Coping with a Co-Wife

these are models...just an image i felt could depict the topic 🙂

There is a hadith that says that The Prophet (saw) said:

No man loves another for Allah’s sake without his Lord who is Great and Glorious honoring him (Ahmed)

And

The action dearest to Allah Most High is love for Allah’s sake and hatred for Allah’s sake.

It is natural for a first wife to have uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings towards her husband’s second wife. Likewise the most obvious focus of a first wife’s anger is towards the second wife. The first wife should try her utmost to control these feelings whenever they come.  She should attempt to treat the second wife as any other sister, with kindness.  Allah the Almighty knows how difficult these simple acts can be.  However, when we think about the hadith that says that one of the categories of people that will be under Allah’s shade on the Day of Judgement is the one who loves someone only for the sake of Allah, we have a great incentive to struggle our hardest in this effort.  On a day when some people will be sweating up to their necks, we might be in the pleasure of our Lord’s shade.

The above-mentioned hadith are so important to remember.  Our sole reason for being here is to please Allah.  All of our words and bodily actions should be for Allah.  We say this several times a day during tashahood. We should try to disregard our emotional feelings and force ourselves to act according to the way that Allah would want us to.   This includes treating those we many have problems with in the best way in spite of our disagreements.  We should swallow hard and push ourselves to give all of our brothers and sisters their rights.

Giving salaams when we would rather not, smiling when we prefer to scowl, are all ways of showing love for someone only for the pleasure of Allah.  These situations put us in a position where we know in our heart that our actions are solely to please our Lord.  We are truly doing it only for Allah.

Of course none of us is perfect.  Sometimes we fall short of what Allah might demand of us.  When this happens we should follow up our bad deeds with good deeds.  If we utter something we should not say or do something we should not do, it would be good to send over a gift or some food. On the authority of Muaadh bin Jabal The Prophet said:

“Fear Allah wherever you are, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed—and it will wipe it out.  And behave well towards people.”

Make dua for the sister.  When this is done, the angels make the same dua’ for us. We should attempt to increase our good deeds in general. We can write letters or notes asking for forgiveness for transgressions we may have done that were wrong.  We never know when Allah may take us back to Him. On the Day of Judgment we will be happy we tried our best to do these things, insha’Allah.

One hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said:

Reviling a Muslim is disobedience, to fight him is infidelity.

We are all human.  But we are Muslim humans.  The difference between the disbelievers and us is that we submit our wills to Allah.  Bickering and the like should be avoided to the best of our abilities.  It may not always be the first wife who instigates problems, though.  Sometimes it might be the second.  One hadith says:

When two men revile one another, what the say is laid to the charge of the one who began it, so long as the one who is wronged does not go over the score. (Muslim)

Allah says in the Quran, retaliate equally, but forgiveness is better.  Retaliation for wrongdoing is allowed in Islam so long as we don’t go beyond the original harm done to us.  However, being able to forgive is best of all and Allah knows best.

The prophet (saw) used to say according to a hadith:

Oh Allah I seek refuge in You from objectionable character, deeds, passions and disease. (Tirmidhi)

Some sisters feel less of a good Muslim because they see other co-wives who seem to get along together better than they.  But perceptions can sometimes be deceiving.  There have been times when people have complimented me on how well my husband’s second wife and I got along. They were unaware of the difficulties we experienced in privacy. You may sincerely be doing the best you can. That’s all a person can do.  May Allah help us all to please Him more.  I personally do believe that the perception of the two sisters getting along can possibly be a good sign.  It might be an indication that the wife is trying her utmost to please Allah, and in spite of her struggles with her lower desires, she is still able to strive in Allah’s path and function in an Islamic manner.  Any sister who can interact amicably with the second wife, be it in public or private, should look at it as a blessing from her Lord.

Because of the resentment the first wife may have towards the second for marrying her husband, she might sometimes seek out reasons to argue with the second wife.   Much of this may be subconscious.  But a large amount may be quite conscious.  Restraint and patience is necessary in dealing with these feelings, because once you get started down this road, the situation can escalate to become unIslamic.  And once you do one thing inappropriate, it becomes easier to do others. Seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan, make dua for Allah to help you to control yourself and have patience.

Because of the highly delicate situation between the first and second wives, the manner of solving problems may have to take on unusual approaches.  Some wives don’t have a compatible relationship where they are able to solve problems among themselves.  Any opportunity to problem resolution is bound to end up in harsh words.  Resolutions through husbands or a third party may be best for these wives.  For instance, if the first wife has a problem with the way the other sister treats the first wife’s children, rather than confront the other sister she can inform her husband of the problem and ask him to solve it.

Also, it might be a wise idea to disallow calls to one another’s home.  Phone calls are often made in feigned need but are really expressions of resentment and are intended to make trouble.  Many times calls are made to anger the other parties or to interrupt activities or the serenity of the other household.  A third party that can honestly be trusted could be used as an intercessor that can convey from one household to another of any serious emergencies.  Most issues I have found can really wait.  For instance if the stove or refrigerator stops working at night, the problem could be discussed with the husband the following day when he comes to your home or goes to work. Now that cell phones are in vogue, they can be used to help in these types of situations.  The husband can turn his phone mode to “message only” when he’s at either home and check it for messages.

