities you want to highlight which matter a lot to him, not what makes you fall in love with your own self!

After all, you are looking for a husband, someone from the opposite gender (not a female friend or a buddy).

Just a side note: if you do use a picture in a marriage resume (with permission from your wali!), please do not try to look like America’s next top hijabi model like the ones you see online, and particularly on the infamous Facebook.  Too many sisters try puckering their lips, looking over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. which turns off the kind of practicing man you are really seeking.

So, stick to a photo that has hayaa in the image; something normal and natural.

While you are searching for your Mr. Right, remember that in these moments there must be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we are to believe that there is an advantage to every situation in which we find ourselves.

Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself:

“I’m not married, although I’ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?”

We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, first and foremost, because Allah loves those who have patience, and He is close to those who have sabr.

We ask Allah to bring into your life the kind of husband you are searching for, and to allow your journey from start to finish to be a means of growing closer to Allah, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels of eman.

SOURCE

100 Premarital Questions

Ask Ask Ask Ask.. asking rare fails when it coming to knowing… Especially to those seeking for a spouse. You know marriage is a lifetime thing and you don’t want to be another statistic under divorce rate.

Also take notes if possible, of their answers so you can reflect on it later  and please don’t rush the questioning so you don’t bore the person you are asking.

Dont forget to ask Allah first!

Have fun !

ma salam

1. What is your concept of marriage?

2. Have you been married before?

3. Are you married now?

4. What are you expectations of marriage?

5. What are your goals in life? (long and short term)

6. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near

future.

7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.

8. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?

9. What is the role of religion in your life now?

10. Are you a spiritual person?

11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?

12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?

13. What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims

community in your area?

14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?

15. What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?

16. What is the role of the husband?

17. What is the role of the wife?

18. Do you want to practice polygamy?

19. What is your relationship with your family?

20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your

spouse to be?

21. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to

be?

22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?

23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in

the future?

24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour,

what should be done?

25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)

26. How did you get to know them?

27. Why are they your friends?

28. What do you like most about them?

29. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?

30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?

32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after

marriage?

33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with

your friends?

34. What are the things that you do in your free time?

35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?

36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to

the house?

37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do

not understand? (with friends or family)

38. Do you travel?

39. How do you spend your vacations?

40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?

41. Do you read?

42. What do you read?

43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic

feelings verbally?

44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in

public?

45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?

46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor

for you?

47. Do you like to write your feelings?

48. If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?

49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to

you?

50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?

51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your

life?

52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?

53. Do your friends use foul language?

54. Does your family use foul language?

55. How do you express anger?

56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?

57. What do you do when you are angry?

58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in

marriage?

59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise,

how should the conflict get resolved?

60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?

62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?

63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?

64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before

marriage?

65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?

66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?

67. What is you definition of wealth?

68. How do you spend money?

69. How do you save money?

70. How do you think that your use of money will change after

marriage?

71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to

eliminate them?

72. Do you use credit cards?

73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?

74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?

75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?

76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?

77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?

78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?

79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?

80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?

81. Do you want to have children? If not, how come?

82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?

83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage?

If not, when?

84. Do you believe in abortion?

85. Do you have children now?

86. What is your relationship with your children now?

87. What is your relationship with their other parent?

88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your

children and their parent?

89. What is the best method(s) of raising children?

90. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?

91. How were you raised?

92. How were you disciplined?

93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?

94. Do you believe in public school for your children?

95. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?

96. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?

97. What type of relationship should your children have with

non-Muslim classmates/friends?

98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if

they lived in another state or country?

99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with

all their grandparents?

100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are

of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you

want to have with them?

Source: http://www.jannah.org

Seeking spouses: physical attraction

Are you ready to complete your deen? This is an insight on the role of  “physical attraction” on  when seeking for a spouse – by Baba Ali! for your understanding…

Women Discover the Secrets of a Happy Marriage

If you were to ask a girl who has not yet been married about the secrets of a happy marriage, she would consider it a strange question, because she is not married or because she might give a romantic dreamy answer that embodies her dreams, ideals and needs rather than reality.

