Coping with a Co-Wife

these are models...just an image i felt could depict the topic 🙂

There is a hadith that says that The Prophet (saw) said:

No man loves another for Allah’s sake without his Lord who is Great and Glorious honoring him (Ahmed)

And

The action dearest to Allah Most High is love for Allah’s sake and hatred for Allah’s sake.

It is natural for a first wife to have uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings towards her husband’s second wife. Likewise the most obvious focus of a first wife’s anger is towards the second wife. The first wife should try her utmost to control these feelings whenever they come.  She should attempt to treat the second wife as any other sister, with kindness.  Allah the Almighty knows how difficult these simple acts can be.  However, when we think about the hadith that says that one of the categories of people that will be under Allah’s shade on the Day of Judgement is the one who loves someone only for the sake of Allah, we have a great incentive to struggle our hardest in this effort.  On a day when some people will be sweating up to their necks, we might be in the pleasure of our Lord’s shade.

The above-mentioned hadith are so important to remember.  Our sole reason for being here is to please Allah.  All of our words and bodily actions should be for Allah.  We say this several times a day during tashahood. We should try to disregard our emotional feelings and force ourselves to act according to the way that Allah would want us to.   This includes treating those we many have problems with in the best way in spite of our disagreements.  We should swallow hard and push ourselves to give all of our brothers and sisters their rights.

Giving salaams when we would rather not, smiling when we prefer to scowl, are all ways of showing love for someone only for the pleasure of Allah.  These situations put us in a position where we know in our heart that our actions are solely to please our Lord.  We are truly doing it only for Allah.

Of course none of us is perfect.  Sometimes we fall short of what Allah might demand of us.  When this happens we should follow up our bad deeds with good deeds.  If we utter something we should not say or do something we should not do, it would be good to send over a gift or some food. On the authority of Muaadh bin Jabal The Prophet said:

“Fear Allah wherever you are, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed—and it will wipe it out.  And behave well towards people.”

Make dua for the sister.  When this is done, the angels make the same dua’ for us. We should attempt to increase our good deeds in general. We can write letters or notes asking for forgiveness for transgressions we may have done that were wrong.  We never know when Allah may take us back to Him. On the Day of Judgment we will be happy we tried our best to do these things, insha’Allah.

One hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said:

Reviling a Muslim is disobedience, to fight him is infidelity.

We are all human.  But we are Muslim humans.  The difference between the disbelievers and us is that we submit our wills to Allah.  Bickering and the like should be avoided to the best of our abilities.  It may not always be the first wife who instigates problems, though.  Sometimes it might be the second.  One hadith says:

When two men revile one another, what the say is laid to the charge of the one who began it, so long as the one who is wronged does not go over the score. (Muslim)

Allah says in the Quran, retaliate equally, but forgiveness is better.  Retaliation for wrongdoing is allowed in Islam so long as we don’t go beyond the original harm done to us.  However, being able to forgive is best of all and Allah knows best.

The prophet (saw) used to say according to a hadith:

Oh Allah I seek refuge in You from objectionable character, deeds, passions and disease. (Tirmidhi)

Some sisters feel less of a good Muslim because they see other co-wives who seem to get along together better than they.  But perceptions can sometimes be deceiving.  There have been times when people have complimented me on how well my husband’s second wife and I got along. They were unaware of the difficulties we experienced in privacy. You may sincerely be doing the best you can. That’s all a person can do.  May Allah help us all to please Him more.  I personally do believe that the perception of the two sisters getting along can possibly be a good sign.  It might be an indication that the wife is trying her utmost to please Allah, and in spite of her struggles with her lower desires, she is still able to strive in Allah’s path and function in an Islamic manner.  Any sister who can interact amicably with the second wife, be it in public or private, should look at it as a blessing from her Lord.

Because of the resentment the first wife may have towards the second for marrying her husband, she might sometimes seek out reasons to argue with the second wife.   Much of this may be subconscious.  But a large amount may be quite conscious.  Restraint and patience is necessary in dealing with these feelings, because once you get started down this road, the situation can escalate to become unIslamic.  And once you do one thing inappropriate, it becomes easier to do others. Seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan, make dua for Allah to help you to control yourself and have patience.

Because of the highly delicate situation between the first and second wives, the manner of solving problems may have to take on unusual approaches.  Some wives don’t have a compatible relationship where they are able to solve problems among themselves.  Any opportunity to problem resolution is bound to end up in harsh words.  Resolutions through husbands or a third party may be best for these wives.  For instance, if the first wife has a problem with the way the other sister treats the first wife’s children, rather than confront the other sister she can inform her husband of the problem and ask him to solve it.