Of course wives may use their husbands to get back at one another, too.  They may “tell” on the other wife to get on the better side of the husband.  There certainly are no clear-cut answers as to how to resolve problems among co-wives.  One can only fear Allah and act to the best of one’s abilities.  If all of this sounds a bit childish and immature then be advised–Polygamy is a situation that can bring out feelings and behaviors in a first wife that she never thought she had.  Jealousy, anger, pain and hurt are emotions that block reason, promote insecurity, and open the door to Shaitan.  This is all part of the trial of polygamy.  The Prophet’s (saw) wives experienced jealousy between themselves.  There’s even a hadith where Ali, The Prophet’s son-in-law was contemplating marriage to Abu Jahl’s daughter while he was still married to Fatimah, The Prophet’s (saw) daughter.  The Prophet said that Fatimah and Abu Jahl’s daughter could not be married to Ali at the same time.  He stated that what hurts Fatimah hurts him and he didn’t want her trialed in her religion. (Bukhari.)  I was informed that the scholars differ as to the understanding of this hadith but that one of the understandings was that The Prophet  (saw) did not want Fatimah to be trialed in her religion with jealousy from polygamy.

The issue of jealousy is an interesting one to address because the husband plays such a crucial part in this area.  A wife cannot really force her husband to be fair.  And most women are uncomfortable with complaining to an elder relative or leader of the community to get their rights, although if the situation is serious enough, that may be her only recourse.  The areas where a wife can become jealous are innumerable.  They can range from the amount of extra time—even minutes—that the husband spends with the other wife to gifts, groceries, or type of home and furnishings.  Even his demeanor with the other wife can become a source of jealousy. The list can go on and on.

Jealousies over what Allah may have bestowed upon one and not on the other come in to play as well.  A hadith says that the Prophet (saw) said look at the one below you not above you so that you will be thankful for Allah’s favors on you.  Certainly there may be some characteristics that the other wife may have that the first wife will desire to have.  If you contemplate the issue, however, there are sure to be things that you have that the other lacks.  Physical appearance is just one focus of mutual jealousies, but think about other assets Allah may have blessed you with.  Temperament, cooking abilities, crafts, mental talents, education, child rearing and many other skills and qualities are areas you may be more blessed in than the other sister.  In the end, though, the most important quality to be thankful for is your level of faith, which manifests itself through your deeds.

To the best of your ability try not to be suspicious.  There is a hadith where The Prophet (saw) said avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the most lying form of talk (Bukhari, Muslim).  It is best to take the best conjecture and assume there is a reasonable excuse for your husband’s behavior.  Questioning your husband may be the inevitable recourse to allay your concerns and fears of unfairness.  Tactfulness and proper timing are highly suggested.  Most husbands, I would imagine truly fear Allah and don’t want any problems between their wives.  For these reasons most husbands try to be fair.  There may be times when he falls short of his duty.  The wife can handle this in a number of ways.  She may choose to discuss her observations with her husband, or she may decide to overlook it with the hope of receiving Allah’s reward.  The severity of the circumstances may dictate a sister’s actions.  I will say that sometimes if problems are left unsettled and not discussed, they can build to a crescendo to where the sister may be inclined to express herself in an inappropriate manner.

The two sisters themselves should certainly avoid doing things that would arouse jealousy in the other.  The temptation to retaliate is quite strong.  And after all, there are enough naturally occurring problems in polygamy, creating them is a waste of energy and blessings.

Jealousy, anger, anguish and pain are all feelings that a first wife in polygamy is likely to feel.  Whenever you feel these uncomfortable emotions remember, your sins are being forgiven, insha’Allah.  Allah tests those he loves in this life so that they will have paradise in the hereafter.

You may find that your relationship with your co-wife may have ups and downs as with many other personal relationships.  For months you may manage to get along well, other times you may not be on the best of terms.  All of this is part of the trial of polygamy.

Personally I have come to the conclusion that it is best for me to be on “salaams” terms and that is it.  I have no other interaction with the sister beyond that.  I have found that it closes the door to any opportunity where I might say what I should not say or do what I should not do.

When trying to deal with and interact with the other wife it may help to try to see the person as a whole with weaknesses, pain, vulnerabilities, having a mother and father and the like.  Too often first wives focus on only one aspect of the second wife. They see them only as the woman who married their husband.  I personally have a problem in this area.

SOURCE

“Salam” ~The Islamic Greeting and its Etiquette

Assalamu Alaylkum Wa Rahmatulah Wa Barakatuh

– how much do you know about the salam ?!

Islam has professed the use of the Islamic greeting when encountering another Muslim or leaving the company of another Muslim because it unifies the hearts and strengthens bonds between Muslims.

Imam Muslim reported that the prophet (S.A.W.) said, “I swear by the one whose hand my soul is in that you will not enter paradise until you believe. And you won’t be believed until you love one another. May I tell you something, that if you practice it you will love another, spread the (salam) Islamic greeting among you.” This makes it clear to us, that spreading salam among Muslims is the first step towards paradise. This is because spreading salam leads to increasing the love between our hearts. And the increase of love between our hearts will increase the Iman, (faith).