Hence, if we want to discover these secrets, we should ask married women who have real experience, because the answers of such women will be more credible, practical, and realistic. Their answers would be guiding signs on the way of those who have not yet married, and useful advice to wives who have not discovered these secrets and still need to reconsider their marital relationship.

Compliment Your Husband

Randa Ahmad, who has been married for 17 years, advises every bride-to-be saying,

– To lead a happy, stable married life, you have to love your husband and understand his nature. Understanding the nature of your husband enables you to please him. Of course, this will not happen overnight; the longer you live with him, the more you will understand him.

–      It is very important to be humble with him and to pay him a compliment every now and then. By doing this, you will make him happy and lead a happy, stable life with him.

Your Husband’s Weaknesses

Saamiyah Ahmad, a housewife who has been married for 25 years, says to every girl and wife,

– Know the weaknesses of your life partner; care for him, be thoughtful, and make him feel comfortable.

–      If your husband likes food, master the art of cooking to make the most delicious dishes. If he loves his family, be kinder to them than he is.

Madeenah Raashid, a housewife who has been married for 57 years, offers the fruit of her long experience, saying:

–      Cherish your husband in hard times as well as in the good ones. Respect whatever he says and maintain good relations with his family, especially his mother, and you will win him easily.

Say, “I love you”

Muneerah Abdul-Hameed, a working wife who has been married for 30 years, says,

–      Dialogue, mutual understanding, love, and confidence. A husband can have his wife at his disposal just if he says to her “I love you”. This simple phrase will make her give you all her love, tenderness and care.

Umm Yoosuf is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She says,

– First, you have to know that the marriage is not just a honeymoon. Marriage is a heavy responsibility that a woman has to be well-prepared for. An intelligent woman understands the nature of her husband and acts according to that nature, along with sharing his ambitions and hobbies. However, this should be within the proper limits without intruding upon your husband.

Adherence to Islam

Ameenah At-Turki, an Indonesian woman who has been married for 15 years, says,

A wife has to know her duties towards her husband as defined by the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. She has to always remember the saying of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”

Widaad Al-Qaseer has been married for 15 years. She says,

My mother used to tell me not to compare in order not to despair. I say the same thing to all girls: if you want to lead a happy life with your husband, you have to be content with what Allaah The Almighty has granted you. If you do this, you will realize how you are truly blessed by Allaah The Almighty. Otherwise, you will never be happy no matter how hard your husband may try to please you.

Ask Your Husband

Nawaal Muhammad, a Saudi housewife who has been married for 17 years, says,

Obedience is the key to a man’s heart, and then truthfulness with him, as it generates confidence between you and him. Certainly, confidence is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. Take care of your beauty and ask your husband, from time to time, about what he wants from you and what you should do to please him. In this way, you will find out what makes him happy and what makes him unhappy.

Jameelah Muhammad Ali is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She advises all young women, saying,

Men are all alike. All they need is delicious food, a clean, quiet house, and an obedient wife who takes care of her husband and of her beauty. This is all you have to do in order to live happily with your husband. Also, do not forget that you have to bear with him when he is angry and to support him if the going gets tough.

Your In-Laws

‘Aaydah Hanafi has been married for 37years and this is what she has to say,

– Save your husband’s money, never disclose his secrets, not even to the closest people to you, and treat his mother just like you treat yours.

‘Aaydah’s daughter, Naahid Muhammad, a teacher who has been married for 13years, agrees with her mother. She says,

-A wife has to create a good image of her husband in the eyes of her family. Never verbally abuse your husband. Deal with him calmly and politely. With regard to times when there are severe disagreements, a wife has to be clever enough to win her husband’s love and respect.

Aay Noor is an Algerian housewife. She has been married for 30 years. She is shedding light on being a good example and advises the family rather than the wife-to-be or the husband-to-be. She says,

– My advice to all mothers is to teach their daughters how to win the love of their husbands. Teach your daughter how to take you as an example through the way you deal with her father and vice versa. Never interfere with your children’s life after they are married. You should let them lead their own life and learn from their own experience.