Also, it might be a wise idea to disallow calls to one another’s home.  Phone calls are often made in feigned need but are really expressions of resentment and are intended to make trouble.  Many times calls are made to anger the other parties or to interrupt activities or the serenity of the other household.  A third party that can honestly be trusted could be used as an intercessor that can convey from one household to another of any serious emergencies.  Most issues I have found can really wait.  For instance if the stove or refrigerator stops working at night, the problem could be discussed with the husband the following day when he comes to your home or goes to work. Now that cell phones are in vogue, they can be used to help in these types of situations.  The husband can turn his phone mode to “message only” when he’s at either home and check it for messages.

Of course wives may use their husbands to get back at one another, too.  They may “tell” on the other wife to get on the better side of the husband.  There certainly are no clear-cut answers as to how to resolve problems among co-wives.  One can only fear Allah and act to the best of one’s abilities.  If all of this sounds a bit childish and immature then be advised–Polygamy is a situation that can bring out feelings and behaviors in a first wife that she never thought she had.  Jealousy, anger, pain and hurt are emotions that block reason, promote insecurity, and open the door to Shaitan.  This is all part of the trial of polygamy.  The Prophet’s (saw) wives experienced jealousy between themselves.  There’s even a hadith where Ali, The Prophet’s son-in-law was contemplating marriage to Abu Jahl’s daughter while he was still married to Fatimah, The Prophet’s (saw) daughter.  The Prophet said that Fatimah and Abu Jahl’s daughter could not be married to Ali at the same time.  He stated that what hurts Fatimah hurts him and he didn’t want her trialed in her religion. (Bukhari.)  I was informed that the scholars differ as to the understanding of this hadith but that one of the understandings was that The Prophet  (saw) did not want Fatimah to be trialed in her religion with jealousy from polygamy.

The issue of jealousy is an interesting one to address because the husband plays such a crucial part in this area.  A wife cannot really force her husband to be fair.  And most women are uncomfortable with complaining to an elder relative or leader of the community to get their rights, although if the situation is serious enough, that may be her only recourse.  The areas where a wife can become jealous are innumerable.  They can range from the amount of extra time—even minutes—that the husband spends with the other wife to gifts, groceries, or type of home and furnishings.  Even his demeanor with the other wife can become a source of jealousy. The list can go on and on.

Jealousies over what Allah may have bestowed upon one and not on the other come in to play as well.  A hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said look at the one below you not above you so that you will be thankful for Allah’s favors on you.  Certainly there may be some characteristics that the other wife may have that the first wife will desire to have.  If you contemplate the issue, however, there are sure to be things that you have that the other lacks.  Physical appearance is just one focus of mutual jealousies, but think about other assets Allah may have blessed you with.  Temperament, cooking abilities, crafts, mental talents, education, child rearing and many other skills and qualities are areas you may be more blessed in than the other sister.  In the end, though, the most important quality to be thankful for is your level of faith, which manifests itself through your deeds.

To the best of your ability try not to be suspicious.  There is a hadith where The Prophet (saw) said avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the most lying form of talk (Bukhari, Muslim).  It is best to take the best conjecture and assume there is a reasonable excuse for your husband’s behavior.  Questioning your husband may be the inevitable recourse to allay your concerns and fears of unfairness.  Tactfulness and proper timing are highly suggested.  Most husbands, I would imagine truly fear Allah and don’t want any problems between their wives.  For these reasons most husbands try to be fair.  There may be times when he falls short of his duty.  The wife can handle this in a number of ways.  She may choose to discuss her observations with her husband, or she may decide to overlook it with the hope of receiving Allah’s reward.  The severity of the circumstances may dictate a sister’s actions.  I will say that sometimes if problems are left unsettled and not discussed, they can build to a crescendo to where the sister may be inclined to express herself in an inappropriate manner.

The two sisters themselves should certainly avoid doing things that would arouse jealousy in the other.  The temptation to retaliate is quite strong.  And after all, there are enough naturally occurring problems in polygamy, creating them is a waste of energy and blessings.

Jealousy, anger, anguish and pain are all feelings that a first wife in polygamy is likely to feel.  Whenever you feel these uncomfortable emotions remember, your sins are being forgiven, insha’Allah.  Allah tests those he loves in this life so that they will have paradise in the hereafter.

You may find that your relationship with your co-wife may have ups and downs as with many other personal relationships.  For months you may manage to get along well, other times you may not be on the best of terms.  All of this is part of the trial of polygamy.

Personally I have come to the conclusion that it is best for me to be on “salaams” terms and that is it.  I have no other interaction with the sister beyond that.  I have found that it closes the door to any opportunity where I might say what I should not say or do what I should not do.

When trying to deal with and interact with the other wife it may help to try to see the person as a whole with weaknesses, pain, vulnerabilities, having a mother and father and the like.  Too often first wives focus on only one aspect of the second wife. They see them only as the woman who married their husband.  I personally have a problem in this area.

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