An authentic hadith reported by Imams At-Termithi and Ibn Majah that the prophet (S.A.W.) said: “Oh you people, spread salam among you, serve the food, behave kindly with your blood relations, and offer prayer at night when others are asleep, and you will enter paradise safely.” And Imams Bukhari and Muslim reported that a man asked the prophet (S.A.W.), “what in Islam is the best?” He (S.A.W.) answered, “To feed people and to say salam to everyone whether you know them or not.”

What is the history of the Islamic greeting, when did it start, and who was the one who chose it?

Imams Bukhari and Muslim reported that the prophet (S.A.W.) said, “When Allah created Adam he told him to go and say Assalamu Alikum to a group of Angels and listen to their reply. It is your greeting and the greeting of your descendants. Adam went and said: Assalamu Alikum they said Assalamu Alikum Wa Rahmatulah.”

The complete form for the Islamic greeting is Assalamu Alilkum Wa Rahmatulah Wa Barakatuh meaning peace, mercy, and blessings be upon from Allah (S.W.T.). This is because Imams Abu-Dawood and At-Termithi reported in a good hadith that a man came to the prophet (S.A.W.) and said, “Assalamu Alikum.” The prophet responded and the man sat down. The prophet said, “Ten rewards.” Another man came and said, “Assalamu Alikum Wa Rahmatullh.” The prophet responded and the man sat down. The prophet said, “twenty rewards.”

Then another man came and said: Assalamu Alakum Wa Rahmatulah Wa Barakatuh. The prophet responded and the man sat down. The prophet said, “thirty rewards.”

The Scholars have agreed that starting with salam is highly recommended. And responding is obligatory because Allah (S.W.T.) said in surat An-Nesa’, (verse 86), what can be translated as, “When a courteous greeting is offered to you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or at least of equal courtesy.”

It is enough for one to say the Islamic greeting to a group and it is enough for one of the group to return it. This is the meaning of the two ahadith that were reported by Imams Abu Dawood and Malik.
From the Etiquette of Salam:

1. The one who comes greets the Muslims that are present.
2. The one who is riding greets the one who is walking.
3. The one who is walking greets the one who is sitting.
4. The smaller group greets the bigger group.
5. The young greet the elder.

Imams Bukhari and Muslim reported that the prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) said, “A rider should greet a pedestrian, a pedestrian should greet one who is sitting, and a small party should greet a large party, a younger should greet an elder one.”

Salams are recommended when leaving as well as when you meet. Imams Abu-Dawoud, and At-Tirmith reported in a good hadith that the prophet Muhammed (S.A.W.) said, “When one of you joins a gathering he should greet those present; and when he leave them he should greet them because the first salutation is not better than the last one.”

What does Islam say about saying salams to the people of the book?

The majority of scholars reported that starting with Assalamu Alikum is not permitted. They refer to the hadith of the prophet that was reported by Imam Muslim in which the prophet (S.A.W.) said, “Don’t start with the (salam) Islamic greeting when encountering Jews or Christians.”

Some scholars see no problem in starting with the Islamic greeting. Some of the Shafies agree with this. This is the opinion of Ibn-Abbas one of the companions of the prophet. He said that this hadith was special for the Jewish of Quraizah, not for all of the people of the book.

What if the people of the book start with the salams with the Muslims. Some of the scholars, like Ahnaf say that it is allowed to return salam and others say it’s obligatory.

Ibn Abbass said, “Whoever says Assalamu Alakum to you, you have to return his greeting even if he was a Majos (fire-worshipper). He was referring to a verse from surat An-Nesa’ (verse 86), what can be translated as, “When a courteous greeting is offered to you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or at least of equal courtesy.”

The scholar had agreed upon starting the greeting with the non-Muslims is allowed with any word but Assalamu Alikum, like good morning, how are you? etc..

When meeting another Muslim shaking hands is highly recommended, along with a great smile, because it increases the love and respect among Muslims.

It was reported by Imam Bukhari that Qatadah asked Anass (R.A.) if shaking hands was practiced by the companion at the time of the prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.). He said, “Yes.”

Shaking hands with another Muslim will result in forgiveness from Allah (S.W.T.).Imams Abu Dawood and At-Termithi reported that the prophet (S.A.W.) said, “If Muslims meet and shake hands with each other, they will be forgiven before they leave.”

Imam At-Termithi reported a good hadith that a man said: “O messenger of Allah if one of us meets his brother or friend, should he bend down to him? The prophet said, “ No.” He asked should he hug him and kiss him? The prophet answered, “No.” He asked should he take his hand and shake it. The prophet answered, “Yes.”

Imam At-Termithi reported that Anass (R.A.) said, “When the prophet use to meet a man, he shook hands with him and the prophet (S.A.W.) would not pull away his hand until the man would pull his hand away first.”

**(Friday speech delivered by Imam Mohamed Baianonie at the Islamic Center of Raleigh, NC on February 22, 1988.)

SOURCE: ” IAR” via islamic1.org