Naadyah Abdulmajeed, who has been married for 18 years, advises all wives, saying,

Never belittle your husband, respect his wishes and allow him to act freely. It is wrong to try to discuss something with your husband when he is angry, or to tell him about the problems of the house and the children immediately after he returns from work. You have to choose the proper time for everything. Make him respect you, maintain your dignity with him and do not let him see your tears, except rarely, so that they would not lose their effect on him.

Graduation Certificate in the Kitchen

The famous American journalist, Norma Vincent Peale, Editor in Chief of Guideposts Magazine, who is a wife with three children and seven grandchildren, says that a woman who wants to be happily married has to realize that marriage is the law of life. She adds that with this spirit, a wife will succeed in her attempts to adapt according to her husband’s needs. All that concerns husbands is to see a clean, tidy house, a table full of the food they like, clean clothes whenever they want and some personal things such as the morning newspaper. She says that a skilful wife is the one who takes care of these needs so as to keep her husband’s smile. She says that some husbands like to see their wives in their full adornment and femininity, while others prefer moderate adornment. She adds that the role of the clever wife is to do what her husband expects of her.

Peale maintains that a wife has to make her family the first priority in her life and to sacrifice any position or job for the sake of her husband and children. She says that she once visited a friend and saw her university certificate hung in the kitchen. When she asked her why she did this, her friend replied that the kitchen was the best place for a bachelor’s degree because it is the place where she can make use of what she has learned to master performing her duties as an ideal mother and wife.

SOURCE: http://www.islamweb.net/womane/nindex.php?page=readart&id=149417

If you were to ask a girl who has not yet been married about the secrets of a happy marriage, she would consider it a strange question, because she is not married or because she might give a romantic dreamy answer that embodies her dreams, ideals and needs rather than reality.

Hence, if we want to discover these secrets, we should ask married women who have real experience, because the answers of such women will be more credible, practical, and realistic. Their answers would be guiding signs on the way of those who have not yet married, and useful advice to wives who have not discovered these secrets and still need to reconsider their marital relationship.

Compliment Your Husband

Randa Ahmad, who has been married for 17 years, advises every bride-to-be saying,

– To lead a happy, stable married life, you have to love your husband and understand his nature. Understanding the nature of your husband enables you to please him. Of course, this will not happen overnight; the longer you live with him, the more you will understand him.

– It is very important to be humble with him and to pay him a compliment every now and then. By doing this, you will make him happy and lead a happy, stable life with him.

Your Husband’s Weaknesses

Saamiyah Ahmad, a housewife who has been married for 25 years, says to every girl and wife,

– Know the weaknesses of your life partner; care for him, be thoughtful, and make him feel comfortable.

– If your husband likes food, master the art of cooking to make the most delicious dishes. If he loves his family, be kinder to them than he is.

Madeenah Raashid, a housewife who has been married for 57 years, offers the fruit of her long experience, saying:

– Cherish your husband in hard times as well as in the good ones. Respect whatever he says and maintain good relations with his family, especially his mother, and you will win him easily.

Say, “I love you”

Muneerah Abdul-Hameed, a working wife who has been married for 30 years, says,

– Dialogue, mutual understanding, love, and confidence. A husband can have his wife at his disposal just if he says to her “I love you”. This simple phrase will make her give you all her love, tenderness and care.

Umm Yoosuf is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She says,

– First, you have to know that the marriage is not just a honeymoon. Marriage is a heavy responsibility that a woman has to be well-prepared for. An intelligent woman understands the nature of her husband and acts according to that nature, along with sharing his ambitions and hobbies. However, this should be within the proper limits without intruding upon your husband.

Adherence to Islam

Ameenah At-Turki, an Indonesian woman who has been married for 15 years, says,

A wife has to know her duties towards her husband as defined by the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. She has to always remember the saying of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”

Widaad Al-Qaseer has been married for 15 years. She says,

My mother used to tell me not to compare in order not to despair. I say the same thing to all girls: if you want to lead a happy life with your husband, you have to be content with what Allaah The Almighty has granted you. If you do this, you will realize how you are truly blessed by Allaah The Almighty. Otherwise, you will never be happy no matter how hard your husband may try to please you.

Ask Your Husband

Nawaal Muhammad, a Saudi housewife who has been married for 17 years, says,

Obedience is the key to a man’s heart, and then truthfulness with him, as it generates confidence between you and him. Certainly, confidence is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. Take care of your beauty and ask your husband, from time to time, about what he wants from you and what you should do to please him. In this way, you will find out what makes him happy and what makes him unhappy.

Jameelah Muhammad Ali is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She advises all young women, saying,

Men are all alike. All they need is delicious food, a clean, quiet house, and an obedient wife who takes care of her husband and of her beauty. This is all you have to do in order to live happily with your husband. Also, do not forget that you have to bear with him when he is angry and to support him if the going gets tough.

Your In-Laws

‘Aaydah Hanafi has been married for 37years and this is what she has to say,

– Save your husband’s money, never disclose his secrets, not even to the closest people to you, and treat his mother just like you treat yours.

‘Aaydah’s daughter, Naahid Muhammad, a teacher who has been married for 13years, agrees with her mother. She says,

-A wife has to create a good image of her husband in the eyes of her family. Never verbally abuse your husband. Deal with him calmly and politely. With regard to times when there are severe disagreements, a wife has to be clever enough to win her husband’s love and respect.

Aay Noor is an Algerian housewife. She has been married for 30 years. She is shedding light on being a good example and advises the family rather than the wife-to-be or the husband-to-be. She says,

– My advice to all mothers is to teach their daughters how to win the love of their husbands. Teach your daughter how to take you as an example through the way you deal with her father and vice versa. Never interfere with your children’s life after they are married. You should let them lead their own life and learn from their own experience.

Naadyah Abdulmajeed, who has been married for 18 years, advises all wives, saying,

Never belittle your husband, respect his wishes and allow him to act freely. It is wrong to try to discuss something with your husband when he is angry, or to tell him about the problems of the house and the children immediately after he returns from work. You have to choose the proper time for everything. Make him respect you, maintain your dignity with him and do not let him see your tears, except rarely, so that they would not lose their effect on him.

Graduation Certificate in the Kitchen

The famous American journalist, Norma Vincent Peale, Editor in Chief of Guideposts Magazine, who is a wife with three children and seven grandchildren, says that a woman who wants to be happily married has to realize that marriage is the law of life. She adds that with this spirit, a wife will succeed in her attempts to adapt according to her husband’s needs. All that concerns husbands is to see a clean, tidy house, a table full of the food they like, clean clothes whenever they want and some personal things such as the morning newspaper. She says that a skilful wife is the one who takes care of these needs so as to keep her husband’s smile. She says that some husbands like to see their wives in their full adornment and femininity, while others prefer moderate adornment. She adds that the role of the clever wife is to do what her husband expects of her.

Peale maintains that a wife has to make her family the first priority in her life and to sacrifice any position or job for the sake of her husband and children. She says that she once visited a friend and saw her university certificate hung in the kitchen. When she asked her why she did this, her friend replied that the kitchen was the best place for a bachelor’s degree because it is the place where she can make use of what she has learned to master performing her duties as an ideal mother and wife.

SOURCE: http://www.islamweb.net/womane/nindex.php?page=readart&id=149417

The manners of welcoming the new-born child in Islaam

{This is an important topic especially for the intending or new couples; who either do not know much or are in doubt on “what to do” or “why it is done”, when the joyful cry of the baby arrives. For me it has opened my eyes to some “why it’s done” and has increased my knowledge on this topic . So as usual i share for the sake of Allah.. happy reading …PEACE!}

Children are a source of delight and an adornment for the world granted by Allaah to their parents, they give vigour to the hearts, joy to the souls, pleasure to the eyes. They are the fruit from whom good is to be hoped for when they frequently supplicate:

“Our Lord! Bestow on them your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small”

and they are the ones in every nation upon whom hope for the future lies, and they are the youth of tomorrow upon whose shoulders the call to Islaam is carried. Indeed Islaam has indeed elevated the status of children and has laid down manners for their treatment relating to all their affairs and each stage of their and from these are the manners for welcoming their arrival in this life.

Our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was a living example, educating, cultivating the Muslims upon the practices of Islaam, teaching them how to worship their Lord in the best of ways. But a number of Muslims have strayed from his pure teachings and have substituted that which is gold for that which worthless.

So here are the manners the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) taught us with regards our new-born.

1) Encouragement to have Children

Allaah says, “So now have sexual relations with them,, and seek that which Allaah has ordained for you.”

And the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Marry the loving and fertile because through you, I will compete with the nations for superiority in numbers” (Abu Dawood)

And it is important that the Parents bring up their children upon righteousness, so that the Parents will benefit from them during their lives and after their death. Allaah’s Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“A servant will have his rank raised and will say, ‘O my Lord how has this come about for me?’ He says, ‘through your sons after you seeking forgiveness for you'” (ibn Maajah)

Know that what has preceded applies equally to both boys and girls, and indeed Islaam has encouraged the bringing up of girls, and Allaah condemns those that are distressed at the birth of a girl, and the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came elevating the status of this gift from Allaah,

“whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood – he and I will come together on the Day of Resurrection (like this) – and he interlaced his two fingers” (Muslim)

meaning in Paradise. So can their be a greater honour given to daughters?!

2) Giving the good news of the Birth

The near of kin who are anxiously waiting should be informed so that they can stop worrying and congratulate the parents and supplicate for the baby. Allaah mentions this good news being conveyed to a number of His Prophets, from them Zakariyyah of his son Yahya,

“Then the angels called him, while he was standing in prayer in a private room (saying), ‘Allaah gives you glad tidings of Yahya'”

3) Giving the Adhaan in the ear of the newborn

The first practice to do is to make the adhaan in the ear of the baby, so that the first words that the baby hears is the name of Allaah, and the kalima.

It is to be given straight after the birth, or very soon afterwards as he (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) did with his grandson al-Husayn, as is related by Abu Raafi’ who said,

“I saw the Prophet give the adhaan for prayer in the ear of al-Husayn ibn Alee when his mother Faatimah gave birth to him,” (Tirmidhee)

It should be given with it’s usual wording in a voice which is audible to the baby, not so loudly that it risks harm to the baby or alarms it.

Only the adhaan is to be given, not the iqaamah as well as there is no authentic evidence to support this. Giving the adhaan only is also the reported practice of the Khaleefah Umar bin Abdul Azeez. This is closer to the sunnah, and Allaah knows best.

The sunnah has not specified as to which ear it should be given, however the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to love to do good actions starting from the right, so it would be more appropriate to give the adhaan in the right ear.

4) The Tahneek

This means to softening a date and then rubbing the palate of the new-born with it just after the birth or soon after. This is done by putting a piece of the softened date on the finger and rubbing it from left to right in the mouth of the baby.

Ibn Hajr said, “if one is not able to find a dry date, then a fresh date should be used, and if that is not available then anything sweet.” (Fath 9/588)

It is not essential to chew the date rather it may be softened in any way. The action of chewing as reported in the sunnah was something specific to the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) due to the blessings that Allaah had placed in his saliva.

It is done by the father or the mother or anyone from the People of Knowledge whose supplication is hoped would be accepted. So he should perform tahneek and supplicate for the child as was the practice of the Companions.

Imaam Nawawee says, ” scholars are agreed upon the recommendation of performing tahneek upon the baby after it’s birth.” (Sharh Saheeh Muslim 4/122)

Aaishah (radiyallaahu ‘anha) reports, “new-born children used to be brought to the Messenger of Allaah and he would supplicate for blessings for them, and rub a chewed date upon their palate.” (Muslim)

5) Naming the child

The baby may be named on the day of it’s birth or later on the seventh day or past the seventh day, as this is what is clear after study of all the evidences from the sunnah.

It is the father or the mother who chose the name for the baby. If they differ amongst themselves then it is the father who has the choice, he may name it himself or give his wife the right to choose. The fact that this is the right of the father is shown by the principle that the child is ascribed and attributed to the father, as Allaah says,

“Call them (adopted sons) by (the names of) their fathers, that is more just in the Sight of Allaah”

It is also allowed for the parents to allow others to name the child, since our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) used to name some of the children of his Companions.

The name should carry a good and praiseworthy meaning as the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“On the Day of Resurrection, you will be called by your names and your fathers names, so make your names good.” (Abu Dawood)

It is recommended to call oneself a servant of Allaah (Abdullaah) or the servant of any of the names of Allaah. Then it is recommended to name a child after a prophet, due to the hadeeth,

“call yourselves by the names of the Prophets” (Abu Dawood)

and the hadeeth,

“a son was born to me this night and I called him after my forefather Ibraaheem” (Muslim)

Then it is recommended to name the child after any pious person in the hope that it will become like him/her. Then it is recommended to name by any name which has good meaning.

It is forbidden to name a child with a name that denote servitude to other than Allaah, for example Abd an-Nabi, Abd ar-Rasool etc, just as it is forbidden to name them with names that are particular to the Unbelievers like George, Michael, Susan etc.

The names of tyrants and evil personalities should be avoided such as Fir’awn, Qaroon, Abu Lahab etc.. Likewise it is disliked to name with the names of the Surahs of the Qur’aan like ‘Taa Haa’ or ‘Yaa Seen’ as is reported from Imaam Maalik and others. There is no authentic hadeeth which ascribes the above two as being names of the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

6) The Aqeeqah

After the seventh day of the arrival of the new-born, as a form of welcome for it and to give thanks to the One who gave the blessings, it is prescribed to slaughter a sheep. The Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“Every child is in pledge for it’s Aqeeqah which is sacrificed for it on its seventh day, and it is named on it, and its head is shaved” (Abu Dawood)

If the new-born is a boy then two sheep are to be sacrificed, and if it is a girl then one sheep. This is the position of the majority of the scholars and Companions. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,

“for the boy two equal sheep, and for the girl, a single sheep.” (Ibn Maajah)

So it is permissible to sacrifice the male or female sheep or goat, and this is best. As for sacrificing other animals then the scholars have differed over this.

The sacrifice should be done by the father or a close relative, for our Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) performed the Aqeeqah for his two grandsons. It is also obligatory to mention the name of Allaah over it while sacrificing, and if a close relative is performing the Aqeeqah then he should add, ‘this aqeeqah is the Aqeeqah of so and so’ mentioning the name of the person on whose behalf he is performing the aqeeqah, as is reported in the hadeeth related by al-Bayhaqee.

The meat of the sacrifice may be distributed cooked or uncooked,, but it is preferred that it should be cooked as this leads to greater blessing as mentioned by a group of the scholars.

7) Shaving the baby’s head

On the seventh day after the birth the head of the baby should be shaved. So when al-Hasan was born the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) told his daughter, Faatima (radiyallaahu ‘anha),

“shave his head and give the weight of his hair in silver to the poor” (Ahmad)

The right side of the head should be shaved first, then the left as mentioned in the hadeeth,

“shave, and he indicated to the right side of his head, and then the left” (Muslim)

It is not permissible to shave a part of the head and leave a part, as this was prohibited by the Messenger (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) as reported by al-Bukhaaree. The strongest view seems to be that the head of the boy or the girl should be shaved, as is reported that Faatimah weighed the hair of her daughter (Muwatta) but the scholars differ on this, and Allaah knows best.

The shaving should be done after the sacrifice, and our pious predecessors liked to rub some perfume over the baby’s head after the shaving.

Then it is prescribed to give the value of the baby’s weight of hair in silver in charity, and it is recommended to give this charity on the seventh day also, but it is not necessary to do so, and may be delayed.

8) Circumcision

It is prescribed that the boy be circumcised, it is recommended that the circumcision take place on the seventh day, but it is obligatory to circumcise before the boy reaches

SOURCE: PINK ISLAM

Children are a source of delight and an adornment for the world granted by Allaah to their parents, they give vigour to the hearts, joy to the souls, pleasure to the eyes. They are the fruit from whom good is to be hoped for when they frequently supplicate:

Creative ways to finding a spouse

When looking for a spouse you might need to use a BIG creative googles… because not all of us will be luck to find help from family or friends. Are you searching? Do you know what you want? Do you know how to get it? Lessons i got from this video below are:

• asking loads of question,
• knowing what you want and
• being real would get

You the right partner insha Allah. Enjoy Baba Ali ‘s interview on how he found his wife as a convert.

Video: How Baba Ali found his wife [premiere on IslamicTube]